Like Rumsfeld to Iraq, Arod visits the troops, says he’s “fired up” about being back on treadmill

Breaking news from Arod World:

He’s on the treadmill again!  That can only mean the stepper is next.

And once he’s on the stepper, well, is the elliptical ever far behind?

Not in this man’s universe. In fact, I predict that within three weeks, Arod is reaching all his personal goals in calories. I bet he is setting new records in his workouts.

Which means – and I don’t have to say this, because we’re all thinking the same thing:  Pilates!

This is what Yankee news is like at .500.

In heartbreaking moment, John gives Swisher a "Swishalichous" even though he's playing in another city and another game

Every new dad, watching his child take those first suckling gurgles, reacts with pride, jubilation and - yes - a bit of amazement, realizing that kids grow up fast and life is never be the same. So it was yesterday, as John and Suzyn reported the bittersweet news of Nick Swisher's first homerun as an ex-Yankee.

It came during Suzyn's scoreboard: Swish had hit one, his first since the - you know, the breakup. John said it was wonderful news. "Swishalicious," he added.

In radio, no one can see you cry.

Let's hope John Swishaliciousalizes every Swish swat this year and next. That would make him the first lifetime Yankee, in the Sterling Hall of Fame.

Hey Mr. Selig, will you pay me to testify against Arod?

OK, now I get it. Major League Baseball has finally become a kangaroo court.

According to the Internet, MLB recently lost out in a bidding war over documents that it believes might incriminate evil Alex Rodriguez, tying him to a doping clinic. Thus, it has leaked to to the media another Arod-bashing avalanche of stories. How dare he buy those documents. Not fair! How can justice be served when MLB can't even buy evidence! Outrage. Scandal. MLB has been out-bidded in its attempt to buy evidence.

Buying evidence. Yep, welcome to Guatamala.

Let's forget that this so-called "investigation," which authorities have refused not to join, is now turning rumor mongering into a profit-making enterprise. Let's forget that, in essence, what we've just seen is a baseball player being blackmailed publicly by a clinic with questionable moral standards. ("So Mr. Rodriguez, we would be willing to sell YOU notes... rather than Mr. Selig.") Today's talking points are that evil-mean, moneybags Arod has spent more money than MLB to protect the last vestiges of his name. My god, that's terrible. You'd think he chose playing in large market over Seattle.

1. Wasn't it Ronald Reagan who refused to deal with hostage-takers, (until re-election made it expedient), because everybody knew the end-game: They just take more hostages.

In today's NYTimes, MLB is said to have paid ex-employees thousands of dollars to talk.

Those ex-employees were paid for the time they spent talking with baseball’s investigators, the two people said, with the payments not believed to have exceeded several thousand dollars.

2. It's another public salvo in the ongoing character assassination that - who cannot see this coming? - will lead to Arod's inevitable suspension - if not expulsion - from the Yankees and record books. They want this so bad they can taste it. And who will defend Alex Rodriguez? The Yankees? Hell no. They'd love a legal reason to get out from under the contract they initiated. If Arod's name is trashed, and he's finally cut loose, that's free money. The fans? Hell no. He's never been a fan-friendly player. And most importantly, he's not hitting. (Beneath all this anti-Arod fervor, ask yourself: Would this be happening if Arod was still batting .320?)

3. MLB has just managed to erect a national billboard that says: WE PAY TOP DOLLAR FOR EVIDENCE. Yep, they're ready to run through the trailer parks with twenty dollar bills. Next step should put Arod's picture in the Post Office with a bounty on his head.

4. The price of the so-called evidence - (by the way, lost in this landslide of accusations is Arod's denial; but who wants to hear that?) - is too high for MLB? Mercy me. Thus, mean old Mr. Arod out-bidded Bud Selig - who is paid more than $25 million a year by MLB. (In fact, that's an old figure; his salary was set to rise over the last few years. He might be making more than Arod now.) All that money going to Arod makes it hard for them to catch him. Not fair.

OK, look... it's not the most popular stance, defending Arod. But last time I looked, this was still a country where you were innocent until proven guilty. Somehow, MLB has set itself up as a major crime-fighting Justice League, without the subpoena powers or federal and state authorities - who have better things to do: (See BONDS, BARRY and CLEMENS, Roger, which will be filed under "FIASCO" and "WASTE OF MONEY.")

Of course, it doesn't matter what anybody says. The tar is hot, and the feathers are ready. Why would anyone want to stand in the way of a good necktie party?

Yankees, riding high at .500, say, "See? I told ya so!"

They're the little team that believed. The pluck-filled Yankees, enjoying their underfunded, underdog status, are feeling pretty prime these days. Pretty pretty pretty prime. A bunch of knowitalls said this team was dead. But look: Riding tall at .500, with a two-game, rain-helped sweep in Swishertown.

Three in a row, baby. Three in a row.

Meanwhile, we won't have to worry about misspelling Greinke. Bum broke his collar in a brawl last night. Another reason for Hal and Hank to sit out the next free agent auction. By the way, here's how LA will be spelling Greinke: P.A.V.A.N.O.

Two rain outs. Climate change? In the future, teams might not need five starters. What's the news? Big doubleheader with the Tribe set for May! Trenton wins in eleven, with Slade Heathcott going three for five! If the season ended today, we'd be a half-game out of the AL East divisional crown, and a half-game out of the Wild Card. Plucky underdogs.

Are we supposed to celebrate another homerrific team?

When the Retrieval Empire last winter inked Sergeant Youkilis to a one-year deal, a few writers dusted off the old punch line about him being the "Greek God of Walks." OK, fine. Unfortunately, in their quest to re-enact a Greek tragedy, the Yankees embody no god. Nope. We follow the blind poet, Homer.

Yesterday, before Cleveland called in sick, the Yankees were tied for the MLB lead in home runs. This news restored some sense of hope to a spring full of doubters. As Stump would say, "Runs is runs, as long as they aint the ones on the terlit." But I dunno.

Last fall, the Yankiverse received a harsh reminder of what we knew all season, but were called trolls whenever we mentioned it. It's not a pretty sight when homer hitters run into playoff pitchers. They swing like blind poets. Last October, the revelation hit us so fast we barely lasted four games. If it was fight, they'd a stopped it.

