TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT

TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT
Tonight's moon phase: WANING CRESCENT

FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

How dare they! Cleveland plunks Youk

“While there is a lower class I am in it; while there is a criminal element I am of it; while there is a pitcher beaning Youkilis, I am not free.”


- Eugene V. Debs -

Yesterday, the Yankiverse faced its first major crisis of the "Good Youk Era:" No sooner did Robbie Cano homer than Kevin Youkilis - our Kevin Youkilis - took a plunking, square in the back lot. 

Immediately, pitcher Carlos Carrasco was ejected from the game. I hope he faces a severe caning. Later, the man apologized. Yeah, right. As if a few well chosen words can restore the smiling head to Lady Liberty?

I. Don't. Think. So.

Today, the Yankiverse must form a protective cone around Youkilis - a human shield comprised of fans and homeless people who can be purchased with wine, a buffer zone of flesh that will guard our thirdbaseman with their lives, if necessary. This psychic force of human nature must accompany the team on road trips and make sure that Youkilis is not targeted by hotel lobby wenches, police speed traps or vending machines that seek to steal his hard-earned coins.

Yes, I know... a few of you out there still don't trust him. He was once a heathen Redsock. He wore their colors. You say, Once a Redsock, always a Redsock. Well, dammit, that's racist. The man renounced. He took up vows as a Yankee. He came to our team, he put on our stripes, and he's hitting .350. He's laying down his own life to protect Cano in the lineup.  

And when Youk is hit by a pitch, we all are hit by that pitch.

Yes, I am the Yankee fan who once brandished a tee-shirt that said, "I BRAKE FOR YOUKILIS BEANINGS." For the rest of my life, I must deal with that shame. But I have put the shirt away. I shalt not wear it anymore. I have put the hatred away. I shalt not wear it anymore.

I shalt not fight against my brother! Carrasco needs a harsh suspension. The Yankiverse is watching, Mr. Selig.

9 comments:

Ben Gurion said...

tell that do your racist pal alfonzo.
props to ump for ejecting pitcher. another idiot, michael kay, didn't get context

Anonymous said...

Is our team stronger with Youk or with ARod? I think we know the answer. YOUK!!!!

Don Drysdale RHP said...

Is it just a mistaken impression, or does Girardi avoid retaliation? We STILL owe the Seattle Mariners several beanballs. Lord, when Felix Hernandez pitches in a National League ballpark during inter-league play, PLEASE let some punk with a 98-mile-an-hour heater plunk "The King" right in the ribs.

BernBabyBern said...

You know, if you're not using that "I BRAKE FOR YOUKILIS BEANINGS" shirt, can I have it? I'll have it made into a throw pillow for my couch.

Personally, I thought last night's game was a double-victory ... we won, AND Youk got beaned.

Sorry, Duque. He's not one of us. He's them.

Anonymous said...

c'mon. He even looks half way human with the beard gone. His goofy stance is even less goofy. I mean, he's trying, for God's sake. Can't we all just get along?

T. S. Eliot said...

Wade Boggs in pinstripes astride a horse. A beardless Youkilis in Yankee greys. The falcon cannot hear the falconer. All is utter chaos. O spirit of Phil Rizzuto, deliver us from barbarism.

Anonymous said...

+1 for plunking Felix

Alphonso said...

I am thrilled. Is he out for a while?

Can I watch this .500 team again?

J. Lam said...

I'm still mad about the time Garza beaned Teix, admitted it and still didn't receive disciplinary action.