Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Things the Pope absolutely must see if visiting upstate New York

1. The Chicken Barn at the New York State Fair! There's nothing like it, anywhere, certainly not at the Vatican. He can bless the roosters and sniff an overwhelming fragrance that will cling to his robes like a hungry Bishop. Just don't let him try to hand-heel a bantam beak, or he'll go down as Francis, the Four-Fingered.

2. Rest Stop at the Thomas E. Dewey New York State Thruway! Pick a stop, any stop. It doesn't matter. They're like bathroom tiles, all the same. He can bless a Roy Rogers Double Bar Burger or buy a 48-ounce bag of honey-mustard pretzels. Be out in less than 20 minutes.

3. The Carrier Dome! It's the site of incredible sports history, such as - um - Jim Boehein's missing 108 wins. He can eat a Dome Dog. Better: He can bless a Dome Dog. Better yet: Condemn one to hell.

4. Buffalo! Not the iconic, once-nearly extinct animal, but the "City of Wings and Weck." He can dine at the Anchor Bar and enjoy the hearty wisdom of the patrons. He can bless the Bills and maybe exorcise the spirit of Doug Marrone. He can hire Doug Marrone to build a Vatican football team, and expect to keep him for one year.

5. The Turning Stone Resort Casino Golf Resort Casino Resort! Right this minute, AS YOU ARE READING THIS, the tour bus for some eighties hair band, which you thought was dead, is driving there. Tonight, let's hope the defibrillators work. If the Pope is feelin' "hot blooded," he should "check it and see... He'll have a fever of a hundred and three."

6. The Incredible 24-Second Clock of Syracuse! (Warning: This will blow his mind and perhaps drive him from God... to technology.) Syracuse, as everyone knows, is the birthplace of the NBA's 24-second shot clock, the most important sports innovation since the TV remote. Watch the clock carefully, and you'll see that it counts down 24 seconds - AND THEN STARTS OVER AGAIN. Like clockwork. The Pope can parcel out to every pilgrim a full 24 seconds of blessings - NBA style - and keep things moving. Maybe he should install one at the Vatican.

7. Jim Boeheim!  Heal those 108 wins.

8. Destiny USA Super-Mall, Syracuse. Food court. Plus, it's the energy-efficient "green" mall (as proven by the tax breaks.) He can be saving the environment, while wasting away again in Margaritaville. (Sorry, Hooters is closed.) If his Pope-mobile is energy efficient, he'll get a good parking spot.

Wow. What am I missing? Come in, Utica - when is Moe playing next? Et tu, Binghamton? What's happening, Elmira? Do the billboards still celebrate Brian Williams?

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