Listen: We are either a team that moves runners and drives them in, or we are just another traveling water cooler, rumbling from town to town until we run out of gas. We've had fun in Cleveland. Eight run leads are like chicken soup for the Yankee fan soul. Still, I'd like to win a 3-2 game. We need to know who can hit with everything on the line. We need to see Mariano go one-two-three, no room for error.

Maybe it's just me. But as Joe Torre used to say, I don't get comfortable until we're 20 games over .500. We won't homer our way to that plateau. Can anybody bunt?

Pronk: The Poem

Jesus Christ: You like him? Honk!
Lindsay Lohan? Fall-down dronk, 
Johnny Rotten: Eighties ponk,
Travis Hafner: Our man Pronk!

Kim Kardashian: Kanye's bonk,
Paris Hilton: What a skonk!
Oscar winner: Hilary Swonk,
Travis Hafner, New York Yonk.

Deep within the heart of last night's laugher, John unveiled two new home run calls

Commenter J. Lam caught them. Considering how rare they might be, this might have been the baseball equivalent of spotting a red-crowned crane.


Lyle Overbay: "Lyle hits it a mile."

Brennan Boesch: "BB... it's a BB! Boesch... by gosh."

Of the newest Yankees, we still await Ben Francisco.

My hopes: "Home run... a Roni! The Ben Francisco treat!"

Or: "I've left my heart with Ben Francisco!"

How dare they! Cleveland plunks Youk

“While there is a lower class I am in it; while there is a criminal element I am of it; while there is a pitcher beaning Youkilis, I am not free.”


- Eugene V. Debs -

Yesterday, the Yankiverse faced its first major crisis of the "Good Youk Era:" No sooner did Robbie Cano homer than Kevin Youkilis - our Kevin Youkilis - took a plunking, square in the back lot. 

Immediately, pitcher Carlos Carrasco was ejected from the game. I hope he faces a severe caning. Later, the man apologized. Yeah, right. As if a few well chosen words can restore the smiling head to Lady Liberty?

I. Don't. Think. So.

Today, the Yankiverse must form a protective cone around Youkilis - a human shield comprised of fans and homeless people who can be purchased with wine, a buffer zone of flesh that will guard our thirdbaseman with their lives, if necessary. This psychic force of human nature must accompany the team on road trips and make sure that Youkilis is not targeted by hotel lobby wenches, police speed traps or vending machines that seek to steal his hard-earned coins.

Yes, I know... a few of you out there still don't trust him. He was once a heathen Redsock. He wore their colors. You say, Once a Redsock, always a Redsock. Well, dammit, that's racist. The man renounced. He took up vows as a Yankee. He came to our team, he put on our stripes, and he's hitting .350. He's laying down his own life to protect Cano in the lineup.  

And when Youk is hit by a pitch, we all are hit by that pitch.

Yes, I am the Yankee fan who once brandished a tee-shirt that said, "I BRAKE FOR YOUKILIS BEANINGS." For the rest of my life, I must deal with that shame. But I have put the shirt away. I shalt not wear it anymore. I have put the hatred away. I shalt not wear it anymore.

I shalt not fight against my brother! Carrasco needs a harsh suspension. The Yankiverse is watching, Mr. Selig.

Three and one, baby: We're three and one since mentioning the International Juju Intervention

Early this week, with the Eve-Emps on the verge of elimination from the 2013 AL pennant race, we pondered orchestrating a worldwide juju relief mission of mercy - an intervention known by some as "charging the mound."

Well, it worked. The Yankees are 3-1, baby, three-and-one, since we mentioned the - um - thing. We're not going to burst our britches on this, because everybody knows if you start touting your juju, that's how you mess up your juju. 

Still, let's give credit where it's due: The endless refinement Alphonso's juju stance. Normally, he's a carpet-bomber of negativity. This pushes the jujuverse to restore the Yankees. But last week, he made ridiculous happy-talk postings - and then turned around and became brutally negative again. Try to defense that, Coach Madden! We have witnessed the juju equivalents of a perfectly placed bunt down the third base line to break a defensive overshift.

I don't want to beat this dead juju horse. It's April. Sometimes, just mentioning a trip to the woodshed frightens a child into behaving. That's what I think happened. We mentioned the - you know - thing, and the Yankees began to win.

Three and one, baby, three and one! But, obviously, we'll lose today.  Juju doesn't exist. Everybody knows that.

Ahh, Ubaldo Jimenez... the greatest deal that Death Wish Cashman never made

Ahhh, the Cleavers of Cleveland: May they always play against us!

Opening day by the lake. Such a delight. Nick Swisher. Terry Francona. Funny named players - Drew Stubbs. Asdrubal Cabrera. Big humiliated crowd. The return of Pronk.  Amazing press box coffee machines. (See next post) Five run cakewalk - plus the icing: A remembrance of the reason we still love Brian "Death Wish" Cashman, our team pilot - or Pilate - considering that he betrayed Jesus.

Let's set the wayback to the thrilling days of yesteryear, to mid-2011, when the Colorado Rockies are putting Ubaldo Jimenez on the meat market. The guy is coming off a 19-win season, in which he was briefly hailed as the best pitcher in baseball. But something happened to his Ubaldons, and the Rockies wanted him gone before the next paycheck.

So they did what everybody does: Call the Yankees. For days, rumors mongered across NYC talkshows that we would trade Jesus Montero, Austin Romine, Brett Gardner, or something for Ubaldo. But Brian Cashman held the line.

Cleveland traded four young players to Colorado: Joseph Gardner, Matt McBride, Alex White and Drew Pomeranz. (BTW: None are on the active roster; Gardner and Pomeranz are still on the 40-man.) Keep in mind that a trade between Cleveland and Colorado is like a celebrity boxing event pitting Mungo Jerry against Adam Ant.

Maybe we could have wheedled and gotten Ubaldo for less. But Cashman said at the time, they saw little improvement by getting the guy. And he was right. In three years with Cleveland, Ubaldo is 13-22, with an ERA near 6. Thank God we didn't get him. (Of course, Brian was watching a young stud from Seattle named Pineda at the time; little did we know. Ahh, but that's Seattle... If Cleveland had traded with them, it would have Mungo Jerry vs. Vanilla Ice.)

