Saturday, June 13, 2020

Virtual Baseball: Tanaka, LeMahieu Lead Yanks in Thriller Over Red Sox! Fans Respond with Racist Hoax.

The virtual New York Yankees won a thriller in Fenway tonight, with Masahiro Tanaka outpitching Sox ace Eduardo Rodriguez, 3-2.

The Sox jumped out to an early, 2-0 lead on solo homers by J.D. Martinez and Alex Verdugo.  But more solo homers by Miguel Andujar and Gleyber Torres tied the game, and in the top of the ninth, a perfectly placed squeeze bunt by D.J. LeMahieu brought in Brett Gardner from third with what proved to be the winning run.  Zack(h) Britton closed out the Sox in the ninth to preserve the win.

The Yanks' victory was briefly marred after the game, when Tanaka's translator mysteriously went missing, and someone in the Boston front office provided a substitute translator identified as "Isoroku Bulger," from South Boston.

According to Bulger's translation, Tanaka answered questions about his amazing physical endurance by saying that it was all thanks to his fanatical dedication to "the Greater East-Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere" and the "samurai spirit of the magnificent, all-conquering Imperial Army of Japan, which will rise again!"

In fact, it was later determined that Tanaka had actually said, "My breaking pitch was really working today," and "I was able to put most of my pitches where I really wanted them."

As calls began to flood in complaining about the false translation, Mr. Bulger bolted out of the locker room and the ballpark.  The Yankees filed a formal complaint with the commissioner's office, although the only official response from Boston management read in part:

"Yah, fished-in you wicked sizers!  Who's lookin' stupid now, huh?"  It was signed by one "Amanda Hugankiss."

For the record, Tanaka issued a statement afterwards saying that he was fanatically dedicated only to his favorite idol group, Moimoro Z, seen here performing their tribute to him, "My Fine Fellow":

Momoiro Clover Z appear at Yankee Stadium to watch Tanaka Masahiro ...

Tanaka also remarked that everyone in Boston needed to grow the hell up.


Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Great win! Really amazing how well Tanaka keeps up even, so it seems, without the goop.

I was wondering, another squeeze play, another mandatory 10.000 dollar fine for playing small ball. Who pays these fines?
I mean Hal most certainly not. So is it the players who perform this sickening play (it s a long ball show, everybody even in virtual Holland knows that) or is it defined somewhere in the virtual bargaining agreement.
It puzzles me.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Good question, my Dutch friend—and I should have mentioned the fine in my game report.

Actually, it is the City of New York that pays the fine, according to an obscure clause of the contract the Yankees signed in building their new stadium. All league fines must be paid by the city.

In exchange, the Yankees agreed not to destroy any more public parks in the Bronx for at least ten years. What a deal!

HoraceClarke66 said...

And everyone: please check out that incredible performance by Momoir Clover Z. It really IS their tribute to our fine fellow.

JM said...

Does Godzilla Matsui have any videos of that girl group?

You know what I mean.

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