Friday, April 30, 2010
The oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico exploded April 20. The following day, murky crude began befowling waters off the coast of Louisiana, destroying habitat and the coastal economy.
That was the last day the Mets lost.
At the time, they were 6-9.
Now, envigorated by the environmental disaster, they are 13-9.
Is Ryan Seacrest not a key component of American Idol? Did Ed McMahon not share in the success of The Tonight Show? Did Cher not need Sonny? Did Tennille not rely on the Capitan? That Washington stage needed John. It should have included all who sacrified to win in 2009.
We were not miffed by the snub. We're used to it. We understand. By excluding us, the Yankees give us cover to print truth and attack evil in ways unconnected to the team. We're the disinfo/psycho warfare wing of the Yankees. We must operate in the shadows. So be it. John symbolizes our service. Front and center. Thuuuuuuuuuh Master.
Seriously, somebody tracked down Ed Whitson.
And who, you ask, is Ed Whitson?
So says the Wall Street Journal, according to a scientific survey.
1. Franchise never fully recovered from its public support of Hitler.
2. Cleveland fans spoiled, having won in 1948.
3. Large Pakinstani contingent misinterpretted survey question.
4. Let's remember, it's the Wall Street Journal, owned by Rupert Murdoch.
5. Protest over induction of ABBA into Rock Hall of Fame.
6. Mean-spirited Toledo voters stacked ballot.
7. Opposing fans still hate Tris Speaker.
8. World tired of waiting for Grady Sizemore to bolt.
9. Team received bad publicity from gang-rape scandals with young nuns.
10. Cleveland fans voted for home team; they wanted to finally win something.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Both had to go to Arizona after blowing the big one.
Think of those angry Republican Party fans. They were World Champs for eight years, then they bring in McCain, who immediately surrenders the White House, plus a 20-seat grand slam in Congress, to somebody whose name rhymes with Osama. Well, don't expect the bleacher creatures to welcome you home.
Not only that, but he lost 10 mph on his fastball, and he's been getting hit hard for the last eight months. He can't get lefties out. Does he have a chance?
This one has me tea-bagged. What is John singing?
South Park Redux? New Haven Register Surrenders Free Speech in Spineless Cave-In to Redsock Radicals
How dare they offend the Redsock Nation.
Whatever happened to freedom of the press?
Wake up, Yankiverse! Next they'll be claiming Andy doesn't belong in the Hall.
(If they do that... war.)
Jean "Lee Harvey" Afterman, Yankee enforcer, gave Barack Obama the kiss of death Monday.
The New York Post says...
Monday, as Obama, a White Sox fan, was getting ready to handle the trophy, Yankee Afterman blurted out, "Do you want to hold it? You might not get another chance."
Obama, who mentioned the White Sox earlier in the ceremony, fired back, "And you wonder why other teams don't root for you."
Who wants to bet FBI SWAT teams aren't banging on her bulletproof-steel door right now? Clearly, Afterman was warning Obama that he will die in office. What else could she have meant?
Because... of course, he will get another chance to touch a Yankee championship trophy -- next April -- unless, that is, Squeaky Afterman has something in mind.
In fact, Obama will get at least two more Yankee trophy opportunities before his term ends --
unless, that is, the Yankee queen of death has something brewing in her poisonous web of madness.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
CC Sabathia, Kick-Ass.
Javier Vazquez, Death at a Funeral.
Nick Johnson, Iron Man II.
Kei Igawa, Precious, Based on the Novel by Saphire
Who are we missing?: The Men Who Stare at Goats
The World Champion Yankees last night toured Camden Yards, visiting struggling members of the Baltimore Orioles, thanking them for their service and urging them never to give up hope for recovery.
"I don't know when I ever felt better about being a Yankee," relief pitcher David Robertson said later, after sharing meatballs to several Orioles who had been down on their luck and who hadn't eaten in weeks. "To see the thankful looks in their eyes when I tossed them those lollypops, well, I'll keep that memory for the rest of my life."
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
This will be the last column I write about the Arizona Diamondbacks in the foreseeable future. For me, they do not exist. They will continue to not exist in my mind as long as the horribly named “Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act” remains law in Arizona. This law has brought echoes of apartheid to the state.
Kennedy/Coke = 31.2 innings, 3.09 ERA
The Pitchers We Obtained:
Logan/Park/Vazquez = 28 innings, 7.39 ERA
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Roger Clemens lived a charmed 40 years, then probably figured a defrocked former trainer would be the lone hotstop for personal grudge-revenge.