O, the fickle red tide of fate. 

Yesterday in Cleveland, hipster John was talking money... dig it? Dough... bread... slamootz... macramamba... beelskee...

It transpired after John and Suzyn heralded the amazing coffee machines in Cleveland - devices that John has mastered. This coaxed Suzyn to say Progressive Field is her favorite new stadium - (of road stadiums, it goes without saying) - and one reason is the way Indians MGMT gives its high-roller fans - (all four) - what they want: A place to gather and good seats close to the field.

That led to this ultra-hip exchange.

"In celebration of John Sterling’s 25th year calling Yankee games... listed below is the beginning of an attempt to catalogue every personalized home run call uttered by the broadcaster. "

The Captain's Blog has launched The John Sterling Project:

Since (2002), 86 different Yankees have homered, but so far, I have identified at least one personalized home run call for only 54.

The goal of the John Sterling Project is to fill in the blanks in the list below. Because Sterling has evolved from ordaining only prominent players with a distinct home run call to extending the honor to all hitters, not every blank will have an answer. However, if you know of a Sterling call not included below, please leave a comment (along with corroborating sources or audio links, if possible). You can’t predict John Sterling, but you can at least try to record his genius for future generations.

The list so far is here. If you can help, you have to.

In light voter turnout, Brian Cashman prevails as March IT IS HIGH Yankee Employee of the Month

Note: This may have been a vote of sympathy by Yankee fans.  Combined with his Handicapped Parking pass, Cashman's Employee of the Month parking pass means he REALLY gets to park close to the field.

"Hello, welcome to America's hottest line. Guys, hot ladies are waiting to talk to you. How may I help you?" Uh, yeah, can I talk to Lyle Overbay?

In the Daily Murdoch.

From the Jake to the Fake: It's opening day at Cleveland's "Your Name Here Stadium:"

I can't tell you the name of the ballpark where the Syracuse Chiefs - formerly the Syracuse SkyChiefs - play. Once, it was "MacArthur Stadium," named for the WWII general who inspired Dr. Strangelove. The place was majestic, but it had no luxury boxes. So the city fathers razed it. They replaced it with a soul-less chunk of concrete called "P&C Stadium," named for the grocery chain that is not Wegmans. Later, it became Alliance Bank Stadium, but the bank was razed - maybe it had too many luxury boxes - and now we play in BLT Stadium or BBC Stadium - something with letters. I don't bother to remember. These names are like third string catchers for the Chiefs: They come and go. Who cares? If I still call it MacArthur Stadium, everybody knows what I mean.

NEVERTHELESS: I hereby vow to change if and when the Dollar Store buys naming rights. That would inspire me. Better yet: "All For a Dollar Stadium." Or we could copy Florida Atlantic University, down there in Florida (I think), which recently came within a few protests of naming its stadium after Geo Group, the private prison company.  Welcome to Syracuse's "Attica Stadium!" Doesn't that have a nice ring?
 OK, I know what you're thinking: That's what you get, Seely, for living in a cheapo minor league backwaters, one of those towns with a three-day-a-week newspaper, where the Yaybobs look for images of Jim Boeheim in their toast.  Well, you're right. If somebody comes to Syracuse with Italian shoes, the local Industrial Development Authority automatically offers them a bond issue.

Then again,  today's home opener in Cleveland takes place at "Progressive Field," not The Jake.

Folks, the terrorists won.

"The Jake" was a great ballpark name, short for Jacobs Field, named after the team's owner -- uhm, Mr. Jacobs. Now it's Progressive Insurance, with Flo as the mascot, rather than Chief Wahoo. (No loss there.) No lie: It's near Quicken Loans Arena, part of the Gateway Sports and Entertainment Complex - for now anyway. In five years, it might be Subway Field, with the team motto: "Eat fresh."

Better writers than I have lamented this naming rights crapola. But the Steinboys ought to take notice. Because the whisperers keep whispering that Hal and Hank one day will cash out and return to building ships. (BTW, that's a joke.) When that happens, the next owner of the Yankees might look at that nice spring training complex, Steinbrenner Field, and think - hmmm - how much is it worth? That would sadden me. Unless, of course, the Dollar Store steps forward.

Victory No. 2

What If?

What if the Yankees don't get any better when Derek, Tex, A-Rod and Grandy get back?

It'sStill October, 2012, Don't You Know?

A few words about Robbie Cano;

1.  He is hitting just like he did against Detroit last year in the playoffs.  That is to say, not at all.

2.  He is the only "next generation" Yankee ( after Mariano, Derek, Andy ) that is hall-of-fame talented, and came up through the Yankee system.

3.  He still doesn't bust it to first on " automatic out" ground balls.

4.  He is going to want $180+ million in his next contract.

5.  What if he keeps hitting at a .130 clip?  Is his history worth $180 million?

6.  If you were Robbie, and knew that the remainder of your prime career years would be spent with non-playoff, " re-building" Yankee teams, would you want to stay?

7.  Would the Yankees be smart to trade him for some actual prospects, since we have none?

A few general ideas and queries:

8.  Is anyone in the Yankee hierarchy capable of identifying a prospect?

9.  Do we need a new manager and general manager before any Yankee prospect is given a legitimate shot at playing for the Bronx Bombers?

10.  Is Dr. Andrews, from Birmingham, Ala., secretly selecting the Yankee draft picks?

A Quick Historical Perspective;

11.  The 1965 Yankees, after the first five games of their season, were 3-2.

Why Do I laugh When I see Joba Warming Up?

12.  I don't know.  But it is a far different reaction than I had when he first came to the Yankees.

Prediction:

CC will pitch better today, but we are not going to score enough runs to beat Verlander.

Plight of Evil Empire is worse than you think: Winless Scranton nearly burned down its stadium last night

You think you got it tough? How'd you like to be a diehard Yank fan in Scranton?

They must sit out 2012, while the team cavorts along NY's Thomas Dewey Thruway - not one Scranton homestand. This year, the "RailRiders" arrive - lacking a prospect - to blow the first three games to the Pawtucket Redsocks, which aren't exactly brimming with talent (until  Jackie Yastremski Jr. plays himself into a demotion.)

