Yankee Insider: MLB's traveling show of horror

Yankee rookies attended a mandatory meeting with Major League Baseball authorities before camp yesterday.

Retired FBI and DEA agents employed by the league explained the dangers -- and responsibilities! -- associated with being professional athletes.

Here are some scenes from the presentation -- taken right from the pages of the league script for its officers! -- provided for you here exclusively by It is High.

Beware of Evil Women: As a professional baseball player -- women will not be able to resist you. Protect yourself and keep it zipped.

Avoid Demon Alcohol: As a professional baseball player, you'll have a lot of spare time. Don't spend it in the bottom of a bottle. And for God's sake, don't touch the Pabst!

Pure Evil: Look around you. Somebody in this room is gonna try to gain an edge through mean Mean Greenies, Mr. Hoppy, Turkish Coffee. In a word fellas: Lay off the meth!

Protect your Internal Organs: Last year, we presented Part 1 of pancreas health. Pay special attention to this year's booth. Hey, you don't know what you got 'til it's gone.

America's crumbling infrastructure: On road trips, it pays to plan your route to the park. Stay off bridges constructed in the 1800s.

Evil Women: Look, we already brought up women. But we're doing it again because we can't emphasize enough that you'll be a hit with the ladies. Let's face it, you're titans. But illicit sex is no laughing matter. Stay out of the headlines and avoid nooners with hussies!

Leave politics to the politicians: Sooner or later, you're going to encounter people that want you to join their cause. Don't. Save the politics for your post-baseball career. Now, you're baseball players. Later, let your heart bleed all you want.