Virtual Baseball: Tanaka Falls, Yanks Fall Two Back. Can Hell Be Far Behind?

Your Virtual New York Yankees took a second straight shellacking at the hands of the Toronto Blue Jays today, falling to the Canadian Birds by 13-6.

Starter Masahiro Tanaka, insisting on taking the mound despite the visibly bulging thrombosis in his pitching arm, surrendered a bases-clearing, three-run triple to Billy McKinney, just returned from the DL, in the first.

Later, the Jays would add home runs by, as usual, Vlad, Jr., Bo "The Real" Bichette, and Lourdes "The Cure" Gurriel, Jr., piling on against the usual parade of anonymous Yankees relievers.

Walkie Tauchman, Thairo Estrada, and Luke Voit all homered for the American side, but that was not enough to keep Tanner Roark from gutting out a workmanlike win, with some sturdy relief work from Jacob Waguespack.

"Let's face it:  we're a names team.  We got names like nobody's business," B.J. manager Charlie Montoyo said afterwards.  "If people can't even pronounce 'em, I don't see how they beat 'em."

In other virtual Yankees news today, general manager Brian Cashman filed a $400 million claim with Suckers Lloyd's of London, asserting that Giancarlo Stanton, Yankees man of knowledge, must have surely expired in the sharknado that devastated The Field of Dreams after the Yankees win there nine days ago.

Asked if the claim was not premature, Cashman replied, "What, nine days?  You think any body goes undetected that long?  The stink alone would tell you where it is.  No, no, Stanton was probably ripped into tiny little pieces and scattered over half the Plains states.  No offense to his family, we hope he turns up okay.  But business is business."