The Railriders' lineup represents a typical Yankee Triple A team, extending back to the days of Columbus.  (Not Christopher, Ohio.) They're old and have no rising stars.

The free-swinging outfielder Melquisedec Mesa now has three hits in 12 ABs - and seven (7!) strikeouts. Annual first-day-of-spring-training phenom Zolio Almonte is 1 for 10. If you expected a rising young shortstop - in case Jeter and Nunez were hurt - wrap your head around Gil Velazquez - born in 1979 - a non-roster player, to boot. Ronnier Mustellier - the ancient Cuban who impressed in camp - must be hurt. He hasn't swung a bat yet.

Scranton has one young guy who conceivably could help the team before June 1 - Mark Montgomery, a middle-innings pitcher, who they are terrified of moving too fast.  (By the way, they're still trying to make a starter out of Dellin Betances, last gasp of the Andrew Brackman theory of franchise-building.)

Last night, to cap a dismal late-inning meltdown after a warhorse named Jim Miller surrendered four runs, the team celebrated its return to Scranton with a fireworks display. The charges set a nearby field ablaze. Though the team pooh-poohed the damage - saying that's why it hired experts - it's a damn good thing the Moosic fire department was not comprised of mourning Syracuse University basketball fans (Scranton's Gerry McNamara notwithstanding), or the Traveling Wilkes Barres might have once again headed for the NYS Thruway. 

It's rare to see a organization where everything seems to have collapsed simultaneously. The only thing that comes close is the Center for Disease Control, as depicted in season one of "The Walking Dead." This season, the Bronx isn't going to be burning. Scranton? Who knows?

Something To Ponder

Add caption

Was There A Failed Intervention? Are We Only Looking Inside The Box?

There are, suddenly, events taking place about which I know nothing.  Maybe.

A Ju-Ju intervention may have been launched from a secret location upstate which did not help in yesterday's game.  I hope that is not the case.  Are we dealing with North Korea here?

We have only so much " intervention"ammunition available, given the "sequestered " cuts in our intervention budgets, and so many future threats and assaults against this Yankee team are anticipated.

Nonetheless, a few queries for the troops and field commanders:

1.  How many more position players must be injured until Cashman is forced to bring up an actual rookie from our minor league system?

Answer:  Unlimited.  Cashman, like the recently "retired" Pope, is hiding something.  He desperately wants to conceal the fact that we don't have a single prospect who can, today ( or next year ),  successfully play in the major leagues.  Like the recent Pope's legacy, egregious crimes have been committed and covered up for years (why isn't he worried about God's reaction, or did he clear that up with a last minute phone call?), and there have been no consequences.  Similarly, we still employ the same dead-beat talent evaluators and no one has lost their job.

2.  Didn't we use a number one pick to select a future shortstop candidate, knowing that one day Derek would be slowing down or injured?  And that his back-up might get injured?  Can't we give him a shot?

Answer :  Readers of this blog read El Duque's recent recap of our top picks.  Cito Culver, a shortstop seen as" the future" was drafted number one by the Yankees 3 years ago.  I think he is now the back-up utility infielder and pinch runner for one of those independent league teams in the mid-west where Darryl Strawberry used to re-hab during his various post-fog comebacks.  Cito still weighs about 137 pounds and can't bunt.  The odds in Vegas of him ever playing in the major leagues is more than 1 million to 1.

3.  Anyone see the picture of Nova on the bench in today's Daily News?

Answer:   They could have taken that picture from the archives of any of his final 8 starts from last season.  His eyes are glazed, he displays the confidence of a muskrat surrounded by a pack of wolves,  and his body language says;   " I don't dare tell these guys my arm already hurts."

There is no doubt that an intervention is called for.  But of what nature?

One more injury and Youkilis plays shortstop

I don't want to be negative. I really don't. But when the tire blows, the spare is missing, the cell phone doesn't work, and as you walk the dark and deserted road, it starts to sleet - well - don't you just want to - I don't know - do something crazy... like play Youkilis at shortstop?

Yeah, that's right. It's as if you're telling God: "Screw you, Old Man! I'm not afraid anymore! What more can you do to me? Hell with this! You go Yahweh, and I'll go mine!"

Youk at short. That's today's backup plan. A divine comedy, is it not? 

If Jason Nix goes down - as we know he will - Cervelli will move to 3B, which he played in some mixed office softball league - and Youk will take over at SS. I am not making this up. That's Girardi's plan. The Yankees - the Walking Dead - are so handcuffed with injured players, disappointing prospects and - well - scrap heap acquisitions that we'll never play but still don't want to lose - (I'm talking about you, Thomas Neal) - that we have to survive until Eduardo Nunez's bone bruise heals with a bench as thin as a coat of Windex.  And if that means playing catchers in the infield, so be it.

Nuni is listed as "day-to-day." Translated from Yankee language, that usually means a week.

It's comical. It's a Benny Hill sketch. It's North Korea, without the nukes. I'd yell, "What else can go wrong?" but we all know what kind of juju that conjures.

Insert sigh here.

Yesterday, listening to John and Suzyn talk about the Tigers lineup was like hearing a toad describe a bullfrog: You could not help but hear the envy in their voices. At one point, John was going through the first five batters in the Detroit order, and you would have thought he was describing the 1927 Yankees. ("That Austin Jackson, he just keeps getting better and better.") Unspoken - but quite apparent - was the notion that we don't even belong on the same field.

And soon Youkilis will be playing short.

A couple more tweaks, and who knows? Mariano playing left? Don't laugh. We'll need an OF far more than a closer.

"A NUKE... FROM YOUK: John goes with the people's choice for Youkilis HR call

Today, The Master unveiled his HR call for Kevin Youkilis, selecting the phrase that voters overwhelmingly supported in a poll three weeks ago on this site:

"A NUKE... FROM YOUK."

Bringing us up to date on John's calls for new Yankees:

Vernon Wells: "The Bronx is Vernon."

Travis Hafner: "A Pronk's Bomber"

Kevin Youkilis: "A nuke from Youk."

OK, I know what you're thinking:  "John is sounding a little... violent, wouldn't you say?"

Clearly, John is moving from happy show tunes and extended first-person references, such as "You're on the mark, Teixeira," and "Curtis, you're something sort of grandish."

