Hector Noesi... big season in Mexico
Brian Cashman... slept on concrete for homeless kids
Robbie Cano... beat up on Chinese pitchers
Curtis Granderson... got screwed out of MVP votes
Brett Gardner... vowed to work hard in off-season
Arod... hosted party with lady gymnasts
Eduardo Nunez... impressed Braves
Who are we missing?
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Hector Noesi... big season in Mexico
From Bud Poliquin's column today on Jim Boeheim's news conference last night:
He was talking about sexual molestation accusations by Bobby Davis against Bernie Fine:
Once so convinced of the innocence of his banished pal, the seemingly heinous Fine, that he’d pledged conditional loyalty until his death . . . once so certain that Davis had financial gain rather than tardy justice on his mind that he’d talked of the original accuser’s "bunch of a thousand lies" . . . once so sure of the unassailable nature of Syracuse basketball that he’d boldly invited rival recruiters to use the sexual-abuse allegations against his program, Boeheim had toned himself down.
By mandate from his superiors or by choice after some prudent self-examination, it didn’t matter. The Hall of Fame coach, usually so willing to joust with his inquisitors, had loosened the grip on his lance. And on Tuesday evening, in his first official public appearance since that statement of regret had been issued in his name on Sunday, Boeheim -- aware that much of the basketball nation was watching -- was very nearly engaging.
Still, defiance dies a slow death in stubborn men. And so it is with Boeheim, who was willing to yield little ground on Tuesday’s warm November night.
I remember Doug Drabek as a rookie. He was just like his kid. One day, Doc Halladay. Next day, Doc Ellis. But the Pirates saw something. They traded us the washed up tub of lard, Rhoden, for Drabek and prospects. The rest is history. We sucked for an entire decade.
Well, rumors are that we’re interested in Kyle Drabek. That’s according to a Toronto Gammonite. I figure he's just taunting us – reminding us of what we once did, and what the Blue Jays won't do. In fact, River Ave says no way Toronto would ever trade a 24-year-old prospect to the Yankees. No way.
They’re probably right. But dammit, I would love to get Kyle Drabek. And so would Cashman. We would be the bandits, rather than the hold-up victims. And Cash loves former big prospects. He snagged Wilson Betemit a year too early, but dished him off for Nick Swisher right on time. Remember Greg Golson? First rounder in 2004. Find the guys who wear out their welcome in their first team. In Drabek's case, it won't be just shrewd trading. It'll be karma.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Even though Bristol, Connecticut, should be a halfway point between the Yankees and Redsocks, the ESPN group is merely a flag planted in the ground for the Fenway flock. Look in the booth: There's Nomar Garciaparra, Orel Hershieser, Joe Morgan, Curt Schilling...
Yankee haters, all.
We have - what? - Aaron Boone and Orestes Destrade: cannon fodder against the relentless torrent of anti-Yankee propaganda.
ESPN does for the Redsocks what Fox News does for the Republican Party -- it gives high-profile employment to the bozos who think they should be running the whole shebang.
Bobby Valentine is Newt Gingrich.
Nomar is Sarah Palin.
I'm almost ready to start rooting for Bernie Fine.
But something must be going on. Listen: Somewhere, something. Must be. Going on!
What about Mariano? He's preparing for throat surgery. Is he trying to sing with those raspy pipes? Is using hand signals at the dinner table to motion for salt and pepper? Is he sucking on Hall's Mentholyptis cough drops? Is he drinking lemon juice? Why isn't anyone investigating this?
And Robbie. He's back from China, right? I bet he's got stories to tell about the wall, or the trains, or the ladies. (He didn't travel with Melky, did he? Good God, they're probably still over there, pillaging some fishing village.) Did he buy anything? What if he brought back some of those Asian bark beetles? The Adirondack forests could be in jeopardy? Why isn't anyone probing this?
And Arod? We know from the T-and-A websites that he's hosting parties with workout stallions who do cartwheels just to show off their gams. We know his ex, Cameron Diaz, is making the rounds of late night TV to show her gams, which look like polished steel gams. And we know he's mastered the science of stealth. How about a feature on Arod's winter?
Instead, we're told nothing is happening. Don't believe it.
