Hank and Hal Steinbrenner
General George M. Steinbrenner III Memorial Field
Tampa, FL 33614
Dear Sirs,
After watching the past couple of games against Anaheim, Boston, and Tampa, teams that we will have to beat if we want to even make the World Series, everybody can see clearly that our team is in the crapper. Becoming a Yankees fan used to mean you are the ultimate winner-picker; unless you lived in an hour and a half radius of the Bronx, your other favorite teams were probably the Lakers, Canadiens, and our partners-in-crime, er, concessions the Dallas Cowboys. Now, it's like putting your life savings into the Dow Jones. You’re just asking for trouble. Our bandwagon is falling apart faster than IKEA furniture. And the question us diehards are left to deal with is “What the hell is happening?”
Is it the players? Tex’s batting average hovering around the Mendoza line? CC pitching like Sir Sidney? Our bullpen that makes even Mets fans cringe? Girardi and Cashman’s mistakes? A-Rod for just being A-Rod?
But as the old Italian proverb goes: the fish smells from the head down. Think about that for a little while…now think about the Yankees. Boy, do they really smells right now. 
First off, the team sucks; there’s no better explanation of this. We are grossly inferior to the Red Sox, and if we were on their level, we wouldn’t have lost 5 in a row to them. Our team has sucked for the past few years because we always have a glaring weakness despite our massive spending. We spent a shitload of money on Johnson, Brown, Igawa, among others, and every postseason from '04 on, our rotation were a question mark. Ditto with Farnsworth, Gordon, and Quantrill in the pen. Last year, it was A-Rod, Abreu, and Giambi, all making over $15 million whose woes at the plate with runners in scoring position cost us a playoff spot.
Sure blame Girardi for just not being ready to manage the Yankees. He’ll be a fine manager in a few years when he has some more experience. Heck, it took Joe Torre three horrendous stints until he found how to effectively manage a team. But now, he's not the manager we thought he would be. And Cashman must go. He’s made far too many personnel mistakes over 8 (and there's a good chance it's soon to be 9) really long years without a ring. He must pay with these mistakes with his job.
But the team on the field isn’t the only thing that stinks. Our new crib (to be known from here on out as “Gitmo North” because of the torture Yankee fans go through when they watch this team) is much like our team: overpriced, overdone, and when push comes to shove, it just doesn’t feel like home. It's a lot like how the ’01-09 Yankees aren’t the ’96-’00 Yankees. Same unis, no mystique, no aura, no soul, no heart. Gitmo North is about as nice as A-Rod’s 2 MVPs in Pinstripes. Sure, those seats behind home plate are probably worth $2,600 with all the amenities that come with it; but common-sense supply and demand logic should tell you that if nobody has $2,600 to spend to go to a baseball game in this economy. Especially when it means alienating a lot of your diehard fans because they now can't afford seats. The first thing Terry Francona noticed when he walked out of the dugout of Gitmo North was the how he didn’t feel how the seats were on top of him and his team anymore. Cause Heaven forbid a little home-field advantage from rowdy fans other than the fortunate few who kept their money away from Bernie Madoff sitting those $2,600 seats.
But the Yankees don’t care about that. They’re too busy faking out those loyal fans when it comes to rain delays or the $9 12-ounce beers at Gitmo North. Randy Levine did a terrific job with city and state government to get the stadium built, and it even included a detour to Mark McGwire’s old friends in Congress. But everybody could see just how conniving, scheming, slimy, and shallow Levine’s true character is after watching his performances. There’s no way that a front office headed by him is going to keep inviting fans back to Gitmo North. When your face of the franchise is Randy Levine, you just look bad. And a bad image like the one Randy Levine is giving the Yankees is gonna hurt the Yankees in the long run, especially when they can’t sell the millionaires on their $2600 seats.
Now that we’ve established that the business side of the Yankees sucks, as well as the actual product on the field, we come back to our original question: “What the hell is happening.” And our answer lies in that old Italian proverb I told you to ponder. This debacle is not just Cashman’s fault, or Girardi’s fault, or Randy Levine’s fault, or A-Rod’s fault (even though nothing that has happened to us yet is A-Rod’s fault). The fault lies with the heads of the franchise: Hank and Hal. Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb. 
It’s Hank’s chirping on a yacht in the Gulf of Mexico, 20 miles off the coast. It’s Hal’s inability to be like his old man and be an effective leader. It’s Hank making an ass out of himself and the franchise he now represents by saying how Red Sox Nation is b*llshit (even though after five games against them, they’re anything but). It’s Hal saying, “Well, Brian’s done a decent job, we’ll give him a few extra years to see if his luck changes…” when his old man would have had Cashman unemployed faster than you can say Pavano.
