Put Gardy in the All-Star Game, or don't bother to watch
Monday, December 17, 2012
Posted by el duque at 8:08 AM
All right. Purge. Get it out of your system. We're making progress. (Especially that she-lizard part.) Just remember one thing, one thing: Pitching, pitching, pitching. There's a free agent out there with a high ceiling (relatively), low expectations and a raging salted pickle in his keister about Boston, and he might take a one-year deal to prove to the Gammonite world he's not done, or that he was never Hideki Irabu.
Why not sign Daisuke Matsuzaka? Because he's a dirty filthy Redsock. (Listen... friend... I don't know how to say this, but that ship frickin sailed.) Because he's a crapola starter? Yeah, OK. And does the name "Ivan Nova" mean anything? Think this: Bullpen, bullpen, bullpen. Get it? Bullpen. Remember Irabu's final MLB incarnation? Bullpen. Remember Jose Contreras? Bullpen. Yeah, if Dice-K flops as a starter... oo-oo, Jumpin' Jehozaphat! I got an idea... Bullpen!
Listen, he'll be only 32. On our team, that's jail bait. In the last two years, yeah, he has been horrible. Never pitched more than 45 innings. But at least he's not a Pedro Feliciano - who pitched his arm out for the Mets, before we signed him. Dice K was hammered so badly last year that he is eligible to be considered Cashman Scrapheap Metal.
They say he wants to pitch in San Diego. Why? Nobody knows. Frankly, I think he just looked at a map of the U.S. and said, I want to go to the place farthest from Boston.
But San Diego is not that place. No sir. The Yankees are.
Why not roll the dice. (Ha. Get it?) Remember: Pitching, pitching, pitching, PITCHING. And frankly, we never have too many desperate former Redsocks. The guy once had talent. He clubbed with Affleck dallied with the Kennedys, dropped the puck for the Bruins. Now, he represents the human embodiment of Boston's failure as an evolutionary species. If he pitches well in NYC, those Redsock fans will be leaping into the harbor. He'd be our greatest in-your-face acquisition since Sparky Lyle. See ya later, Danny Cater.
I say, offer the guy a one-year chunk of golden cleavage. We've got the scootch. What's the downside? If he stinks, he's Capt. Matsuzaka of the Scranton Railriders! If he pitches well, he salvages his career. And he can stick to those Redsock blogs.
Hey, I know what you're thinking: Ivan frickin' Nova? Make it stop! Please, she-lizard, make it stop. We're making progress.