Something is always happening. It's just not happening to us.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Bernie Fine, Bernie Fine,
Seriously. He and his soap opera-hot actress wife have just toured Afghanistan, visiting the troops. They could have been lounging on a beach, or watching Harry Potter sing on the Macy's Parade, like you and me.
In 2005 and 2006, I went to Iraq. Two months there total. I wore my Yankee cap, despite the teams' collapses. You can't imagine how hungry those guys were to talk baseball. Even Redsock fans. (Actually, come to think of it, especially Redsock fans.) I bet Swish returns completely energized. Another decent season, and he might be crossing into Lou Piniella/Paul O'Neill territory, as a great late career Yankee.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Pepper Spray has career week in news, but history would suggest its third appearance should be in pinstripes
Last week, Pepper Spray - the seldom feted, vegetable-based people-parter - enjoyed the equivalent of Mark Whitten's 4-home run game in 1993.
After years of being overlooked, it grabbed headlines of two major news events: the UC-Davis hippie-whacking, Pepper-Spraying Paul Blart, and the maniac Walmart Pepper-Spraying shopper witch.
Pepper Spray could go 10 years without mention in a major news story -- that's what happened to Whitten -- unless it takes a page from Whitten's book and... joins the New York Yankees!
OK, think with me now, because this gets complicated: Everybody knows bad news happens in threes. So Pepper Spray needs closure. It needs a third appearance. And that's how Whitten finally made his final peppery headlines, as a member of the Yankees 1997 also-rans.
So... how can Pepper Spray nail its third big news story? As a Yankee, of course.
OK, still with me, right? (I knew I could count on you. I mean, seriously, here we are, comparing Pepper Spray to Mark Whitten, and thank God nobody but sicko Yankee fans read this blog, otherwise, we'd all be put away.) So, here are the Yankee news stories that Pepper Spray needs to pursue.
1. Joba Chamberlain accidentally pepper sprayed during gnat attack.
2. Yankee Ground crew pepper sprays infield to ward off bad hops.
3. Jeter dives to avoid police pepper spray. (Off camera)
4. Anonymous pepper-sprayed fan disrobes in order to breathe.
Somebody stop this. Now. OK, that's it. Done.
How could you let me go this far? Have you no shame?
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Recently, the Yankees received a flap of good butterfly news: Eric "China Doll" Chavez enjoyed his 2011 Yankee romance so much that he's decided to return to the prom next year. When not in a cast, Chavez can play 3B and hit. Hell, we can always use one of them.
But here's the wind funnel: If Eric returns, we almost have to trade Eduardo Nunez or Brandon Laird.
Nunez had a great 2012. A sullen and irresponsible part of me still believes we would have beaten the Tigers with Nuni at 3B, instead of Aurelio Rodriguez (formerly Mr. Cameron Diaz.) Trouble is, Nuni can't field middle infield any better than Roseanne Barr, which means no defensive breathers for Jeet, which is why they had him playing OF last September.
And then comes Laird. He won the Minor League Gold Glove this year at 3B, and based on September, it wasn't a fluke. He is surely the best fielding 3B in our system. He hits for power, which makes him the second coming of Mike Lowell - (whom we pissed away for a pile of Ed Yarnells.) It won't do Laird any good to play 2012 on the Traveling Wilkes Barres. The dairy princesses of Batavia will eat him alive.
So... what do we do? Trade somebody, of course.
My guess: Neither Nuni nor Laird will bring us much on their own, so Cashman has to include them in a package of players. The bigger his target, the larger the package.
It's amazing, but if Butterfly Chavez comes back, he could set into motion a blockbuster trade.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Yeah, I know he's pushing 28, he can't throw strikes, and he takes up two seats on the bus... but it was fun thinking about a 6'10" pitcher who might someday hook-up with a Susan Sarandon healer from "Bull Durham" and be unhittable, in a Randy-Choate-against-lefthanders sort of way.
Hey, ya never know...
This year, we know exactly what Freddy Garcia's magic fingers can do while "on the mound!" Nevertheless, just pondering Bartolo Colon shirtless is enough to end my fixation with this metaphor.
We need some more of that cheap Colon.