The brother’s inability to lead will be the downfall of this franchise. Mark my words, in 5 years, we’ll be looking at the Steinbrenner brothers like Knicks and Rangers fans look at the Dolans, boo the very mention of them like Blackhawk fans when they hear the name Dollar Bill Wirtz, and shake our heads in disgust every time one of them opens their mouth like Oakland Raider fans when Al Davis holds a press conference. So my plea to you brothers is this: sell the team. SELL NOW!!!!!!!! Before you completely destroy the great American professional sports tradition that is New York Yankees Baseball. Please, think of the soon to be 9 year old children walking around Manhattan who haven't seen a Yankees World Championship. Think of the children...
Yours Truly,
The Ghost of Championship Teams Past
Traitor Tracker: .261
Last year, this date: .291
Friday, May 8, 2009
An Open Letter to our Owners
The critics are raving about this Yankee team!
New York Times: "... another low..."
Sliding Home: "... excrutiating..."
Caldera: "... what else could go wrong?"
Newsday: "... a scary sight..."
River Ave: "... It’s tough to look forward to tomorrow..."
Montalban: "... KIIIIIIIIIIRK!"
Stallone: "... CUT ME, MICKEY!"
IT IS HIGH: "... They must be destroyed..."
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Yankee Former Farm Report: Justin Christian, Wily Mo Pena, et al.
Justin Christian, 29, the pinch runner who got picked off in that horrible moment late last season when we were still almost in the race, is hot. He's gotten hits in eight of nine games for Norfolk in the International League. He's hitting .272.
Andy Phillips, 32, our former firstbaseman, has 4 home runs for Charlotte. He's batting .357.
Wily Mo Pena, 27, the man we traded for Drew Henson, is hitting .227 for Buffalo.
Andy Cannizaro, 30, the former future Clay Bellinger, is batting .182 for Columbus.
Shelley Duncan, 29, the former Shelley Duncan, is hitting .333 with 10 home runs for Scranton. Not that we would care.
Tonight's game
If you're in Florida, it's supposed to be televised on the Devil Rays cable channel, so there's a 50-50 chance that it will!
It's another great chance to sample the vocal stylings of their "unique" broadcast team (pictured above).
That DeWayne Staats is a real (puke) trip, isn't he?
Keep it Going: More Positive Thoughts about This Ballclub
107. Damaso Marte back in June!
108. Yanks resigned Humberto Sanchez to minor league contract: Cashman's Sheffield deal still in play!
109. All this rain, good for the crops!
110. If Taliban gets a nuke, joke's on Boston, because no World Series anyway!
111. Another missed playoff means more signings next winter!
Today In Erectile Dysfunction
Corroborated here
UPDATE! I was wrong. Manny wasn't taking boner pills. Manny was taking Octomom juice.
Yes, even MORE Positive Thoughts about this Yankee Club
83. Joe Girardi getting good material for future book!
84. Nobody dead yet from eating at Yankee Steak House!
85. The fans now realize they can't return after leaving the game!
86. With Angel Berroa and Johnny Damon, Yanks providing free pub for next Dan Brown/Ron Howard movie!
87. She-Fan saved money by not advertising on current losing streak!
The Greatest Quote Ever
From this must-read 1973 SI article:
"I made a list of men I thought a New York franchise needed -- top-class fellows. I started calling. I didn't get one refusal. Not one. Getting the money wasn't the problem -- I knew I could do that. What I wanted was guys who had something more than money -- ideas and enthusiasm."
Even More Positive Thoughts about This Yankee Club
16. Scranton winning... even without Ian Kennedy!
17. Kei Igawa trading chip heating up!
18. We've won 13 times even without Mark Teixeira hitting!
19. Less than 10 behind in the loss column!
20. We're not paying Pavano one red cent!
21. When Jose Veras is on, he's unhittable!
22. Brett Gardner = killer threat to bunt!
23. Nady back after the all-star break!
What Manny Ramirez's Positive Test and 50-Game Suspension Means
If you scanned the Web right now (11:48 am) through Google, the only two places reporting this are that rag, the L.A. Times and us.
It Is High, It Is Far, It Is... caught. Breaking News, baby. Always be closing!
This changes the entire 'roidscape. For the last few months, Alex Rodriguez has been the media target, the paparazzi pinata. But now, another star takes the spotlight.
All those idiots in Redneck Nation can breath deep, and claim he never did it while he wore the silly hanging socks.
But, now is the chance. Now is when the other 103 players on that list need to be outted, even if Yankees are on there, we need that list. This makes the playing field a little more even. Think Manny is on that list, right next to Big Popout David Ortiz?
Can Manny expect to find that guinea pig Selena Roberts rooting around in his garbage cans behind his six-car garage when he gets home today?
Rejoice, Yankee fans. Rejoice and party like its 1999!
A-Rod to Manny: THANK YOU XXX OOOO
Mike Lupica Quote o' the Day
"Another bad loss to the Red Sox, who own [The Yankees] right now the way Obama owns Detroit."
The State of the Yankees Blowpen
Apparently, the debate has ended. The age old argument about Joba Chamberlain and what to do with his power arm was solved yesterday by two icons of sports journalism.
