Dear Mr. Steinbrenner, I hate to say this, but you really need to step up and sign Blake Snell

Hello, Mr. Hal, 

According to the Internet, Blake Snell and his evil manager, Scott Boras, recently rebuffed your 5-year, $150 million contract offer, demanding at least one more year... the bastards.

We both know what this would mean: You'd be paying Snell top dollar at age 37 or beyond, when he'll be a certified "Stinker" by Rotten Tomatoes, another Carl Pavano or Javier Vasquez, or any of the late-life zombies who washed ashore in the Bronx and shat the bed.

I get it. Overpay for Snell, you are pissing away good Bitcoin for a 31-year-old, five-inning starter, who issues too many walks, who is ripe for elbow surgery, and who - between his Cy Young seasons - has been J.A. Happ with a Van Dyke.  

You and me, we can remember when a $30 million pitcher was something to behold - a 6'11" Big Unit or steroidal Rocket Clemens -  a freak of nature who cast fear not only in opposing dugouts, but throughout entire ballparks. Nowadays, $30 mill? That's chump change. That barely buys you a congressman, or gets your name on a thruway rest stop. Elon Musk wouldn't wipe his butt for $30 million, so let's not insult God by offering less.

The thing is, Blake Snell may not be what we want. But he's what we can get. 

With Snell, the Yankees would open spring training next month with six starters, the minimum for any contending team in the Age of Tommy John. 

Sign Blake Snell, and the Yankees have a puncher's chance in '24. He's not Koufax, but that 2.25 ERA last year? It didn't pitch itself.

Let him go, and in the end, you'll end up pissing away $30 million in salary dumps and bad trades, desperately seeking to fill 150 innings. 

Sign Blake Snell, and you'll have done your job as Yankee owner. Whatever happens, you'll have tried. We won't call you cheap. We won't call the Steinbrenners "the Sackler family of baseball." 

Let him go, and just watch: He'll sign with a rival. We'll face him in June, the Subway Series, or early October, if we're still playing. And he'll hate us. You know why? Because you dissed him this winter. They all do. That's the burden of being the Yankees. We no longer generate the love and respect that we once did. But we still bring the resentment.  

Sign Blake Snell - it's only money! - and, at least for another year, you will bestride New York City as a colossus, as King Tit! Sir, the barbarians are at the gate. The Mets are rising, and Stevie Cohen lurks everywhere. If the Yankees lose NYC, it will be a decade, maybe longer, and cost far more than $30 million before you win it back. 

So, summarizing... 

Sign Blake Snell, sign Blake Snell, for your own sake... sign Blake Snell!