Gene "Stick" Michael walks into the Yankees' front office—only to find George Steinbrenner and Clyde King waiting for him. He tries to stifle a groan. Fails.
GEORGE: Stick, after consulting with my baseball people here, I've made a decision: Derek Jeter is not ready to play shortstop in the major leagues. We're sending him down to Columbus.
STICK: Very funny, George. Happy April Fool's Day to you, too.
GEORGE: This is no joke! Clyde here and I have been talking, and—
STICK: Yeah, yeah. Like last April first, when you told me you were leaving your wife for Jennifer Aniston.
GEORGE: Hey, you shoulda seen your face! Fished-in! Like the kids say.
STICK: I thought you were having a psychotic break. C'mon, George, don't fuck with me, I've had a rough day, trying to finalize the roster. Why exactly did you think Kenny Rogers could help us? You know he's not the singer, right?
GEORGE: I'm perfectly serious, Stick! Clyde has convinced me: that young Mr. Jeter is not ready! Down he goes!
STICK: Oh, yeah? So who's going to play short? Andy Fox? Jesus, George, how many games do we have to waste before you realize—
CLYDE: Félix Fermín.
STICK (incredulous): What?
CLYDE: Félix Fermín. He was Seattle's utility man last year—
CLYDE: Well, Félix gives us a lot, Gene. I mean, he was hitting .317 before the strike in '94—
STICK: He's a lifetime .259 hitter, with 4 home runs in almost 900 at-bats.
GEORGE: But don't forget his fielding! Clyde here tells me he's a great glove.
STICK: No he isn't, not especially. He also can't steal bases: 27 in 48 attempts. Last year, he couldn't beat out Joey Cora or Luis Sojo over there.
GEORGE: Well, he showed us a lot in the division series—
STICK: No he didn't. He had one at-bat, and struck out swinging on three pitches. Why do you think the Mariners released him?
CLYDE: Um, actually, they didn't release him, Gene.
STICK: What? What have you done now, George? Did you actually trade someone for that piece of gornisht?
GEORGE: Clyde thinks we oughta give 'em that kid from Panama. Mariano something—
STICK (incredulous again): Mariano Rivera? Now I know this must be an April Fool's joke.
CLYDE: It's no joke, Gene. We got enough pitching. What we need is a veteran, stabilizing influence in the infield—
STICK: Holy shit. Woody Woodward must be laughing his ass off in Seattle. I wonder if the Tino trade was all a set-up for this.
GEORGE: Stick, we're serious! We have to make this deal today—
Stick Michael nods, gets up, goes over to his desk. He pull a Glock out of his top drawer and puts it on the desk top. Steinbrenner and King stare at it, their eyes wide.
GEORGE: Now, just a minute, Stick! Maybe we're being too hasty—
STICK: You're serious, I'm serious. You make this deal, and a bullet goes through both your foreheads. Then, I'm taking the first flight back to Florida. I have an AR-15 there, in a storage locker, and I will use it to shoot every single Steinbrenner family I can run down. What's more, I had a small nuclear device installed under Yankee Stadium. When I trigger it, there will be nothing but a giant, sucking hole left in the middle of the Bronx.
CLYDE: He's bluffing! He doesn't have a nuclear device here! Not one of that magnitude, leastways!
STICK: Try me, Clyde. Just try me. And in case anything happens to me, Bob Watson has the code to it as well.
CLYDE: But don't you see how good this deal is, Gener?
STICK: Shove it, you broken down old Bum. You haven't managed a team in 15 years—
CLYDE: 14!
STICK: —and here you are, wanting to send down the best-looking rookie we've had since Mantle, and trade a pitcher whose potential is unlimited!
GEORGE: I dunno. He seems awful skinny—
STICK: You wanna trade the guy who struck out Fermín on three pitches...for the guy who struck out. Think, George! (Michael releases the safety, aims the Glock at Steinbrenner's forehead). Think or die!
GEORGE: Hey, uh, point that thing at Clyde, willya? Okay, okay, you won your argument! We'll keep Rivera!
STICK: And Jeter is in the starting lineup tomorrow on Opening Day. Right?
CLYDE (sighs): Okay, okay, if you feel that way about it. But I tell ya, you're missing out on a golden opportunity to get Félix Fermín! How often does something like that come about?
GEORGE (musing): Just tell me one thing, fellas: do you really think I wouldn't have a shot with Jennifer Aniston?
*All "great real moments" based on actual events. Dialogue and settings may be invented.
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4 comments:
You're not trying to tell us there's a *pattern* or anything to the Yankees' asinine behavior, are you?
Nose Hair blades need to be razor sharp to achieve slice and dice results
Or I guess, just how close everything can come to going wrong, even with smart people in the front office. With Cashman...
Sometimes fiction is better than truth...lol
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