And, I have to say I feel uneasy about it. Two men who have made a living off unequivocally beating this young gentleman with their quills and ink, have both come to an agreement.
Both Mike Lupica and Joel Sherman think Chamberlain should start. Ol' Joel thinks Joba can be an anchor in the rotation for years to come, based on his brilliance from the other night against the New England Chowdah Heads.
I sit here and think as to why they lost that game against the Socks the other night. Sure, the starting pitcher kept them in the game, after a horrid first inning, but it was the lack of a decent bullpen that forbade the Yankees from victory the other night. The New York Yankees don't have a bullpen right now. They have a blowpen...
I think the world of Mark Melancon, Jose Veras, Jon Albawhateverthefack, Phil Coke, Damaso Marte, Edwar Ramirez and David Robertson. But they all suck. Especially ... Well, all of them. They all especially suck right now. Are we really holding our breath, waiting for Brian Bruney to come back and right the ship? Bruney is the answer?
Sure, I hope Melancon turns out to be a solid bullpen guy for the Yankees for years to come. He is another one of these 'top prospects' from a farm system that produced The Great Drew Henson, Eric Duncan and 'Ass Face' Ian Kennedy. That, and I have a bunch of his rookie cards (Bowman Chrome, if anyone wants to trade me any Kei Igawa rookie cards) I invested some money in hoping he would become the next Mariano Rivera.
But now, I wonder if we already have found our next Mariano Rivera. Could Joba Chamberlain be the heir to The Sandman's throne? We know how he performed as a 7th and 8th inning guy, and he has notched a save or two in his career. But can he withstand a full, 200+ inning season on his strapping, Midwestern-tough, farm-built body? He already has a small injury history, doesn't he?
I vote he goes to the bullpen. We need a lock down pitcher for the late innings, a bridge to Rivera.
And soon enough, a replacement for Rivera.
Starters we can find, hell the last few years it's been a revolving door of Shawn Chacons, Aaron Smalls, Carl Pavanos, Darrell Rasners, etc etc etc. With CC Sabathia, AJ Burnett, Andy Pettitte, Phil Hughes, possibly the Wanger, and a slew of farm kids (think Al Aceves) and cast-off signings (sign Pedro already, what the hell is $5mil to you guys!?!?!), the rotation should be fine when the offense comes around.
But if I have to watch one more lead get blown, or a 4-3 game turn into 7-3 because of a shitty blowpen, I'm going to scream.
Do you sit there and think Rivera will keep doing what he's doing for another two, three years?
More Positive Thoughts About this Yankee Club
11. Good to see Nick Swisher finally showing some emotion!
12. No more worries about whether Mussina is too old!
13. Francisco Cervelli in pinstripes!
14. Fans having chance to spread out in seats of new stadium!
15. (Submitted by YES announcers) Mike Lowell's hitting bodes well for ARod's hip surgery!
Things could be worse!
Scott Proctor to get Tommy John surgery?
Probably.
10 Positive Thoughts About This Yankee Team
From now on here at IT IS HIGH, no negativity about the Yankees.
It's too draining. It's too painful. It's too agonizing.
Of course, it's true.
But you don't need it, I don't need it, and certainly Joe doesn't. Therefore...
10 Positive Thoughts about This Yankee Club
1. Scranton... tops in the International League!
2. How 'bout Ramiro Pena getting a hit to spark the comeback!
3. Looked like the Mariano of old in the 9th!
4. Nobody hurt last night!
5. We don't have to fear that Arod will disrupt the fragile chemistry of our clubhouse!
6. Grounds crew really can handle that tarp!
7. Brett Tomko signing looking better and better!
8. Who wanted to learn how to spell Albajbalalddo!
9. With 4 weeks off, Jorge fresher in September!
10. Lower we finish, higher next year's draft pick!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Clear Channel Policy for Broadcasts of Yankee Games in Syracuse Made Simple
I don't know why some people have trouble with this. It's quite plain.
Games air on Clear Channel's all-sports station, WHEN, unless the Syracuse Chiefs are playing, in which case WHEN broadcasts the Chiefs game.
In those situations, Clear Channel airs the Yankees on 570 WSYR, but not the pre-game show.
If the Yankees play a day game at the same time as the Syracuse Chiefs, the Yankees will be heard on Power 106.9, so WSYR can give provide listeners their Rush Limbaugh show.
Sadly, due to the Yankees playing in the evening, WSYR must pre-empt the shows of Sean Hannity and Michael Savage.
Yankee Employee of the Month Ejected from Game
Arod, Emulating Yankees, Slides
''The slide was good. No problems."
Unlike the Yankees' slide, we didn't get to watch Arod's.
Why were those games played?
Somebody's gotta ask.
Why did the umps play two games in May through nonstop pouring rain?
In May.
And then call every borderline pitch in Boston's favor?
OK, you don't have to ask the second part. (Only a supreme Truth Teller has the courage to grapple with The Man and survive.)