Still, let's celebrate Obesity Friday knowing that Freddy likes us, he really likes us! - in the Sally Fieldian sense of expression. Because the guy could have wrangled a two-year deal out of some poor team - maybe even us.
Same with CC Sabathia. He could have held us for ransom, but he didn't. He likes us, he really likes us.
For all the rude cab drivers and things that stick to your shoe from life in NYC - screw you, Mr. and Mrs. Lee - players who come to the Yankees want to stay, and others want to return. We have a harmonic system that - unlike the Redsocks and Mets, with high negativity - keeps players wanting to come back.
Who do we thank? Cashman? Nope. He has nothing to do with it. Giardi? Getting warmer. Jeter? Hotter. The big money stars? Bingo.
Let's give them credit.
Arod, Jeet, Mariano, Tex, Robbie, CC, AJ - there's hasn't been a Josh Beckett in the bunch. (Say what you will about AJ and Arod, folks, nobody accuses them of slacking off.) And this winter, that should be the defining sense of whether we chase Mr. Darvish or Mr. Wilson - or somebody else who is about to vault into that $14-$20 million tier: What are they like up close?
Freddy likes us. He came back. Paging Mr. Colon... your locker is ready.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
2. John Lackey
3. One of our comrades shot Gaddafi
5. As far as we know, Justin Bieber has not procreated
7. We resigned CC without keeping him until age 45
8. Tim Wakefield wants to pitch another year
10. Next year, we'll win it all!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Frankly, the problem with America is asshole billionaires who want to run the country rather than baseball clubs, which is what the Founding Fathers originally wanted them to do. (George Steinbrenner, after being caught funneling slush to Dick Nixon, finally got that one right.)
The MLB owners have passed a new labor agreement full of fine print designed to tax the beetle juice out of any team that spends hard to win, and comforts those poormouthing owners who salary-dump homegrown stars rather than pay them - in their brief window of career earnings - what they're worth. How will they do this? By levying luxury taxes.
How much do you want to bet that every fricking rat-owner in the MLB cartell is pumping money into the GOP like pressurized acid into underground shale deposits... simply to avoid higher taxes in the next administration? But when it comes to their own little backyard, suddenly, capitalism is a bad thing. In the back corridors of baseball, they lock arms together and face the pepper spray - fighting The Power.
Go ahead, everybody: Cry for the poor, poverty-stricken Kansas City Royals - owned by the head of Walmart, the world's biggest corporation. Squeeze out some tears for sad old Pittsburgh - home to the Mellon family's right wing, gold-crapping, gazillionaire fatties - because they can't put together two thin dimes to pay their players. It's all crap. You'll never see that animated shitpile, Grover Norquist, demanding that MLB owners hold the line on taxes.
So they're stuffing it to the Yankees. Oh, well, we'll just have to do what billionaires always do - cheat, legally. Laws don't matter, if you're willing to spend money. Just pay a lawyer to opine, and it goes to court.
The only question is whether the Steinbrothers want to win as much as their dad did - or for that matter, as much as those crazy, oil-brained Texans seem to want it. Because you know how radical those Marxists are in Texas -- especially now that they're part of the Fox Network.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Obviously, the MVP.
Well, here's the catch: He's a Yankee. Hence, the chorus...
Mic check. "MIC CHECK." Everybody knows... "EVERYBODY KNOWS!" The Yankees win... "THE YANKEES WIN..." Too many awards. "DO MAN WARS."
Nope. He cannot be MVP. No way. Elect the pitcher. Whatever it takes.
Listen: Justin Verlander had a great year. Cy Young? Hands down. MVP? Get real. It's just a political campaign that starts in August. Verlander was not Sandy Koufax. He was not Roger Clemens. He was not Ron Guidry.
OK, I know what you're thinking: Dammit, cut your losses. If not Verlander, the award could have gone to Jacoby Ellsbury.
Sure, Ellsbury had a great year. But without him, the Redsocks would still have finished third.
This is the second year Robbie Cano has been Yankee MVP, so critical that you can't see the team in the playoffs without him, regardless of payroll. Grandy Man? He slid. Bautista? Just a pile of numbers.
Consider this: Cano's hitting lines come from 2B - not the outfield. And he played Gold Glove second base.