Now, the Rocket is learning about the real world...
A steamy sex tape featuring singer songwriter Mindy McCready has been placed on temporary hold while adult studio Vivid Entertainment takes legal steps to prove it has the right to distribute it.
Vivid founder/co-chairman Steven Hirsch said he remains confident the studio has all appropriate legal clearances to distribute the video, "Mindy McCready, Baseball Mistress," in which she talks candidly about the sexual performances of Yankees and Red Sox pitching great Roger Clemens and other celebrities she's been involved with over the years. The video had been scheduled to go on sale April 19th.
I once believed Clemens to be a shoe-in for the Hall, despite the steroid allegations. Now, I'm not so sure.
I don't know if the Yankees lost again, yesterday. I have to assume they did. Only because it is raining, I'm hung over, and the Jets and Mets are soaring in everything they touch...not to mention the disease known as the Red Sox.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
1. Two losses in a row; should A-Rod have stepped on home plate in Oakland?
2. Have Hideki and Abreu forged their scorn into hatred?
3. Joba, O, Joba, doth thy bridge forever creak?
4. Why did they sign Kendry Morales, while we signed Juan Miranda?
5. Did A-Rod curse us by stepping on the rubber in Oakland?
6. "Chants of "Let's go Yankees" were met by boos." In the words of Rodney King, why can't people just get along?
7. Will we ever see a 150-win season?
8. Should A-Rod try to undo his plate-step curse in Oakland?
9. Last year, after celebrity deaths, the Yankees went on winning streaks. Do we need to have beloved celebrities die again?
10. Will we ever win another game?
Friday, April 23, 2010
SUZYN: If you have to go to your bullpen in third inning of the first game of the series, it's going to be a long weekend.
JOHN: And if you're Ray Milland, it's going to be a Lost Weekend.
For two years, the beloved mascot known as "Pops" has roamed the stands of Syracuse's Your-Name-Here Stadium, bringing smiles to children of all ages.
Last night, mean Jon Weber nearly put an end to it.
To anyone content with a mere 11-4 record, root for another team, this is not your website, be gone, and I'll give four reasons why...
Reason No. 1: Loss No. one.
Reason No. 2: Loss No. two.
Reason No. 3: Loss No. three.
Reason No. 4: Yesterday.
Four horrible defeats.
Yes, we're in first. Yes, we have a decent record..
But we lost yesterday. Understand? We lost. We haven't won a game in a long time.
Twenty four hours.
Maybe it's just me. I never feel secure until we're 30 games over .500.
2. While crossing infield after foul ball, touches opposing pitcher.
3. After touching opposing pitcher, never calls.
4. Reveals deep personal secrets during infield chatter.
5. Refuses to buy Girl Scout cookies from teammates' daughters.
6. After hitting single, tries to give backrub to opposing firstbaseman.
7. Instead of rally cap... rally cup.
8. Tapes mirrors to shoes for glimpse up umpire pantlegs.
9. Borrows teammates' bats and leaves them smelling of aftershave.
10. Rejects opposing players' friendship requests on Facebook.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
An open letter to Dallas Braden of the A's regarding interpretation of the unwritten rules of baseball and the alleged misconduct of Alex Rodriguez
Dear Mr. Braden,
Shut the fuck up.
Yet they did it. Dammot. Youk 'n Co. somehow did it!
THE SEASON IS SAVED. DON'T BUCKNER ME, BRO. THE SEASON IS SAVED.
1. Shortstop Eduardo Nunez is really, really fast. He beat out an infield grounder to the shortstop that wasn't much more than an infield grounder to the shortstop. (He also dropped a routine pop fly.)
2. Kei Igawa pitched 3-plus innings. Trouble in every frame. Mammoth home run to left.
3. Jesus had a night off. He spent it waving to young girls in the crowd. (Careful, Jeez, they're 16.)
4. Not the same Scranton team without Shelley D.
5. Whatever Jon Weber had in spring training seems to be gone.
6. Juan Miranda homered. Considering that if Tex gets hurt, we have Nick Johnson, Nick Swisher and Jorge Posada to play first base, shouldn't we think of moving this guy, rather than have him play another year at Scranton?