Accepted: The best team won.
Stick with one central question:
Why did they play those games?
We lost Posada. They might have lost Youk and Ellsbury. It was ridiculous. WHY?
Abe, Tyler, Joel, River Ave, Was Watching, Gangster, Voice, Sliding, Nomas, Bronx, She-Fan, NSI... Yankisphere...!
Somebody. Gotta. Ask.
OK, Somebody's Gotta Say It: The umps screwed us
Yeah, I know how lame this looks... but dammit, it's gotta get said.
This Boston series produced the most one-sided umpiring we've seen in years.
It's one thing to squeeze home plate for both teams. That's not what happened.
Were the umps pissed about playing in the rain?
Supposedly, they make the call to postpone a game. I can't understand why they didn't call both games. Conditions were horrible. It's early May. It never stopped raining. Yet they didn't make the call.
Did Yankee management push them?
And did they decide to send us a message?
That was not the same home plate. The YES barkers said nothing. Because they are so linked to the team, they knew how bad it would look to complain. They also knew the umps will take it out on the team later.
When Pena struck out with men on base, he took a called strike two that was crazy. Melancon walked in a run on a pitch that creased the plate. For all his strikeouts, Joba probably threw 10 more pitches than necessary.
Sorry, folks, somewhere... it's gotta get said.
In both games, the umps were against us.
What went on between the Yanks and the umps in deciding to play those games?
The Glass House that Arod Built
"Later I found out the pill was called ritalin..."
A Yankee fan deals with the reality of Arod.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Johnny Damon Pimp Slaps Socks' Front Office
Yanks Honor Dom Deluise with Medley of His Great Slapstick Routines
Derek Jeter stretched out Jose Molina's hammies.
Soon, "bearded" manager Joe Girardi appeared
to say to his troops, "Smile!"
And Joba Chamberlain got into the act
by recreating an old Dom skit about Oz.
Coming to a Learning Annex Near You...
Yankee Management 101: How to alienate your loyal customer base in a troubled economy.
Course Facilitator: Professor Jason Zillo
When: 2009 Summer Semester
Cost: Thousands "non refundable"
Riddle me this...
2nd and 3rd, 1 out. They represent the tying and go-ahead run respectively. Ramiro Pena and Jose Molina coming to the plate against Josh Beckett. Remember those names...Ramiro Pena. Jose Molina. Josh Beckett.
Now can somebody tell me why doesn't Girardi try to bunt the run in from third? Why is Ramiro Pena, the minor league infielder who just lucked into a roster spot with A-Rod's injury, of all people swinging at a 2-0 pitch from a Cy Young runner-up and World Series MVP? Can somebody answer me that?
And while you ponder those thoughts, think of the immortal words of Herm Edwards..."You play to win the game."
Let it rain
Last night, we lost
1. Our fourth game to the Redsocks.
2. Jorge Posada to a hammy
3. Jesus Montero to some injury in Tampa.
4. The delusion that Phil Hughes will be an ace this year.
5. Any illusion that Jose Molina can handle daily catching chores.
6. Joba Chamberlain’s mom , to the justice system
7. A boatload of fans, who paid scads of money to be left on the street, unable to get back into the stadium.
The National Day of Arod Hate is Friday.
Let it rain.
Pie Chart of Yankee Victories Against Boston This Year
Latin American Stinkheap Just Grows Taller
Hey, Selena Roberts, wanna write a real book?
Go to Latin America, hike into the jungle, and pick up a rock. You'll find MLB scouts under it. You'll recognize them by the shiny scales. They'll scurry off in every direction. Don't worry. They're not interested in you. They're just searching for hot 16-year-old boys.
You see, MLB signs male pre-teens, often after they've been managed (owned) since puberty by the local pimp. Bud Selig will tell you that's just the local culture. Boys will be boys. Nothing to sweat... except for when some yahoo goes and sues.
Oops. Somebody sued. The former Yankee Dominican scout, who got bounced for allegedly skimming player bonuses, is suing us for wrongful termination. It's complicated. I won't bore you with details, but check out this line buried in the story:
"Soon after he was fired in August, (the fired scout, Ramon) Valdivia said an MLB arbiter ruled that he had to pay the Yankees back $24,000, his salary for 2008."
That's right. We paid the guy a whopping $24,000 a year.
Here, we have him doling a $1.1 million bonus to a 16-year-old... and he bankrolls a hefty $24,000.
Recipe for corruption? Does that sound a bit shady?Anybody smell anything here? Bud? Selena? Class? Blogosphere?
Anybody?
We helped write the book, so help buy it!
By Mark Reiter and Richard Sandomir
(No, that's not us.)
Brackets on pop culture, history, celebrities, etc.,
compiled by the most renowned authorities in each field.
(That's us.)
Example:
Including a bracket by IT IS HIGH...
Yes, we compare:
Sexually Inadequate Sports Nicknames.