Not only that, but he batted fifth. What if, instead of protecting Arod and Tex, he was protected by them? You could add 15-20 RBIs and a few more HRs and hits -- his numbers could have beaten Josh Hamilton, Bautista, anybody.
Mic check. "MIC CHECK." Everybody knows... "EVERYBODY KNOWS!" The Yankees win... "THE YANKEES WIN..." Too many awards. "DO MAN WARS."
Cano is a great player, pure and simple. He is better than Pedroia. He is better than Sandberg. He is on a keel with Joe Morgan (whom I consider to be the greatest 2B ever.)
Monday, November 21, 2011
they just had to sit there and take it.
This is what democracy looks like.
We will start with the Stick Sixteen, four heats of prime masculine, Grade A, New York cut Yankiness. The winning stallion from each heat will advance to the Feral Four, where they will then face off for the title of SEXIEST YANKEE ALIVE.
We must decide the Stick Sixteen, the ultra-elite Yankees who can-have-any-woman-except-Drew Barrymore (who remains tainted from that pro-Boston Fever Pitch Jimmy Fallon flick). Remember, he needn't be a current Yankee. But he must be alive.
I have taken the liberty of drawing up a list of prospective Pinstripe Chippendales. Your gramma would swim an electrified moat for one night on the cold ground with these Ruthian Rub-and-Tuggers.
Feel free to add nominations. (And if they don't appear immediately, don't worry, I'll get them up. Somehow, blogger is demaning comment verifications. I'm trying to disable it, so we can get more hot financial offers from Middle Eastern businessmen.)
THE A LIST
Well, scouts of Yankee beefcake... who else?
Sunday, November 20, 2011
November 13, 2011
November 14, 2011 Monday
What's fair in this great society? I recently read that the Yankees signed their best pitcher to a five-year deal worth a guaranteed $122 million ("Yankees sign Sabathia to new deal," Nov. 1). Did anyone else cringe on hearing about that? To put it in perspective, the 2011 budget for the City of Trenton (our state capital) is less than twice that. We should all be so lucky, or talented, or something, right?
Saturday, November 19, 2011
November 19, 2011 Saturday
2. Chance for winning team to wear caps that say "2012 Wild Card Champs."
3. Induce broadcast rights bidding war between entities such as The Travel Channel and Home Shopping Network.
4. Introduce America to the Toronto Blue Jays.
5. Make it impossible for Redsocks, Mets and Braves to ever collapse again.
6. Keep fans from switching to football during that tortuous Thursday night void before post-season.
7. New op for midling TV sitcom stars to sing national anthem.
8. It's the place where Wild Card Game legends will be born.
9. Trial balloon for planned eight-team Wild Card, double-elimination round.
10. Why not? Both Wild Card teams will still have better records than the AL Central champ.
Javier Vazquez is "50-50" as to whether he will come back and possibly destroy another team's 70-year legacy
As long as it's their tradition, and not ours...
Just don't bring him in with the bases loaded and Johnny Damon at bat.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Cashman illuminates plight of homeless children, trying to distract attention from Yankees lack of fifth solid starter
Brian Cashman is up to his old tricks. Last night, he occupied Time Square in a charity event to raise awareness about homeless kids, when he should have been working to shore up the frightening portal to hell in the back end of the Yankee rotation.
Thank God that, while Cash was saving the world, the Redsocks didn't sign Yu Darvish and CJ Wilson. Here's a fake shot of Cash supposedly sleeping on his cardboard box - the new flatscreen probably came in it - dreaming of the 60 virgins he'll defrock in paradise - (wait, might have the wrong faith there) - because he's now an official do-gooder, at least in the warped brainstems of the electrified puss piles who publish tabloids.
Listen: Never turn your back on the scheming Redsocks, even to do humanitarian stuff. They're worse than the Martians. And nobody trusts Martians.
Remember, folks, you heard it here first:
Boston will soon slip down the chimney and steal Jose Reyes, they'll sign him and start their frat parties, and we better have a plan in place to land some pitching.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Will hatred ever end?
The Yankees have relocated their front-office operations from the stadium on Montage Mountain Road to a nearby office building at 50 Glenmaura National Blvd. in advance of the construction project. The move was completed last week.
Congrats to all.
