Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Virtual Off-Day: Astros, Red Sox Cry Foul! Claim Goop is Juice! Clint is Back.

While the Yankees were resting on their laurels following their hard-fought series win over TB, two of their fiercest rivals decided to throw a monkey wrench into the team's revival.

In a formal appeal to Commissioner Rob Mansplain, the Boston Red Sox and the Houston Astros both claimed that "Goop" the seemingly miraculous substance produced by Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop Lab, was in fact an illegal, banned steroid.  The BoSox and the HoStros both demanded that any and all Yankees players who used the substance be suspended, pending the completion of a thorough investigation into the notorious substance.

"Look, I don't want to jump to conclusions, but the Yankees are clearly guilty of violating the most sacred tenets of baseball here," Boston's Chief Baseball Officer, Chaim Leopold Bloom said in his appeal to Commissioner Manfredmann.  "Is this against the rules?  I say, yes, I said yes, it is, yes, you know it is, yes!"

"Look, this is really cheating.  Not the sort of penny ante cheating we were doing," Houston owner Jim Crane told the press.  Asked if his statement meant that the Astros had indeed cheated, Crane denied that he had ever said anything like that.

"All I know is that with this Goop stuff around, we're facing anarchy!  Complete anarchy!" Crane reiterated.  "The Yankees oughta be investigated and found guilty, and if they are found guilty, every player involved ought to be banned for life, along with their manager."

Infuriated by the charges, Yankees owner Hal Steinbrenner shot back:

"Hmm.  So, if they are suspended, I wouldn't be obliged to pay any of their salaries, right?  Just wondering."

Meanwhile, yet another Yankees Goopster wandered back onto the farm.  Clint Frazier, "The Red Menace," stepped down off the No. 4 train today and into the Yankees' locker room, as if he had never been away.  He seemed to be completely recovered from his previous head injuries and full-body sprains, and while working out in the field actually managed to catch balls easily, without causing terrible injury to himself.

Asked after the workout if he could remember his cats' names, Frazier had a faraway look in his eye.

"That's right:  I had cats, didn't I?  I wonder what happened to them?  Well, that all seems so long ago now.  You know that I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now."

Manager Ma Boone immediately ordered Frazier to go for another concussion examination.



ranger_lp said...

Virtual Yanks are Gooping and Whooping it up...

TheWinWarblist said...

I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now.

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