The Rash v. The Worm.
Knobby v. Stump.
Wee Willie v. Minnie.
Yeah, the economy stinks. Yeah, you're out of work. Well, tough titty said the kitty with the milk so dry. You came to this site. You've read this far. You've drank the Kool-Aid. Now it's time to stare directly into the sun and dig for the wallet. That's right. Fork over some dough, some cabbage, some moolah, skeep, gleeba, connforbite, eega-meega -- yeah, that's right... some old-fashioned green hopzoig quarbon!
Buy it.
How to insult your fans, let us count the ways...
1. Charge $2,000 per ticket.
2. Make them wait two hours in the pouring rain.
3. Strike out a zillion times.
4. Go a month without beating your arch rival.
5. Leave the tying run on second.
6. Have the fans get home around 3 a.m.
7. Whine about the umpire.
Let's just hope our diehards in attendance ate choice cuts of angus in the Yankee Steakhouse ("the porterhouse that Ruth built") or frooged the night away in the Hard Rock Cafe.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Late game because cheapo Randy Levine wouldn't build dome
This Is What I Have Been Saying All Along
SHOCK UPDATE! Heyman also tweeted:
Is the CC with a 1-3 record also an impostor?
OH! ALSO! Because the Yankees are too cheap to buy a retractable roof, I am actually listening to a Syracuse Chiefs game. I hate this.
Joba Momma in da' Slamma
LINCOLN, Neb._ The mother of Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain was arrested on suspicion of selling meth to an undercover officer in Lincoln...
We Can Slash Ticket Prices... But We Must Hold the Line on Quality of Yankee Steakhouse Meats
We shall never shortchange the meat!
Letter to the Editor: Rebates!
May 3, 2009
Re ''Yankees Slash Prices of Some of Best Tickets,'' April 29: Perhaps the Yankees should price tickets by the outcome of the game.
What Yankee fan wants to watch a game for $1,000 if the Yankees lose? So, if the Yankees lose, you get a rebate check. All in the spirit of Yankee hypercompetitiveness.
Daniel Newsome
Elizaville, N.Y.
It's time to start taking Pat Venditte seriously
Pat Venditte, the famous switch-pitcher, is mowing them down at Charleston.
As he did last year at Staten Island.
Thus far in 2009: 9 games, 7 saves, and earned runs: 0.
Zero. Zilch. Nada. Naught. Nigh. None. Lights fucking out.
Why isn't Venditte generating heat? Because he throws from both sides.
Thus far, the Yankiverse has assumed a carnival barker approach to Venditte: He's an oddity, a freak show to marvel at, while we wait in hot anticipation for Christian Garcia to return from the DL. You won't find Venditte on people's top 10 lists, aside from Ripley's.
It's time to re-evaluate this guy.
It's time to view him for what he is: The greatest athlete we have.
Think about it. This guy can pitch pro ball left-handed and right-handed. That right there is the hallmark of an amazing athlete.
An amazingly smart athlete.
Did anybody really think he would dominate? No. They thought he'd be gone by now.
Well, it's time for the Yankees to start moving him up. He turns 24 next month. He's pitching against 20-year-olds. We need to challenge him and see what we've got. Don't take this wrong: He's not going to pitch for the Yankees this year. But at the current rate, he'll make the 25-man at age 29. Screw that.
Listen: This guy just might be the real deal. Come on, what are we waiting for? Arm trouble? There is no time to waste. The South Atlantic League can't hit this guy. Let's move him up!
It sure as hell beats sitting around, waiting for Christian Garcia to come off the DL.
Yankeetorial: GIRARDI IS RIGHT
The world wants Alex Rodriguez stoned to death in the public square.
Why not? He is one of the 104 MLB players to test positive in 2003. He's one of the 1,040 MLB players to be overpaid. He's one of the -- pick a number, any number -- to sleep around. He's a jerk.
So hang him from a tree. It's open season, courtesy of Selena Roberts' book -- a groundbreaking piece of hatchetry that for the first time subjects a mid-career pro athlete to the vetting standards of a U.S. Supreme Court nominee.
This is blunt force evil.
No baseball player in creation can withstand this kind of scrutiny.
Usually, they finish their brief careers before the dirt gushes out.
In Arod's case, there's too much money to be made in the takedown.
Everybody wants this. They're willing to pay. This is baseball's version of a fox hunt, and the hounds are howling so loudly that we'll hear nothing else for months.
All Arod... all the time. All negative. All attack. All out.
If Arod hits, he's juicing. If he slumps, it's because he's not juicing. Whatever he does, he cannot win..
Wherever he goes, cameras will follow. They'll goad him. They'll camp out. They'll get him. The video wiseass who breaks Arod -- who provokes him to lash out -- will get rich.
Like Selena Roberts will get rich.
For the record, I don't blame Selena Roberts. If she didn't write it, somebody else would have. But her "anonymous source" bullshit will soil whatever career reputation that the Duke lacrosse scandal left behind. If she wants to invoke the great "public's right to know" line, she should have picked a subject who actually affects the world -- not a baseball player.
