First, DON'T PANIC!
Lighten up. He/she is probably just too stoned to answer.
Besides, recalling the details will later prove important to your publisher.
Now, follow the IT IS HIGH/HEATH LEDGER CPR DEATH RESPONSE SYSTEM.
Upon finding the lifeless body:
1. Call Mary-Kate Olsen; report situation.
2. As per instructions, shake body, tell it to stop kidding.
3. Call Mary-Kate Olsen; provide detailed update.
4. As per instructions, pace room, tell body you've had enough of joke, feel coldness, hold metal object up to nostril.
5. Call Mary-Kate Olsen, stress need to act.
6. As per instructions, slap body gingerly. Note lack of response. Contemplate. Tell body you are tired of body's game. Tell body you are a professional, and you don't like being jerked around like this.
7. Call Mary-Kate Olsen, explain need to act.
8. As per instructions, dial 9-1-1.
9. Await security team from Mary-Kate Olsen.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Yankeevival Guide: What to Do With an Apparently Dead Celebrity
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3 comments:
M-K Olsen is apparently like Harvey Keitel's "The Wolf" character in Pulp Fiction. She solves problems.
Yeah. The reason it took three calls is Mary-Kate was working the phones, getting Madonna's poolboy into rehab.
I wonder how you get appointed to an Olsen twins' NY security entourage.
Sounds like easy work, particularly when she is in LA.
And it speaks well of the on-site professionals that they would know, instinctively, to turn to such a sound source of wisdom and advice as Mary Kay.
I don't think an ordinary person could know this, unless they subscribe to US and People magazines.
Where, by the way , was the other Olsen twin at the time? And what was she doing? And to whom? And does her whereabouts have anything to do with Chuck Knoblach?
NYC police want to know.
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