Monday, October 25, 2010

Girardi's greatest 2010 ACLS achievement: "... No attacks on America during my term."

NEW YORK _ Yank manager Joe Girardi -- acknowledging his team's unexpectedly disasterous, pathetic blowout losses, one after another, at the hands of a middling AL West franchise linked to offshore drilling -- sad he's proud that terrorists didn't attack America, kill millions and launch World War III during his 2010 ACLS.

"In that regard, I consider the series a complete success!" a jubilant Girardi told reporters, as he took a victory lap Sunday and cleaned out his locker, once and for good. Several times, Girardi raised the famous information "binder" that led to his legendary decision-making prowess. "Somehow -- I think it was through Marcus Thames -- we staved off worldwide genocide!"

Giradi said his decisions to leave Phil Hughes in too long, to pitch AJ Burnett too much, to bring in David Robertson too often and to lose to Texas -- a four-game sweep somehow splayed out over six painful games -- played a secret role in ensuring America's safety.

"I thought of missing the playoffs entirely, because we'd draft higher and make it easier to justify buying Cliff Lee, but that's not Yankee baseball," Girardi said. "And if people are mad about the final outcome, well, if those damn terrorists blew up the world, there would be no World Series! Has anybody thought of that?"


Anonymous said...

It's Bush's fault!

Joe De Pastry said...

Watching 3 months of terrible baseball has prompted me to prepare a list of 12 people I don't ever want to see in pinstripes again:

1. A-Fraud, unless he brings Kate back with him.
2. Francisco [The Powerless] Cervelli
3. Bret [Why should I learn how to bunt when swinging hard and missing looks cooler?] Gardner
5. Fat Elvis
6. Javy [Obviously] Vasquez
8. Sergio, tray of meat
9. Chad Goddamn
10. David Robertson, the designated driver of inherited runners
11. Joe Girardi, who apparently skipped the chapters in his books about high leverage situations.
12. Dave [this man IS an] Eiland: If Long could fix Granderson, why couldn't the Ei-man fix Burnett or Vasquez or Joba?

And don't discuss bringing back Damon, Melky, or Torre. Yesterday's gone. So where do all the replacements come from? I don't know [well, I know about that Lee guy, at least.] What I know for sure is that I don't want to lose again next year with the same bunch of heartless characters who spent the last 3 months looking more like Mets than like Yankees.
Ooooops: a sacreligious thought just popped into my head: Bobby Valentine is still available, isn't he?

Anonymous said...

Valentine might not be available but Joe could put on his blackout tape on his eyebrows and moustache.

I say replace Girardi with Shelley Duncan. Our Yankees may all wind up on the DL from the high-fives but at least they would be motivated!