Off-Day Yankeefesto: Why Lindsay Lohan Matters

1. At least for now, she's pretty.
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2. She was a childhood movie star, so her utter deterioration validates our own lack of fame and success.
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3. We’ll have her around for 50 years. By then, we will know more about her than about our siblings.
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4. She takes our minds off Iraq, global warming, the economy and the Presidential election; condemning her kind is one of the few unifying topics left in America.
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5. Evil corporations squandered millions to promote her.
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6. At the heart of everything, she is only doing what most kids her age do.
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7. She hasn't yet married and been fertilized; thus, she will soon infect and destroy some equally disgusting rock star.
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8. She takes the tabloid pressure off A-Rod.