List of acceptable crimes by this year's class of NFL draftees

Last year, the Gentleman Giants drafted a bunch of well-mannered choir boys.. college football team captains, Cub Scouts, teachers' pets and adorably photogenic "Up With People" young Republicans. As a result, the team sucked.

To succeed in the NFL today, you need to field a lineup of violent, hardened criminals, the kind of repeat offenders who would eat you, rather than miss lunch. Considering that Jameis Winston - an alleged rapist - was picked first last night, obviously, some crimes are OK.

List of Crimes That Are Not Tolerated by NFL

1. Spousal or dog abuse
2. Multiple homicide
3. Possession of meth (ruins teeth)
4. Anything that is videotaped

List of Crimes that Are Condoned, if not Appreciated, by NFL

1. Bank robbery (preferably done with fists)
2. Anything that is not captured on videotape
3. Possession of medieval weaponry
4. Beating of anti-war hippies