7. Stool sample analysis should be completed Thursday. Know more then.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
2. A-Rod to be strip-searched for "A-bomb."
3. Fear of being yelled at by Rahm Emanuel.
4. Embarrassment of First Lady asking, "Which one is Johnny Damon?"
5. Condemnation of Sabathia as being "too big to fail."
6. Feds question meaning of "Georgie juiced one."
7. Anton Scalia to show latest dogfight videos.
8. Four-hour lecture on infield fly rule reform.
9. Team falls under Obama socialist spell, plays .500 ball.
10. Republicans mistakenly called "the Party of Mo."
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Yankeetorial: Yesterday, anyone who watched the final inning of Boston's 7-1 loss had to be impressed by the unbridled jubilation of the Fenway crowd...
... Because it was beautiful. They were the Whos, rejoicing in the Whoville Town Square, despite the theft of Christmas. Rather than boo their team, which had lost three to Tampa, they cheered the lone run crossing the plate. They sang. They hugged. They danced in the bleachers. They were home again.
For 80 years, they had come to love the oppression of each certain loss. It became their identity, their security blanket, the psychic thread connecting them to their grandparents. They were "long-suffering Redsock fans," the tribe of Bill Buckner and Jim Lonborg. They could yell anything. They could go anywhere. Nobody ever accused them of juicing, over-spending, or mirroing the Yankees. Most importantly, they were free to hate Yankee fans... without hating themselves.
Thanks to the Curse of the Bambino, they had nothing to lose.
Then came 2004, Ever since, Boston has demanded victory and hated whatever replaced it. They made Manny crazy, then ran him out of town. They turned on Jason Bay. They turned on Dice K and Papelbon. Now comes the tar and feathering of Big Papi. Then J.D. Drew and Youk.
Yes, in their current mindset, it's inevitable that they even sour on Youk.
But Sunday, around 5 p.m., Boston glimpsed the memory of freedom.
Down 7-0, the fans suddenly had shed their shackles of victory. Mike Cameron doubled, moved to third and scored a meaningless run, making the game 7-1. The crowd was in ecstacy.
Never has a fan base been more tired of winning.
Never has a people more needed an open month of October.
This is a city bone tired of competing with the Yankees.
This is a city ready to finish fourth.
We must help our neighbors. When Rudy Giuliani in 2007 described his loyalty to the American League East, this is what he meant. It is time to free the people of Boston from the shackles of Yankee envy.
Yes, Boston... you can go home again. Let us help.
REASONS TO TRADE: He's not hitting. Juan Miranda looking good in Columbus. Give Nick Johnson more time in field. Free up Jorge to be DH. Lessen team dependence on switch-hitters. Give Cano third spot in order. Get somebody good in return. Defense has diminished to only one game-saving play per game. Would cut down on booing in Boston, Baltimore. Milwaukee owner will climb down and out of our butts.
REASONS NOT TO TRADE: Seems like nice guy. Hustles out grounders. Has wife and kids. If starts hitting in May... we would get more!
Next: Should we nuke volcano in Iceland?
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Consecutive games with one hit:
(And during this hitting streak, he's hitting a robust .235!)
However, another one of Big Papi's streaks came to an end yesterday ... His streak of consecutive games with at least two strikeouts ended at : 6!
Don't worry, Papi! You'll get the strikeout streak started again!
A hoity-toity book reviewer comes clean about his hatred for the Yankees... and America.
Not long ago I began reading David Benioff’s “City of Thieves.” The novel had come highly recommended to me by several friends, and as I had already seen Spike Lee’s excellent film “25th Hour,” which is based on Benioff’s first novel, I was really looking forward to reading the book.
But almost immediately the whole exercise was ruined. The narrator, the young boy’s grandson, reveals on Page 2 that after the war, his grandfather came to America and became a “devout” New York Yankees fan. I found this revelation crushing. The idea that someone who had escaped the siege of Leningrad would then voluntarily join the evil empire in the Bronx struck me as repellent. So I set the book aside and donated it to my library. Maybe some Yankees fan would enjoy it. I sure as hell wouldn’t.
Yes, they hate us.
They think it's easy being Yankee fans.
They. Just. Don't. Know.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Yankee fans still simmering over the failure to resign Johnny Damon can rest easier today.
DKNY has become the first permanent fashion sponsor to enterYankee Stadium. It's the "Jackie Robinson of clothing lines" for the new park (a/k/a "the house that vermouth built.")