She knows she won't get sued. Everybody does. So it's open season.
Yesterday, Joe Girarid put on a rainout theater rant against the book.
He's absolutely right.
So what do we, as Yankee fans, do? Not much. But when a Redsocks fan takes delight, offer this response:
"Hey, how is Dustin Pedroia's brother doing on his sex charges?"
Sunday, May 3, 2009
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YES Smutwatch
Over at the Steinbrenner family's raunchy internet sex site yesnetwork.com, bald Chris Shearn spent the Lord's Day high-fiving A-Rod for going to strip clubs and banging Madonna. Seriously. I'm not exaggerating. He also has this hot hate going for Selena Roberts, the kind that could just explode into lust any second.
Meanwhile, the one-track mind of Kimberly Jones celebrated the miracle that is Paul O'Neill's body:
This I already can tell you: O'Neill's waist looks fine at 32 inches...This is a kind of porn some people like, I guess. Crazy kinky world!
Letter to the Editor: House that Greed Built
FLORIDA TODAY (Brevard County, Florida)
April 28, 2009
Dear Editor,
I notice that Al Neuharth, although he is a regular FLORIDA TODAY columnist, does not include any information to contact him.
A wise choice because it leaves him without any criticism.
His April 17 column lauds New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner who saves a seat for Al in his private box. In doing so, Neuharth calls the new multibillion-dollar Yankee Stadium the "House The Boss Built."
I prefer it be "The House That Greed Built." Some infield seats go for $2,600 each. An average working individual cannot even take himself to the game, much less bring his family.
Steinbrenner has always been about the redefined golden rule. Who has the most gold, rules. And tell me why they needed a new stadium in these tough economic times. The previous Yankee stadium was one of the jewels of baseball. Again the answer is greed.
Once again, the Yankees have attempted to buy another World Series title by outbidding all other teams for the best available players. One can only hope these multimillionaire egos will get in the way and someone else will once again win it all.
Charlie Greene
Palm Bay
Another one bites the dust...
Damaso "Home Run" Marte's on the 15 day DL, and just in time to not have to face our old friend Kevin Youkilis again. This is where I officially add him to the list of Yankee pitching legends from 2001-2008 including, but not limited to: Steve Karsay, Jay Witasick, Jeff Weaver, Antoino Osuna, Juan Acevedo, Jose Contreras, Felix Heredia, Gabe White, Javy Vasquez, Kevin Brown, Paul Quantrill, Tom Gordon, Esteban Loaiza, Kyle Farnsworth, Tanyon Sturtze, Scott Proctor, Carl Pavano, Jaret Wright, Shawn Chacon, Alan Embree, Felix Rodriguez, Octavio Dotel, Randy Johnson, Mike Myers, Jeff Karstens, Sidney Ponson, Darrell Rasner, Ross Ohlendorf, Cory Lidle, TJ Beam, Sean Henn, Chase Wright, Tyler Clippard, Kei Igawa, Luis Vizcaino, Latroy Hawkins, Chris Britton, Humberto Sanchez, Ian Kennedy, Matt DeSalvo, Jose Veras, Jonathan Albaladejo, and Damaso's long lost cousin, Edwar "Grand Slam" Ramirez.
On a lighter note, thank God Damaso is hurt. At least it's some kind of excuse as to why he's sucked all season long.
Well, welcome back Anthony Claggett. Here's hoping we don't need you in this next series.
In deference to pigs, we changed name of Swine Flu? What about Lou Gehrig?
What is this... we change the name of a disease to satisfy industry? The pigs are gonna feel bad?
We didn't cut the cows a break with Mad Cow disease. We said, fuck you, cows. We don't give a shit how mad you are. You're the goddamn reason we're not having hamburgers tonight, and you're going to wear it forever.
We never changed "AIDS" for home health nurses. You think they liked hearing about the horror of aids!
What about "Lou Gehrig! Think his family likes being remembered as a disease?
Parkinson? He must be delighted.
Hodgkin? Probably doing backflips.
Tourette? Fuckitshitgoddam!
It's Swine Flu, baby. It's a barnyard out there. Deal with it.
Swine Flu: The Kei Igawa of Viruses?
At first, it looked tough. Highly touted. Highly anticipated. Nasty stuff. Dangerous.
Once around the league and... what?
Mired in Scranton?
Open Letter to Anonymous: You Rat! You Accuse Us of Undermining the Yanks, and You Were Talking to Selena
Dear Madam or Sir,
You suck.
Get it? You stink. You putrify. You swallow. You are dung, manure, spam, garbage, three-day-old refried Alpo. You are swine flu.
When I look back on the hurtful comments you have left on his blog -- you accused me of being anti-Yankee, you accused me of misspelling Jonathan Albadejejo, you accused me of being tedious (with little smart-ass lines at my expense) -- and today I read in The Times that you -- YOU! you bastard! -- were feeding information to Selena Roberts all along.