He's returning to short snippets, his roots. Each new call is less than four words. Also, none has yet evolved a secondary cry, such as: "An A-bomb from A-Rod, Alexander the Great conquers again."  Those would likely come later. John doesn't hand out secondary taglines like candy. A hitter has to earn one.

Still, there is no doubt that John is invoking violent metaphors. "A nuke from Youk" needs no explanation. "Pronk's bomber" is another weapon of mass destruction. "The Bronx is Vernon" is a play on the phrase "The Bronx is burning," yet another apocalyptic vision of hell.

Should we worry about John? Good question. The simple answer is, yes, we should always worry about John. But the real concern is this Yankees team. If it falls out of contention by, say, August 20, will we be hearing regular descriptions of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Maybe.

Let's just remember: We voted in favor of "A nuke from Youk." Who knows? Maybe the Master isn't just talking. Maybe he is listening.

Yanks Tear Up Socks...Begin First Meaningful Win Streak

I told you Andy would pitch great.  He was even better than I forecast.

I think we now begin our climb to first place.

If Ivan Nova can get out of any inning, we have a shot.  Is he our number 4?  He has pitched more like number 2, I know.

But I saw we win the next five in a row.

No problems.

We own this division.

Railrider Report: Melky Mesa was on fire last night in Scranton: 5 Ks with runners on base

The line on Melky Bradley Jr. was always that he fans too much. Last night, the Mesa Melkman tallied five (5) Ks. That's beyond the Golden Sombrero. That's October in New York. That's King Kong Kingman. 

Moreover, the good Quakers of Scranton waited all year for their Traveling Wilkes Barres to exit the New York State Thruway (they'd lost their punch ticket and didn't want to pay full fare) and return to Moosic. Last night, the team lost in 10 to the defending Governor's Cup champion Pawtucket Pawsocks.

The Railrider bats were probably going through Sbarro withdrawal, no longer accessing the Batavia-to-Albany rest stop cuisine. Our pitching held up: Vidal Sassoon Nuno - winner of the 2013 Most Exciting Rookie in Yankee Spring Training Award - pitched almost five innings and gave up 2 runs. The Thruway already misses him.

But five strikeouts in five at bats, each with at least one runner on base - wow.

Listen: It's a long season, and Melky Mesa certainly has time to restore his good Cabreraean name within the Electric City - and the future of the Yankees. It's been said that he'll be the first outfielder recalled in the event of a broken pinkie. Well, let's keep our fingers crossed.

And no matter what he does HR-wise, let's not take our eyes off his strikeout totals. If he can't cut down on his swing - well - we just have the wrong Melky.

A 20 win season, and Andy Pettitte deserves Cooperstown

It is certifiably insane to claim the Yankees needed to win last night's game. 

Yep. Lunacy. Booga-booga. We know better. Any blogger or writer who says it was a "must" victory - send 'em down to Columbus!

That said, holy crap, did Andy Pettitte save our butts or what?

Someday, when the Hall of Fame voters look back on Pettitte's career, I hope they remember last night. (They won't, of course. A week from now, its significance will have faded like the white dot on a turned off Motorola TV.) But it was vintage Andy victory. Nobody hit for him. We already look like an anemic batting order, with a potential Knoblauch at SS (not last night, though!) and a statue of Vernon Wells in left field. But last night, it didn't matter. Andy saved our butts.

Can you imagine the psychic implications of three opening losses at home to the Redsocks - a team picked to finish below .500 - on the heels of a spring full of injuries and botched sky-dives? Apprehension in the Yankiverse - which runs thick as maple syrup - would be on verge of turning into disinterest. (Not in this blog, mind you; we're the Fourth Rail and the 12th Veil of Yankee outrage; we'll never stop screaming.)  

It is certifiably insane to say the Yankees needed to win that game. 

Some people claim it's just as crazy to argue that Andy belongs in Cooperstown. They point to two career numbers: 246 wins and 3.85 ERA. 

Well, twenty wins would land him near 270. And the ERA must be factored with an entire career in the AL East at a time when it was by far the most pitcher punishing division in baseball. 

What's sad is that we twice let him go - both times to his home. Damn. If he pitched in 2011 - let's say he wins 15. If he hadn't taken that line drive last summer, let's say he wins eight more. He could be looking to push 300 - the golden ticket to Cooperstown.

In the coming years, there will be sportswriters who want to discard Andy's name for Cooperstown because of statistics and the claim that the Yankees inflate win totals.

Let's remember last night.

John's Opening WinWarble: 6.10 seconds

Serviceable. But is it my imagination, or does he sound a bit weak at the end?

R.I.P. Roger Ebert: The first piece I ever got published in New Yorker was about you

Long ago and far away.

"At the News." (Digital subscription required to read the whole thing.)

First good news of the season: Turncoat Trump boards Redsock bandwagon

Trump congratulates future Hall of Famer  Jackie Bradley Jr.

It is high, it is far, it is... a Brian Cashman blingee!

Why not?

A Fun Wager For An Upbeat Season

Here's the bet;

Will the Yankees win a game before the Marlins score a run?

It is only day 3 of the 2013 season, and look what fun we are already having?

Thanks, Brian, for making this year a cake walk.

Yankees Double Offensive Output !

We are definitely riding on a positive wave.

True, we were down 7-1 for a while, and some cynics undoubtedly " cashed it in" and watched a documentary on NOVA.

But our assembled team of all pro players and candidates did not do that.  No one was eating over-sized pastrami sandwiches in our dugout. No, sir.

We rallied smartly and nearly made a game of it.

And we learned more than what we read on John's list of positive takeaways;  we learned that our problem may not be an inability to score runs.  Our problem may be; pitching.

If we always give up a lot of runs early; and if our pitcher also gets injured; that is a lot for Jason Nixx to overcome.  Even Hafner would struggle with that.

Pitcher injuries mean we have to bring up someone to pitch that the Yankees really want to trade for another old player.  Although we do have Chin Ming in our system now.  He could replace an injured pitcher.  I love the irony.

 Relax, everyone. This team is storming towards its first win.  We don't even have the longest losing streak in the majors.  There are plenty of high quality teams waiting to get a game on the plus side of the ledger.  Plenty.

