The Yankees have had no luck so far prying closer Joakim Soria from Kansas City Royals. So far it's been a very trying and empty winter for Brian Cashman and the Yankees, between the futile pursuit of Cliff Lee, the adamant unavailability of Seattle's "King Felix" Hernandez and Andy Pettitte's annual ongoing "Hamlet" act. There remain gaping holes in the Yankee pitching staff, both in the starting rotation and the set-up relief corps, where people seem to have forgotten how Kerry Wood saved their season last year.
Like Bud Selig, George is getting one. Lifesize. Immortality.
Bronze statue.
Ridiculous.
Don't worry. Bronze statues aren't proliferating wildly. You won't see one of Derek Jeter soon. He'll get a plaque and jersey. Same with Mariano. They'll get cars.
And the soldiers, the ones in Iraq and Afghanistan? Don't expect to see them full-sized in bronze. Nope. That's how it used to be. That's not how it is today.
These days, to get immortalized in bronze, top to toes, you gotta sign checks. Like George, you have to have inherited vast wealth, or like Bud Selig, you have to have been good at selling cars. Like both, you have to have been in the right place at the right time. Forget leading an army or inventing a cure. You have to have employed publicists, broken unions and been on TV a lot to talk about the integrity of the sport you somehow got to embody, without ever throwing a pitch.
The great stripper Gypsy Rose Lee was born 100 years ago on this day. So was her one time boy friend, but not 100 years ago, the fake Jimmie Reese. In those days Gypsy used
a G string, a close cousin to what the Gambino used.
Almost a year to the day, the defending champion Milwaukee Braves and perennial champion New York Yankees met again for the second time in as many years. The National League champions had surprised everyone the previous year after overcoming an early deficit to dominate their American League rivals for the remainder of the Series. For the first time, (in a long time) the Bronx Bombers were not the heavy favorites after losing two of the last three Fall Classics. It was new territory for Casey Stengel's Yankees and they were determined to even it up. Many New York sports writers had already turned on their home team and several quoted predictions of the end of baseball's greatest dynasty.
Yesterday, Brian Cashman told reporters the Yankees will not pursue Rafael Soriano - the best free agent relief ptcher out there -- because he absolutely will not surrender the team's first-round draft pick.
What horseshit! What an insult to fans!
If Cashman were running the NFL's Collapsible Giants, he'd make sense. (Nobody wants to lose the next Matias Kiwanuka!) But an MLB first rounder... gimmie a break? Especially considering our recent history.
Once upon a time, the Yankees had a relief pitcher who was scarier than the Rockets, the Mad Hungarians, the Wild Things and even the black-bearded types named after members of the Beach Boys. His name was Ryne Duren, and -- as you can see -- he looked like a tax accountant whose wife just ran off with the gym teacher.
How about the winner of the millionth page load gets a case of Brian Schlitter's favorite beer, Schlitz.
How about that being his entry song from the bullpen?
When Gm sold it's millionth car, they gave the buyer a paid round trip vacation to Waterbury , Connecticut.
Kraft gave a two week's supply of frosted mini-wheats to the family who bought the one millionth box of pop-tarts.
Get the idea?
If you ( IIH,IIF,IIC) offer an appropriate prize incentive (e.g. 4 tickets on the 50 yard line to the SuperBowl; use of a new Porsche for a year; a one carot diamond ring for your favorite lady; a bottle of Johnny Blue and a date with Reese Witherspoon; a life-time supply of hot dogs from Bill's stand on the beach at Santa Barbara etc.), you will stir up the page loads.
You want to hit a million this weekend?
You have to make it worth somebody's worthwhile. This is America, kid, turn out the marketing truck.
As things stand right now, the marketing of your accomplishments( or near accomplishments ) is worse than OBama's.
Doomsday? This weekend? Denying us our 1 millionth pageload?
Well, that would certainly be a hilarious "prank" played on us by God. Yep. We'd have to slap our knees and chuckle. He got us bigtime! Ooooh, that God. We never saw it coming.
Until now.
Today, thoughtful Americans should cowering beneath their beds over the unmistakable 10 Signs of the Apocalypse.
With the season winding down, baseball's two greatest dynasties are on a collision course for the 2011 Hot Stove League Championship Series:
BOSTON REDSOCKS
VS
PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
The teams have nearly clinched their respective hot stove pennants with brilliant trades and acquisitions.
With only 40 days left, Boston leads the AL race by 35 games over the secondplace Texas Rangers, who lost yesterday by signing Adrian Beltre at his highest market-value since age 24.
In the National League, Philadelphia has a 20-game lead over the upstart Washington Capitals.
Soon, it'll be time for the Ultimate Confrontation:
The arguably greatest starting rotation in baseball history
vs
The arguably greatest team since the '27 Yankees.