This is what it says:
Many of the assertions in the book are based on anonymous sources. Others are presented without an explanation of how the information was obtained.
Dirt whore! That's what you are! Dirt whore! You twitter around, leaving comments here, acting like you read the site, acting like you actually care... then you call Selena to spill the goods on Arod!
Did you ever think I might be interested in dirt on Arod?
Did you ever think I might want to buy a boat?
Frankly, Anonymous, this hurts. It cuts deep. You see, I thought we had a thing. I thought we knew each other. Yeah, you said crazy things. I figured it was you, being you... Anonymous. Hell, you're madcap! you're wild! you got that mystery thing going!
Now, I find you were in the sack with Selena all along. You two were probably at the keyboard, laughing at me -- not with me, at me -- and God knows what you were doing with your free hands.
You make me sick.
From now on, say what you want. But remember this:
Everybody knows who you are.
A Threatening Ode to a Certain Lugnut of our Esteemed Bullpen
How you please us,
When you tease us.
You just thrill us,
Then you kill us.
Desecrate us,
Do you hate us?
How you scare us,
Jose Veras.
First, return us,
Next day, burn us.
As teams shell us,
Folks can smell us!
When you hurt us,
You subvert us.
Best beware us,
Jose Veras.
Time to Revisit "Cashman Hears a Hughes"
In the dead of December, the town of N.Y.
He was surfing the Internet site, IT IS HIGH,
He was knee deep in twitters, way late in the night,
When Cashman the G.M. said, “Something’s not right!”
Following the New Yankee Stadium, How About More Cultural Upgrades
(Features George & Martha Stewart selections, nightly fireworks displays, wireless internet.)
(Features grave cupholders, Diamond Vision, $500,000-per-year luxury vaults.)
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Kevin Youkilis named first-ever YANKEE OPPONENT OF THE MONTH
Congratulations, Youk. We slaughtered a pig for you.
Yankee Traditions: Ruth... Mantle... Being Shutdown by a Nobody
John Sterling marveled that nobody could have predicted this.
Anybody who has watched the Yankees for the last eight years would have predicted this.
Matt Palmer.
Three hits.
Yeesh.
Comparision of Arlen Specter and Johnny Damon defections
Gammons-Prejean Exclusive Interview
PETER GAMMONS: Carrie, this weekend reports surfaced that the Miss California Pageant paid for your breast implants. What is the truth?
CARRIE PREJEAN: When I first got into pageants, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me, and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day.
Back then, it was a different culture. It was very loose. I was young. I was stupid. I was naive. And I wanted to prove to everyone that, you know, I was worth being one of the greatest contestants of all time. And I did get free breast implants. You know, for that I’m very sorry and deeply regretful.
... The culture back then, and the California pageant scene overall, was very -- I just feel that, you know, I’m just sorry. I’m sorry for that time. I’m sorry to my fans. I’m sorry for my fans in California. It wasn't until then that I ever thought about a substance of any kind, and since then, I've proved to myself and to everyone that I don’t need any of that.
PETER GAMMONS: You're saying that you went from an A-cup to a solid C?
CARRIE PREJEAN: That’s pretty accurate, yes.
PETER GAMMONS: Prior to the boob job, what kind of substances were you taking?
CARRIE PREJEAN: Peter, that’s the thing. Again, it was such a loosey-goosey era. I’m guilty for a lot of things. I’m guilty for being negligent, naive, not asking all the right questions. And to be quite honest, I don’t know exactly what substance I was guilty of using.
PETER GAMMONS: Where did you originally get the substance?
CARRIE PREJEAN: Again, at the time, you know, you have nutritionists, you have doctors, you have trainers. That’s the right question today: Where did you get it? We’re in the era of organic chicken ... Back then, it was just about what. There’s many things that you can put in your bra to make your chest look bigger. I mean, there’s chicken cutlets, tape.
I'm not sure exactly what substance I used. But whatever it is, I feel terribly about it.
Top DH Prospect Jesus Hits Another HR
Jesus of Tampa homered again last night, while playing DH.
He shows fine range at the position.
The great Yank braintrust doesn't want to tax Montero's 19-year-old legs by having him catch too often. Must be they're limiting his innings -- 90 this year, then stretch him to 130 next, and hopefully he'll become an ace and catch 200 innings a year.
This is crazy.
This is our future. He's batting .333 in a pitchers league. Keep it up, and his next stop is Tampa. Think he'll get catching time there?
Interesting philosophical change: Instead of signing DHs, we're developing them.
We signed the guy who brought Schilling to the Redsocks
Casey Fossum. He'll eat innings, one at a time, in the AAA Coal Mine.
He's the Redsock superprospect that Arizona accepted for Curt Schilling, after they demanded Alphonso Soriano and Nick Johnson -- everything but the Brooklyn Bridge -- from us.