From now on, Yankee fans, if you're like me, you'll bring an extra $300 to every game. Between innings, you'll want to accessorize!
Stupid Fight: Sarah Palin vs. Nick Swisher
Stupid Fight: Sarah Palin Vs. Kim Jones
Stupid Fight: Nick Swisher vs. Kim Kardashian
From the site:
What's this all about?
FACT: A lot of people on Twitter are stupid. Many of these people follow celebrities and try to send them messages. But which celebrity's fans are most stupid? It's time to find out.
Who made it?
Hello. I'm Tom Scott. I live at tomscott.com, and you can email me or follow me on Twitter. The crowd photo is from Anirud Khoul and is CC-licensed.
What do you mean by 'stupid'?
Stupid Fight can't go out and administer an intelligence test to each person that's sending messages to a celebrity. So instead, it estimates based on several stupid indicators. Are they using twenty exclamation marks in a row? Do they endlessly use the abbreviation 'OMG'? Do they seem incapable of working out where their Shift key is? These indicators have a strong correlation with the message, and its sender, being stupid.
How valid are Stupid Fight's results?
Like the Body Mass Index, it's an excellent indicator but may not work for certain people. It is, for example, blind to irony. It may have issues with non-English languages. Its accuracy given one individual Twitter message, or one individual user, is quite low. On average, however, it's not a bad test at all.
Who do you count as a 'fan'?
The last 100 people to send an @reply to the target celebrity.
The bases were loaded with two outs, and the count was full on Toby Weiss Wednesday, after she foul-tipped a swallow of fine-tasting, nutritional Yankee Stadium food.
She had stepped into the bucket, the game was on the line, and God was marching from the dugout, preparing to yank her from the game and then send Weiss permanently to Scranton-Wilkes Barre, saddled with the biggest loss of her career -- her life!
Then, out of the Yankee bleachers strode pinch-hitter John Stone, who took a few practice swings, stepped to the plate and smacked a hard line drive of windpipe-blocking expectorant, scoring the runners and saving the game!
Friday, April 16, 2010
Anonymous comments and the New York Yankees stand at polar-opposite positions in American life in the 21st century. When an athlete puts on the Yankee pinstripes there is an ethic, a history, a standard of excellence. When a commenter hides under alias there is a lowering of standards, a hiding under a false name that gives protection for the commenter to engage in slander, shallowness and cheap-shot name calling that the writer would never do in "real life,” using a real name.
His name: Brent Budowsky. He writes for The Hill in Washington.
Is he challenging Jay-Z for YANKEE FAN OF THE MONTH?
My grandchildren can’t afford your shortstop.
First, clear the bases; then RELOAD them.
In Iraq, I was a hero. Now, I am a Marlin fan?
No federal funds for rally killers.
Throw out reprobate base runners NOW!
Welcome to the American League: Now hit in English.
Carl Crawford, give back the bases you stole!
Thank you, Fox News, for reporting box scores.
DH: Designated HITLER?
The Constitution doesn’t mention an Infield Fly Rule.
KILL THE BALL!
No, you can’t step on my home plate.
Your switch hitters are not my switch hitters!
Lame-stream Media: Stop calling the Mets contenders.
A-CORN = A-ROD: Where does the money go?
Where is Mariano’s birth certificate?
Liberal umps are destroying our strike zone.
Next time, we’ll bring arms.
I’m pro-Jeter, pro-Yankee, and I’m carrying a ticket. Want to start something?
It’s the pitching, stupid.
Seal the dugouts.
The Mets are what Abner Doubleday tried to prevent.
Canadian health care didn’t cure the Blue Jays.
Stop the Grounders
I’m only 8, and I’m already 6 games out?
Washington Nats-zis Belong in Last Place
Who’s behind the Teleprompter, Yogi Berra?
I Voted for Change, Not for Trading Roy Halladay
Don’t Bunt Away My Childrens’ Future
Don’t Buckner Me Bro
The baselines are base lies!
Hoo’s on First? No, Mao’s on First!
LA manager Mike Scioscia = Hollywood Socialism.
Drill, Pedro, Drill!
When did we stop manufacturing runs?
Third base was the hot corner before global warming.
9-11 is not an acceptable record.
Washington Nationals: Now want to nationalize health care?
Pelosi/Pujols = Limit their power.
Build the fences taller!
The National Anthem is my chin music.