Yankeetorial: When Hal Steinbrenner says we only need "fine tuning," does he mean he's turning cheap?
Maybe Hal was just posturing, speaking crapola to hide his real plans. Baseball poohbahs do that all the time. They boldface lie. We fans are stuck at the other end of the sewerage pipeline, wading through their bullshit, trying to decide if they are actually the genetic clods that they play on TV.
But it's possible Hal believes what he said - because of another genetic trait of the Steinbrenner family: Hubris.
Hubris is what Herman Cain thought of those sexual harassment complaints. They just needed fine-tuning. Hubris is how the Greeks originally reacted to their budget debt. Just a tweak here and there, and everything would be fine. Hubris allowed Boston to bring chicken and beer into the clubhouse. Not a problem.
Fine-tune? That's great, if everybody else stands pat. But Texas and California are revving up to chase Yu Darvish, CJ Wilson and everything from Cuba that cannot be smoked. Boston and Toronto are planning major overhauls. Even Tampa is going full hog. We're fine-tuning?
Yeah, 2011 was a decent year. We pulled players off the salvage yard and won the league. But we Redsocked in the playoffs, and the ship is creaking loudly. Mark Teixeira keeps turning into a Giambino. We still have no third, fourth or fifth starter. We wasted maybe the last great years from Mariano and Jeet. Arod could become a mediocre 3B. It's not hard to look at the 2012 lineup and wonder, aside from Robbie, who is sure to hit?
Fine-tune? Screw that. We need to be spenders. We need a Wilson, a Darvish, a somebody. And we need to face the truth.
We were damn lucky last year.
Next year, maybe not so.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Yankeetorial: If Justin Verlander wins the MVP, it will be because of the Yankee rule: Pitchers are not eligible, unless the alternative is to elect a Yankee
Remember 1978, when Ron Guidry was the most valuable player in the American League and - for that matter - all of baseball? That year, Gator went 25-3.
May I repeat that, for the visually impaired? Twenty five wins and three losses. His ERA was 1.79, and he threw 9 shutouts. Several came after Yankee losses, and Guidry absolutely held the team together through an incredibly dramatic and intense pennant drive.
Naturally, Jim Rice won the MVP that year. The sportswriters said pitchers should not be eligible. They can win the Cy Young. Case closed!
And eight years later, they gave Boston's Roger Clemens the MVP.
Everybody knows the Yankees win way too many MVP awards. Just ask anybody on Fox Sports and ESPN. That's why Josh Hamilton won last year over Robinson Cano, even though Hamilton was hurt for much of the season. The Buck/McCarver axis of Yankee evil started campaigning in August, because Hamilton's story of resurrection through Jesus was so compelling, it was an MVP-worthy tale. Plus, the Yankees always win.
The previous year, when the Yankees won the World Series, the MVP went to Joe Mauer over Derek Jeter, the team captain who hit 18 HR and batted .334, while playing a Gold Glove worthy shortstop. (Jeet missed in 2006 too, when he hit .343.) But by early September, the drumbeat for Mauer was overwhelming: Local boy scorns major market to lead Twins. Plus, the Yankees always win.
This year, Curtis Granderson and Robbie Cano are deserving candidates for MVP. Fogetaboutit. In late August -- when Granderson was emerging as the choice - the campaign started on ESPN and Fox: How refreshing it would be to see Justin Verlander win. Everybody's sick of Yankees winning all the awards.
I'm not saying Verlander isn't a great pitcher who had a great year. I'm just saying I remember Ron Guidry, and I remember Roger Maris - who remains a non-member of the Baseball Hall of Fame. And everybody knows why... because the Yankees always win too many awards. Right?
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
10:30: Continental breakfast. Arrive before Mets contingent pockets everything.
10:45: Sneak into Theo Epstein's room, plant mice, cockroaches, sprigs of poison ivy.
10:50: Hire stripper to visit Seattle GM hotel room and lie naked in bed, in sight of hidden photographer.
11:00: Convene GM meetings. Laugh about Redsock collapse. Present Epstein with ceremonial bucket of KFC. In spirit of good fun, pour contents of ceremonial bucket over Epstein's head.
11:30: Adjourn meeting after being separated from Epstein.