Prediction:  Andy Pettitte will celebrate his 42nd birthday tonight with a win.  He'll go six strong innings and yield 1 run.  Two at the most.  We scored four yesterday.  That would give us a win.

So my vote is that it is too early to support the "called for" international Ju-Ju intervention.  That is a panic move and this team does not require panic.  It recalls calm, objective appraisal and assessment.

After all, we are going to sweep the playoffs and the world series.  So why the panic?

My advice;  double down on your bet on the Yankees in Vegas.

Cashman has put together a monster.

Open letter to Bud Selig: It's time to bring drones to baseball stadiums

Dear Mr. Commissioner,

Last night, a few nail-tough Yankee fans braved arctic hell to watch an evil, scheming succubus of a game. The Yankees were down 7-1 in a bitter cold, yet they maintained vigil. These heroes deserve medals. Each should receive a ream of free copying paper from W.B. Mason - instead of the "ream" of another sort, which the home team supplied last night, and which need not be  pursued here in descriptive depth.

It is time for fan-drones! On hell nights like last night, no human being - not even Donald Trump - should have to sit for four hours on a frozen plastic plank and feel his seed-maker turn into salt. Drones have proven to be great successes, militarily. In Afghanistan, they have been hits as wedding parties and Bar Mitzvahs - (actually, not too many Bar Mitsvahs, but you get the point.)

How about a baseball fan application, Mr. Selig!

Why not give fans the option of renting an overhead flying drone? Of course, each drone must to adhere to the rules of F.A.A. airspace, and they must not interfere with batted balls. Each drone can be equipped with a hockey horn, so fans can blast their delight over a home run or strikeout. Drones can not only supply great fan vantage points, but they will explain photographs like this one, of the suffering Yankee fans who could have been home, popping popcorn.

This season, Yankee attendance can be sky-high, without boots on the ground.

DRONES FOR FANS! THE TIME HAS COME! LET THE WORLD HEAR OUR CALL...

IT IS HIGH, IT IS FAR, IT IS... A DRONE!

Is it already time for an International Juju Intervention?

In case you have missed the news, the Yankees are 0-2, but nobody's panicking, because they're only home losses against the Redsocks, and - hey - we lost our first three games last year, and look how great that turned out!

Well... by the Hoary Hosts of Hughes, it may be time for the Yankiverse to take action: AN INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION.

On May 21, 2012, this website launched last season's first International Juju Intervention - a humanitarian rescue mission-type event, in which fans across the globe stormed their TVs simultaneously to transmit Higgs-Rizzutonic particles into the astral substrata - oh, crap, I don't want to get so technical that only Harvard-trained baristas and comic book characters can understand it; this is a Yankeefan blog, which means it needs to be comprehended by beagles. Want to understand the intervention? See the video!



The Intervention saved last season. I'm not lying about this. I don't lie about things like juju. We went 9-3 and then 20-4 after the Intervention. You can look it up. Later, in August, after another Intervention, we went 10-3.

Unfortunately, as the season droned on, so did our collective juju. Our playoff juju interventions failed miserably. Apparently, some unknown cap determines the amount of single-season juju a team can conjure. You can go to the well once too often - like Don Imus making jokes about "hoes." We're studying this.

So here we are: Is it already time to put on our juju shoes? Another few losses, and get ready, everybody. WE CANNOT LET THIS SEASON FLY OUT THE WINDOW IN APRIL. A FEW MORE LOSSES, AND THE STEINBROTHERS ARE LIKELY TO START MAKING TERRIBLE TRADES, WHICH COULD PUT THIS FRANCHISE IN THE COOLER FOR A DECADE. IT MAY BE TIME FOR US TO DROP OUR FIRST JUJU BOMB. Stay tuned.

John's takeaway points from tonight's loss

1. Adam Warren certainly must be happy with tonight's performance. Unfortunately, it might be a reason why he is sent to Scranton: He threw a lot of pitches, and manager Joe Girardi, due to the extra strain on the Yankee pitching staff, might want to send Warren down to get a fresh arm. Still, Adam has to be pleased!

2. Boston's Alfredo Aceves has turned into sort of a stormy guy. That's not how John remembers him. He was always pleasant, very nice wife, but he seems to be very emotional for Boston.

3. The biggest news to come out of Suzyn's Clubhouse Report will be the update on Hiroki Kuroda's fingers. The Yankees will be keeping their fingers crossed - heh heh - about the state of Hiroki's fingers. It will be really important to know if Hiroki can make his next start.

4. Thursday, Andy Pettitte makes his 2013 Yankee debut. And the Yankees are hoping he can get it down. It's way too early to worry, way too early. Still, it's kind of an important game. Nobody wants to get swept at home in the first series of the season. And the Yankees are no different on that front.

5. The crowd that left early should mean a lot less traffic on the Deegan. On afternoon games when everybody stays until the end, and the game ends and rush hour, it's really... "Anyway, you get the idea." 



6. Tonight's Power report, sponsored by Indian Point. The Yankees tonight had two home runs, by Pronk, Travis Hafner, and one by Vernon Wells. That leaves the Yankees with two home runs on the season. Travis and Vernon are currently tied for the team lead in home runs. Each has one.
 

John's home run call: "The Bronx is Vernon... Wells Rings the Bells"

For the record, "Hunk-a-hunk-a Vernon love" would have been better. 

Game 2, Bottom 6th

Read more >>

Another first round pick down the drain?

Ty Hensley, our first pick last June, needs hip surgery and will be out for three months.

He's 19, and it's crazy to think he's done. But it's just as crazy to think this isn't a really bad sign. Good grief, how do we find these guys? Will a first round pick ever make it?

Look at the list of the last 10 years.

2003: Eric Duncan (washout)
2004: Phil Hughes (success! but will we keep him?)
2004: Jonathan Poterson (total washout)
2004: Jeffrey Marquez (ho-hum)
2005: Carl Henry (washout)
2006: Ian Kennedy (biggest success of group! but we traded him)
2006: Joba Chamberlain (success! but did we ruin him?)
2007: Andrew Brackman (washout)
2008: Gerrit Cole (wouldn't sign)
2008: Jeremy Bleich (hurt, probable washout)
2009: Slade Heathcott (was hurt, entering make or break year)
2010: Cito Culver (hasn't hit, ascent slowing)
2011: Dante Bichette Jr. (coming off disappointing year)
2012: Ty Hensley (now this...)