Game One:
Cliff Lee (21-0 this winter)
against
Dice K (voted 2011 Hot Stove Comeback Player of the Year)
Game Two:
Roy Oswalt (Led all Hot Stove pitchers with 0.00 ERA)
against
Josh Beckett (Elected to Hot Stove Hall of Fame - 2011)
Game Three:
Roy Halladay (2011 Hot Stove Cy Young Award Winner -- unanimous!)
against
Jon Lester (2011 Hot Stove Roberto Clemente Award for humanitarianism)
Game Four
Cole Hamels (starter, 2011 all-star and futures game)
against
John Lackey (named MVP of Super Bowl XXXXVI)
Game Five (if necessary)
TBA (named to Hot Stove all-star team)
against
Clay Bucholtz (2011 Hot Stove Pulitzer Prize for Feature Writing)
Remember when we all felt the red Sox Nation was nuts because they froze Ted Williams' head, hoping for a miracle?
Well, a few days back, Ted Williams was reclaimed from under a bridge, somewhere in Ohio.
Turns out, he has a voice that is the second coming of Bob Sheppard and
John Sterling combined.
If the Yankees, or the ESPN people, or the YES network ( whoever pulls John's strings ) do not re-sign him for next season, we should throw our hat into the Ted Williams' ring.
How great would that be: Ted Williams announcing the Yankee line-up on every radio broadcast?
In the meantime, I'm heading for Columbus, Ohio with a gallon of " Night Train," seeking a female version of Ted Williams in the event that the string pullers don't sign Suzyn either.
have you heard this rumor?
The Yanks and Andruw Jones
They might have a thing goin'on
We both know that it could be wrong
But we need a rh bat to go long
Cash met every day at the same cafe
Waiting for some deal to appear there
pocketed hands, not making strategical plans
While he dreamed of rappelling buildings in his favorite thong
The Yanks and Andruw Jones
They might have a thing goin'on
We both know that it could be wrong
But we need a rh bat to go long
We gotta be extra careful
That we don't build our hopes up too high
Because Andruw's got talent limitations
and an agent who lies
The Yanks and Andruw Jones
They might have a thing goin'on
We both know that it could be wrong
But we need a rh bat to go long
Well, it's almost time for tampa to be leaving
It hurts so much, it hurts so much inside
Now Andruw may go his way and we may not even mind
Tomorrow we'll meet
The same place, the same time
It's been an off season of neither reason or rhyme
The NYTimes says Bud Selig, the man who saved baseball* according to his courtiers, is not a happy Bud beneath his sheen of spray-painted, acrylic hair.
The Major League Player's Union recently ruled that superagent Scott Boras did not violate regulations when he loaned a boatload of quatlooms to a teenage Dominican, who coincidentally happens to be good at playing baseball. MLB doesn't believe the union's investigation was sound.
Says the pape of rec:
At the heart of the issue is that Selig spent millions of dollars over the past year to try to clean up baseball’s operations in the Dominican Republic, which have been marred by corruption among employees of major league teams, and that young prospects are often encouraged to use performance-enhancing drugs or engage in age or identity fraud. As part of the revamping of baseball’s operations in the Dominican, Selig has put pressure on teams to punish, or dismiss, employees linked to wrongdoing. He feels if agents are also found to be part of the problem, the union should discipline them.
This is truly wonderful bullshit.
Here's Bud Selig, railing at unions, employees, families, kids, agents, etc. -- everybody but MLB -- when he could with a stroke of his pen address the real problem: The signing of Dominican boys at age 16.
We don't sign American youths at age 16. It would be consider exploitative, if not barbaric.
Why does MLB let it happen in Latino countries.
When the age limit is 16, that means the pimps roll in at 12. That means suitcases and paper bags of money start arriving before the testicles have dropped, before the acne has even set in, long before he has a sense of right or wrong, truth or lies, fair and unfair. He's barely in 7th grade. Has he read "100 Years of Soliitude?" (OK, stupid question: Americans at 22 haven't read "100 Years of Solitude," but still, I had you there for a minute, didn't I?)
If Bud Selig wants to change baseball's incredibly corrupt and exploitive plantation system in Latin America, he should accept that it's not the agents, it's not the union, it's not the players, it's not the families... it's the entity itself -- MLB -- which is spurring everybody else to not do the right thing.
The right thing is the simple thing. Take out a piece of paper. Write: "We will not sign anybody under the age of 18. Anywhere." Then sign it.
*Diregarding lowest World Series TV ratings since Lindsay Lohan took up drinking.
The clock will tick away the hours one by one
And then the time will come when all the waiting's done
the time when you return and find me here and run........