They wanted the great Casey Fossum.
Never forget.
Never. Forget.
So now we have Fossum. He's 31. Three kids. Still can't hold runners. Doubt he still weighs 160.
He and Tomko can share a library card.
Here is the truth: If God exists, Fossum will bloom for us.
If Fossum fails, forget God. There is no God. We are mere self-delusional electrochemical impulses spawned by interactive bacteria. I don't exist. You don't exist. Casey Fossum doesn't exist.
But the Diamondbacks still have yet to hear from us.
And they will. Oh, yes, they will. Mwahhahahahaahahahahahhahaahaaha!
Needed: An instant pregnancy test for Jose Veras
Jose Veras and Edwar Ramirez are like cholesterol. There is the good. And there is the bad.
Last night, Jose's face said everything: He looked like Lucille Ball standing over a conveyor belt full of rapidly moving chocolates. Boos rained upon him. It should have been piss.
Today, he might be lights out.
How can we tell which Jose -- the Austin Powers or the Dr. Evil -- is in the bullpen?
We employ some of the planet's finest underground chemists, many on retainer to Alex Rodriguez. Some Owsley of sports must design an Instant Pitcher Pregnancy Test that will show whether Jose expects to deliver three outs... or birth another thalidomide baby of a debacle.
Maybe it requires dipping a blue stick into a pint of Jose's fresh semen, or something more radical, such as a bone marrow biopsy implanted chip. (Note: In "Rocky," Mickey made his man catch a rooster. Does the stadium have a room designed for chickens?)
We must figure out something. Now. I can't take another month of good and bad cholesterol.
Jose Veras is giving me a heart attack.
Nick Swisher Named April YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
Congratulations, Nick! Your premium parking space awaits you!
And don't you fret over the "IIH, IIF, IIc curse." It's just an old wives' tale.
Ice the elbow.
Friday, May 1, 2009
John hits 6.90 in Jorge Walkoff Win Warble
He's still pulling off at the last moment, hitching his diaphragm, failing to gasp for the extra breath. But he's getting there on guts alone. One of these days, he's going to hit 7.00.
And someday soon, he'll break 8.00.
For the Yankees. For history. For the fans.
Yanks Say YES To Smutty Pix
Big news today on the Yankees' filthy internet sex site yesnetwork.com! Studio anchor Bob Lorenz, whose porn name is "Jinxie," bought or expensed one of those digital cameras in order to "ambush the guys and ladies in the control room" and "fire off some shots" of something. So next time your phone beeps, pick up; it's probably a sext from "Jinxie!"
UPDATE! UPDATE! K-Jo is raffling off Michael Kay's body! Possibly to the wrong sex!
To be perfectly honest, there was one question I did stay away from: Is Michael Kay single? He's not married, obviously, but I didn't know how much of his personal life I should reveal. So, after the chat, I tell Kay this and he wasn't happy with me. He wants the world to know he's single. Single! Ladies, you still have a chance. The line forms to the right.YOU GOT THAT SINGLE LADIES?
Win Warble Ticker Reveals Chaotic Yankee Season
To be in the race, he needs to consistently hit 7.00.
Dirt on Arod is worth more than the dirt from old Yankee Stadium
Selena Roberts is onto something.
Her new book not only tears the lid off Alex Rodriguez but shows baseball to be corrupt, fixed, crooked, fraudulent, rotten, amoral, unethical, dishonest, vile, falsehearted, insincere, two-faced, venal and -- at times -- forsworn!
She claims Arod tipped off pitches to batter buddies in meaningless game situations.
Considering the number of meaningless home runs Arod has hit, his pals must have paid him back in full.
In fact, looking at Arod's batting average in blowouts, you might even think his team got the better of the deal.
So what about those other fellow scumbags? Does she name names? Or are they just the other 103?
Because that's the problem with these Arod effigy burnings.
There's always 103 who skate.
It's open season on him. He's a candidate for the U.S. Supreme Court.
Dirt on Arod is worth more than its counterpart from old Yankee Stadium.
Know why? It's dirtier.
The writers attack him for his failed marriage. Is he the only one in baseball who cheated on his wife? What about the other 103?
They attack him for being conceited. He must be the only one. What about the other 103?
They attack him for being overpaid. What about the other 103?
They attack him for everything. Then they talk boxscores.
There's no book deal in ripping the other 103. Their dirt doesn't sell.
This is not to attack Selena Roberts, a credible reporter, the Duke lax story notwithstanding. (Seriously: Every reporter has a Duke lacrosse story in his or her past.) Roberts has written a boat -- book! I mean book, she's written a book, sheesh, did I say "boat?" I don't know what I was thinking. She fulfilled her mission.
They didn't pay her the money to write about the other 103.
Their dirt doesn't sell.
David Cone on the act of "jerking off"
The New Stadium Insider waxes the Conian dolphin.
And the hordes still wax over the legendary Cone Dog of another, Metsian era.
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