When a great prospect suffers an injury like this, there's no way you can spin it. He's simply not the prospect that he was. Good grief, did the Yankees catch something infectious? Did the ancient Mayans have a bone to pick with New York?

Ummm... it's time to take nominations for MARCH YANKEE IT IS HIGH EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Joe Girardi...  G.I. joe: retaliation
Kevin Youkilis... the croods
Brian Cashman... olympus has fallen
Hal Steinbrenner... oz the great and powerful
Lyle Overbay... spring breakers
Vernon Wells... the incredible burt wonderstone
Juan Rivera... escape from planet earth

Who am I missing...?

Yanks Remain One Game Out

I missed yesterday's game because Pukilis was scheduled to play.

All I did this morning was drink a quick bloody mary with a huge tablespoon of horseradish and glance at the standings.

We either won or everyone lost, because we are still only one game out.

I knew that Day 2 would bring us redemption.  This may be a quirky line-up, but our blend of age and youth along with a bench any one would sell their first born to possess, gives me a good feeling every day.  I don't care who we are playing.

We can almost count on scoring two runs no matter who is pitching against us.

And, in a larger sense, who amonst us would not eagerly buy into the following phrase:

"  If we are only one game out come September 23rd, I'll gladly take it ?" So all appears well, even though it is early.

A couple of queries about yesterday's match-up:

Did Nunez get any hits?  Who pitched?  I think it was Kuroda's turn but I am a little foggy today.  Andy goes tonight?  Dandy Andy?

I've got poker club tonight, so I'm not sure they will even let me listen on radio.  Send texts if Pukey gets beaned or breaks something.

Thx.

Go Yanks.  This is our Year!

Ding Dong, Scott Boras is gone; but does a New York State of Mind mean Robbie Cano is in the bag? Dream on...

Yesterday, to read your cell phone, the Yankiverse enjoyed its happiest day since liberating Ichiro from the basement of the Space Needle.  What brought these drunken smiles? It was news on the Munchkin wire that Robbie Cano's house landed on Scott Boras, the wicked agent with the green skin and pointy black hat. Cano fired MLB's most hated agent and replaced him with Beyonce - or Jay-Z, anyway - a Yankee fan who surely won't let our team lose our best player.

Sez the Gray Lady: "For the Yankees...  a heartening development."

Sez Joel Sherman:  "... a revelation by Cano that all but screams: “Keep me in The Bronx.”

Sez the Daily News: "... a boost in negotiations with the Yankees..."

Of course, any mention of - dare we say the name? - Scott Boras brought a fresh barrage of grenades from the aspiring Gammonites, who regularly toady up to Bud Selig - the $25 million per year Commissioner. Once again, the players and agents are stealing hard-earned money from the poor owners.  My fave came from USA Today: "[Boras] plays to the player’s professional pride and greed to pad his pockets. Don’t forget that each and every one of his contracts puts money where he wants it most, in his wallet."

Dear God, where do you start?

OK, let's agree that baseball players make too much money. We fans irrationally yearn for the days when Richie Hebner dug graves in the off-season, and thus players understood the working life of Americans, who once put them on so high a pedestal. Well... that ship sure sailed. But don't blame the agents. And don't blame the union. It was the avalanche of TV and marketing money that fans were willing to bestow on these federally protected trust monopolies - a rain of coins that fell upon the owners, who merely had to shovel up the money and drive to the bank.

Believe it or not, a lot of Yankee fans still blame the Arod contract on Scott Boras. (Helloooo? A quick reminder: Arod fired Boras, and THEN the Yankees negotiated their 10-year disaster.) Whenever a Boras player makes too much money, the sports world writhes and screams about the injustice - not the owner who paid it.

Are we to believe Jay-Z is working for the Yankees? Is he a secret Yankee operative, who will sell out Robbie so the team can rebuild in two years, rather than four? That would be great! Good grief, we'll get all the players! We'll have Carmelo Anthony and Lebron James! Do we honestly believe that Cano will sign a contract out of love for his team... intoxicated by a New York State of Mind?

Just remember this, a kiss is still a kiss... And the Steinbrothers - whose dad (rest in peace) happened to pass away in the period of huge inheritance tax breaks, saving them millions upon millions of dollars - cling to every penny like nickel deposit bottles from a homeless person's shopping cart. Their father understood that every show in New York demands fresh new stars, exciting new attractions - and every year, he pulled in the fannies by unveiling the likes of Reggie, Catfish, the Giambino, Moose, Irabu, et al. Win or lose, star or dud, he brought in new prime meat.

These Magoos? They wouldn't bid on Darvish. They wouldn't bid on Chapman. They wouldn't bid on Cespedes. They wouldn't even bid on Jose Soler, a rising star now for the Cubs. Nope, they want the Yankiverse to celebrate rescue and salvage operations for Vernon Wells and Lyle Overbay, Ben Francisco and Brennan Boesch. Good luck with that.

Look... the season's early, a lot can happen, and I swear we're hoping for the best. When Cano and Youk struck out Monday with the tying runs on base, our hearts sank. But if this were a Magic 8-Ball, the message would read: SIGNS POINT TO NO on this brutal season. And if in June the Yankees face the negativity they're already conjuring, we're nuts to think Jay-Z will rescue us, or if it matters who is representing Robbie Cano.

Folks, it's not about who negotiates for Robbie. It's all about the other side of that table. And yesterday, nothing changed.

Congratulations to Don Zimmer, who today threw out the ceremonial first pitch at Tampa's home opener

I hope it landed solidly.

What is Joba Chamberlain trying to tell us through his mustache?

The Yankee Code of Conduct, Section 42, Article A, states: "Players shall not exhibit rampant, wanton or unruly facial hair, either natural or synthetic, which undermines the franchise's traditional image of idealism, youth and opposition to tomfoolery. Chins, upper lips and shoulders should feature freely exposed dermis, unless special waivers are granted. See GAMBLE, OSCAR. "

When stars, such as Kevin Youkilis, join the team, the first order of business - after the de-lousing bath - is to be shaven and shorn of excessive facial festoonery.