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until Carl Pavano retires.
America, you are throwing to the wrong bag.
Three up, three down, is not a balanced budget.
Outfielders, that crunching sound is the warning track.
Kiss me goodbye!
We cannot hit our way out of debt.
If you’re not outraged, you’re not keeping score!
Next time, read the lineup sheet before you sign it
What part about BOO don’t you understand?
Something is wrong.
Last night, Alex Rodriguez's name was spelled wrong when he came to bat in the first inning. The giant videoboard in center read "Alex Rodgriguez."
BREAKING - BREAKING - BREAKING-
Amid last fall's impending breakup with Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez, Oscar-winning actress Kate Hudson supplemented her bosom with two surgical A-bombs... for A-Rod.
A salute to Yankee great Roger Maris, posted yesterday on Bardball:
The Last Time I Saw Maris
by Joe Pacheco
The last time I saw Maris
His hair was thin and gray,
He'd only hit just one home run
Since last Memorial Day.
The last time I saw Maris
His record still at risk,
In Babe Ruth’s town they’d brought him down
With bogus asterisk.
He smiled through all the muted cheers
That he had heard for years,
The chorus of ingratitude
Still ringing in his ears.
The last time I saw Maris
Was on Old-Timers Day,
Before the steroid sluggers
Came to batter his fame away.
I HEREBY NOMINATE JAY-Z FOR THE FIRST-EVER HONORATION OF IT IS HIGH...
YANKEE FAN OF THE MONTH.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Hurling 'neath a frown,
Dwelling o'er his troubles,
Javy's feeling down.
Cries from the bleachers,
"Take him out! The clown!"
Mad, hurful creatures...
Javy's feeling down.
Balls soaring higher,
Far across the town,
Javy's serving sliders,
Never coming down.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Javy Vazquez is not a bad pitcher; quite frankly I think he's middle of the road. And today he pitched pretty much like a middle of the road pitcher would.
And he got booed for it.
Now everybody from River Ave Blues (a quality Yankees site) to the NY Post's Mike Vaccaro (A Met fan, so he doesn't count) is blasting everybody in attendance at today's game for booing Vazquez after a so-so performance. They'll throw out their obscure stats, point out how while we started on our high school ballclub,they were racking up championships on the math team, and at the end of the day call us fair-weather fans unfit to root for the Yankees.
But Yankees fans value one thing more than anything else: a winning tradition. Just look at the rings that were handed out on Tuesday. If anything Javy Vazquez has tarnished our winning tradition. But Javy doesn't get that,
It's a little disappointing. It's the first game back. I don't think they're forgetting from '04 a little bit. But hopefully I'll get some Ws in this stadium, like I said before, and they forget that. I feel like it's unfair because that was so long ago. But I'm trying, like I said plenty of times, I'm trying to concentrate on this year.But you see, Javy Vazquez picked a pivotal game 7 with a World Series berth and an 86 year stranglehold on our arch rivals on the line. Yankee fans consider the 2004 ALCS to be our very own Watergate, and Javy played the role of Haldeman.
No Yankee fan who has to pay $9 for a 12 ounce bottle of beer in Yankee Stadium is gonna be forgiving on a multimillionaire like Javy who can't produce. And just like the Sox and Phillies worried about the receptions Schiraldi and Mitch Williams would've gotten after their respective meltdowns, we have to realize we have an unforgiving fanbase in the mold of Boston and Philly and realize that Javy can't handle the booing. And all 3 of those guys could cure cancer, but they'd still have C-cell batteries thrown at them in their respective former home ballparks. And if you watched him today, he got worse as the catcalls got louder. He doesn't have the gravel in his gut and the spit in his eye to block out the fans and put it behind him. For his own good, he's gotta go back to some small market that doesn't care what he did in 2004. Cause as long as he's a Yankee, nobody, no matter how hard anybody tries, will quiet the boos.
Nick Johnson, who seemed like a nice man, has revealed a side that we hoped to avoid.
His sashaying up-to-bat song bite: Party in the USA.
Judge the lyrics for yourself and ask: IS THIS A YANKEE?:
I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess, (woah)
am I gonna fit in?
(Question: What the hell is Nick Johnson doing in a cardigan?)
Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
(How crazy is Nick Johnson?)
Everybody seems so famous
My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous,
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
(Anyone who has seen Nick Johnson's tummy does not want to imagine it turning.)