11:31: Begin initiation ceremonies for new Redsock GM Ben Cherrington by offering pink-belly and then forcing to inhale entire bottle of vodka.
Noon: Have drunken Cherrington run naked through hotel lobby.
1 p.m.: Using photos of Seattle GM and stripper, make first offer to trade Francisco Cervelli for King Felix.
2: Drop Cherrington off passed out, pennyless and dressed as lady in roughest section of city.
3:30: Pizzas and kegs arrive in room.
5: Arm wrestling contest with Theo.
7: "Board games" arrive. Play "Candyland," "Chutes and Ladders," and "Scrabble."
9: Using photos of Seattle GM playing "board games," trade Francisco Cervelli and Brandon Laird for King Felix.
10: Lights out. Return calls from Hank and Hal to say nothing happened, just another dull event.
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Master on the Master's HR calls: "It's a cottage industry..."
The ultimate moment:
He was walking across the field in September, and bunch of Redsock pitchers were throwing on the sideline, and somebody - he doesn't know who (I say Lackey) - mouthed two of his calls.
Yes. It's nearly winter, alias Spending Season. Last year, we watched Philadelphia mortgage its antique furniture for Cliff Lee, while Boston shot its moons on Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez, Dan Wheeler, Bobby Jenks -- while we sat in the cellar and stockpiled our gold fillings, like fans of Glen Beck. It's not that we wanted to be rotten cheap bastards. We wanted Andy Pettitte and Lee, but they chose their wives and children instead. The rotten family bastards.
Now, the Rangers and Marlins are lighting human cigars with million dollar checks, chasing every big name free agent in captivity. Boston MUST make a big deal, or its fan base will Occupy Fenway. The Cubs look drunk on Theo Epstein snake oil. Even the Dodgers and Mets are pretending to have money. Meanwhile, we're still down in the dark cellar, counting our coins and congratulating ourselves for Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia.
Listen: It was great to get 'Tolo and Freddy. We should recycle every year - (although Brandon Laird is ready; no reason to send him back to the Traveling Wilkes Barres.) But we have money. It's time to spend it at the mall, not the flea market. And why not roll the dice!
This Cuban outfielder, Yoenus Cespedes, or whatever? Let's get him.
Yu Darvish? Let's get him.
Grady Sizemore? Why not!
Nobody comes with a guarantee. We can sign that stud pitcher from Texas, but if we do, he can only disappoint. Let's gamble. I'm feeling lucky!
In 2009, the Yankees led America out of his economic funk through stimulus spending. We signed CC, AJ and Tex. Say what you will about AJ - we won it all that year. Ever since, we've acted sheepish about all our money, like a billionaire pretending to be a millionaire, in hopes of people feeling sorry for him. Screw it.
We're not going to sign Prince Fielder, Albert Pujols or Jose Reyes. At least three teams in baseball are going to go $100 million in the hole to snag them. They might end up in the American League, as our competitors. (I've said it before: Beware Boston sneaking in and signing Reyes. The fact that they kept Scutero means nothing. They would simply trade him.)
Let's start spending money, dammit. We're the Yankees. We're the marquee team in American sports. Spend some pleed!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
November 6, 2011 Sunday
It was interesting to read in Wayback Machine Oct. 2 that Joe DiMaggio, the greatest centerfielder in the history of baseball sorry about that, Willie, did a song and dance routine with his brother Vince on a vaudeville tour in the 1930s. Having had the pleasure in the late 1940s and early 1950s of seeing the graceful Yankee Clipper roam the outfield and skillfully run the bases, I have no doubt that "DiMag" would have been a smash success on "Dancing With the Stars" though I've never seen the show, had the time element and circumstances provided him with the opportunity.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
The budding Yankee savior will appear unto followers at the Disneyworld of retail commerce, the famed Destiny USA (above) -- formerly known as the famed DestiNY, the famed Carousel Center Mall and the famed "Big Thing We're Building, and We'll Tell You What To Call It When We're Done."
Jesus shall appeareth at the Cooperstown Connection store next Saturday, November 19. Tickets for autographed bats, caps or whatever start at $55. Sheesh, that's less than a mortgage payment! The best part is the advertising, which recognizes that Jesus might be dealt.