Which is why, yesterday, all practicing fans of the Yankiverse were dismayed and concerned over the "situation" involving Joba Chamberlain upper lip component.

For months, it has been rumored that Joba will not be re-signed after this season, and even that the team is edging him to the Swisher door.  This spring, when Joba suggested he still could be a starting pitcher, the Yankee brass openly mocked his statements.

Now this.

We at IT IS HIGH have long opposed the Yankee Policy of Bare Faces. We have been looking for a champion, for a leader, who can Salvador Dali the Yankees into the New Age.

Today, we believe the Yankee facial hair ban is hanging by a follicle. Joba Chamberlain may be the rebel leader we needed. Every hair below his nose calls for Change... long overdue.

We support Joba's mustache. Yes, he sucked yesterday in the eighth. Nevertheless, it wasn't his mustache's fault. Don't blame the mustache for the failure of the frame! Don't blame the beard for a .222. It's time for the Yankees to accept facial diversity. America is on the verge of supporting same-sex marriage - and yet the Yankee facial hair ban remains in effect? We say, down with the beard ban!

If your team is always winning, you can ban anything. But when your team is in fourth, change must come.

LONG LIVE JOBA'S MUSTACHE.
DOWN WITH THE YANKEE HAIR BAN.
LET OUR PEOPLE GROW.

In his press conference yesterday, ARod composed a song by Jewel

PRETTY CRAZY

Lyrics by Alex Rodriguez

I love when all 

These people say 

You can’t do this,
You can’t do that, 

You’re done, 

You’re old...

 And I find it 

A great challenge 

To prove
All you guys wrong 

And everyone wrong.

(Chorus)

 

I’m not going
To further discuss this...

Everything will be good...

Pretty crazy. 

Pretty crazy.

I don’t need
To be introduced
to feel like a part of this team.
I’ll tell you what, 

When I get introduced,
I want to be on the field 

And not look back...

(Chorus)

I’m not going
To further discuss this...

Everything will be good.

 Pretty crazy.

Pretty crazy.

Pretty crazy.

Pretty crazy...

Lyrics from ARod press conference

The bright side: Top 10 positives to come out of the Yankees' opening day

10. ... um ... well ... uhhhhhhh

Sorry, folks. I got nothing.

Opening Day

Pic by Ken Rosenthal, via Deadspin. Normally, I would never repeat something I saw on the frequently hilarious and widely read Deadspin, but in this case: I CALL ON EVERY YANKEE BLOG TO RUN THIS PICTURE EVERY DAY.

Not Bad for Day One

My plan for today worked out pretty well.

I took the subway up to the stadium and entered the bar directly across the street from the outfield entrances, under the subway tracks.

I scheduled my trip to arrive after all the loonies had left for the stadium, and only the hard core drinkers who either didn't like baseball, or couldn't afford tickets, hung out.

Opening day is always festive, and filled with hope and dreams, so I went with shots of Seagram's and drafts of Stella.  I sat on the short corner edge of the rectangular bar, under the TV, so I would not see a game in which Pukilis played, but I could hear Michael Kay telling us how things were going.

As I staggered back to my seat in the 6th, I heard that Nixx was playing third. With that authorization to look at the screen, I saw him make a fine play, and throw a dude out at home, helping Phellps to the best Yankee pitched inning of the game.

I never did find out about Pukilis.  Did he get hurt?  Was he DHing? Was he removed for defensive purposes?

We have such a deep bench, I knew it could be any of the above.

I did have an early roast beef sandwich dripped "au Jus " and onion rings.  I needed to eat hearty because I was trying to give CC some support, which his pitching and teammates failed to do.  I always try to eat things that remind me of our pitcher.

Joba was Joba.  We have a lot to look forward with him.  He showed no after effects of his injuries from the trampoline, or from anything else.  He showed no effects of any kind.

Needless to say, the mood in the bar worsened as the game concluded and fans poured back in.  Assholes in red socks crap were howling.  I poured beer on the back of some guys' Pedroia jersey on my way out.  It was shoulder to shoulder, so no one noticed.

Don"t they know they suck?  I mean red socks fans.  In general.

The Yanks just have to hold the fort a little longer and our re-enforcements will arrive.

We are doing fine.  I like our chances this year.

John's Game One Takeaway Points

1. The Yankee left-handed batting lineup looks far stronger than the team from the right side. So when the club takes the field Wednesday, it should have a better chance to put some runs on the board.

2. The Yankees can't just sit back and wait for their injured stars to return to the team. One thing Major League Baseball does not do is say, "Your team is banged up, so we'll cancel the next few games." It doesn't work that way. The Yankees have to find a way to win until the big hitters return.

3. Unlike other sports, which have the two same teams play again, the Yankee-Redsocks game Wednesday will be entirely different, because the pitchers will be different. The pitchers are the most important players in each game, and come Wednesday, it will be entirely different.


4. The Yankee Power Report. For every home run hit by a Yankee this year, the Yankees will make a contribution to the Hope Foundation. Today, the Yankees hit no home runs, so there is no contribution. On the season, the Yankee total for contributions stands at zero.

5. You always hate to lose on Opening Day, but obviously, the season is very young.

The whole world's watching... the whole world's watching...

Metaphors for today's game between the Yankees and Redsocks

Nose bleed vs. toothache

VCR vs. 8-track

Dodo vs. Passenger Pigeon

Jose Canseco vs. Roger Clemens

Atom vs. Ant Man

Mungo Jerry vs. Vanilla Ice

Carl Paladino vs. Allen West

Liver vs. spinach

Rhode Island vs. Nevada

 

Mets vs. Padres

Goodbye Cruel World, It's Opening Day

The gods place bets with loaded dice,
And all our earthly dreams betray,
But listen to one clown's advice,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

The politicians scrounge for power,
With consequences we shall pay.
But somewhere, it's our finest hour,
Goodbye, cruel world; it's opening day.

Our weary age is full of war,
The daily news brings dark dismay,
So surf the dreams worth living for,
Goodbye, cruel world; it’s opening day.

(Photo by Bern Baby Burn, text by el Duque 2008)

Yankiverse brilliance of the day

No Maas: Bravo!

http://nomaas.org/2013/03/hocking-a-loogy/

On opening day, Post headline puts the Yankees in 1968