YANKEETORIAL: George Mitchell's Flashlight

There’s that scene in the old English movie, where Headmaster Doofus says, “Who broke my special flossing cup?” The class goes silent, until the hero says, “Sir, I did.” Then his buddy says, “Sir, I did.” Then Dork and Fatty step forward. Eventually, everybody, even Reginald Wombworthy III, says, “Sir, I did.” Theme music rises. We’re into the second roll of Bounty. They all end up sleeping with Hermione Gingold.

That’s what needs to happen in baseball.

Not the Hermone Gingold part. The earlier part.

People need to fess up. Actually, it needs to happen in all sports, especially the ones featuring 350 pound human doorstops.

It’s time for our "heroes" to step forward.

They won’t, of course.

The current made-in-hell marriage of corporations, agents, bankers, lawyers, lobbyists, advertisers, politicians, owners and celebrity jocks forbids such a thing as courage.

Even if a player felt compelled to do the right thing, he’d be throwing his entourage to the wolves. It wouldn’t be fair to all the groupies, syncopaths and pharmaceutical suppliers who would lose their jobs.

Thus, we have the Mitchell Investigation, which should have been called the Mitchell Lottery. The lucky ones sit back and say how shocked – shocked! – they are.

The unlucky ones – well, they scream and yell and sue their trainer.

This is what happens when you turn a flashlight on in a cave full of snakes. You see one or two. The others slither into their holes. The Mitchell Report nailed two trainers and a bullpen full of players, who for increasingly dubious reasons, coughed up a few names.

The tip of the iceberg. Or flashlight.

Thus, we have the spectacle of Roger Clemens attempting to save his reputation, sounding like Condoleezza Rice explaining reasons for her war.

Thus, we have taxpayers paying for stadiums that are built to make better luxury boxes.

Thus, we have Congress looking to bag a few sound bytes while Iraq and Afghanistan rumble, the environment heats up, and the U.S. economy turns into the Pittsburgh Pirates.

What'll it take to shake everything up?

Who broke our special flossing cup?