If it takes forever I will wait for you
For 17 summers I will wait for you
Till you're back beside me, till I'm holding you
Till I see you sign with that great left arm
Anywhere you wander, anywhere you go
Like the time you spent as a junky Astero
In your heart believe what in my heart I know
That forevermore I wait for you
No need to to feel any strife, we've already won
Carl came along and boy he can run
Still it's a real good bet, the best is yet to come
The best is yet to come, and beantown babes, won't that be fine
Theo's brought us the sun, but you ain't seen it shine
Wait till the warm-up's underway
Wait till Youk and Gonzo have met
Wait till you see that opening day
You ain't seen nothin' yet
The best is yet to come, and babe, won't it be fine
The best is yet to come, the pennant you're mine
The world championship, you're mine
Nice try, Commy War Machine Lie Engine. As if we'll take your advice.
Over New Years, they tried to plant this in our heads, like those computer viruses we sent to Iran to mess up their doomsday project.
I don't even know where to start on this. But if any Yank fans out there fell to weakness -- you imagined the Manny Being Manny of 2004 batting behind ARod -- get thee to a nunnery. Or at least a bar. Soon, Manny will start grubbing for his last contract, his last go-around in the majors. At that point, it's Boston's job to take him in, not ours.
We spent the entire last decade paying off contracts of the stars of yesteryear -- Kevin Brown, Randy Johnson, Gary Sheffield, et al. Not only did they win us nothng, but then they were angry when we showed them the door. Not anymore. Nice try, Pravda.
Members of the self crowned "greatest baseball team ever" are soon to gather to reprise their "We Are The World" video to help NYC victims of Boston born Mike Bloomberg's blizzard boondoogle.
Cashman: I’ve covered this ground a thousand times. I’m done talking about the Andy stuff. People keep asking the same questions five different ways, and nothing has changed. Everybody’s assuming that Andy’s retiring. That’s what we believe will happen.
Hank: Very well. There is no God. Just Sergio Mitre. But will he call?
Cashman: That might come, or it might not. If he changes his mind, he’ll let us know. We’d love to have him.
Hank: Alas, the wind is blowing. Will he call?
Cashman: It’s not like he’s holding us up anyway. It’s not impacting us one way or the other, but it would impact us positively if Andy decided to come back. He told me, ‘Don’t plan your winter around me,’ and we haven’t. We’re focusing on the players who are in play.
Hank: Indeed. Wait! Harken! Forsooth! What was that? The wind? The phone? Could it be?
Look what Colonel Ruppert was able to do. Today, January 3rd, is the 91st
anniversary of that great date. The newspapers reported it later. You can bet
ol' Jake wasn't doing any rappelling in
the off season.
Concerned scientists want to know why 5,000 redwing blackbirds fell from the sky Saturday, just as thousands of fish turned belly-up, in a remote state known to house notorious anti-New Yorker Cliff Lee.
The corpo-owned EPA has ruled out a link between the dead fish and dead birds -- though we can think of one: they're both dead! -- but nobody has yet ruled out a link between the massacred fish and fowl and the home of the infamous Yankee dodger Lee.
The pitcher could not be reached for comment. Actually, we knew Lee would check the listing on his caller ID, see that it's from New York, and refuse to pick up. Therefore, we refused to give him the pleasure of not answering our call.
Still, the story smacks of coverup, and so let's ask some basic questions:
1. Where was Lee Saturday around 3 a.m. when the birds fell?
2. What was he doing, and with whom was he doing it?
3. Can he prove his whereabouts during the event?
4. Does he have a witness who can testify to whereabouts?
5. How much has he paid off the witness to lie on his behalf?
6. What's that smirk on his face supposed to mean?
7. HOW WOULD HE LIKE IT IF SOMEBODY WIPES THAT SMIRK OFF HIS FACE WITH THE BACK OF A HAND?
Five thousand redwing blackbirds... dead. Red wing. Phillies?
Sitting recently at a local pub, my beloved New York Yankees came up in conversation. The bartender was irate over Mariano Rivera's $15 million salary.
His complaint centered on the fact that Mo makes about 60 one-inning appearances a year, which breaks down to about $250,000 an outing.
I told him he was in the wrong line of work. He should have been a closer instead of an opener. Go Yankees.
That December, we traded Kenny Lofton to the Phillies for Felix Rodriguez. (Lofton killed us later.)
On Dec. 20, we signed Carl Pavano. Eight days later, we signed Jaret Wright.
On Jan. 11, we traded Brad Halsey, Dioneer Navarro, Javier Vazquez and an economic stimulus package for Randy "Get Away From Me" Johnson, who had killed us in 1994 and 2001. He flubbed the 2005 playoffs.
What makes the Yankees the favorites in most people's minds is the addition of Johnson and Pavano. You can slant statistics any way you want, but to point to Johnson's 14 losses as a reason that he isn't as good as people say is questionable. Johnson's ERA was second best in all of baseball, he led the Majors in strikeouts and threw more innings than anyone other than Livan Hernandez. Had Johnson been on a team with any offense at all, he probably would have won 25 games and had one of the best seasons in a decade.
As for Pavano and Wright, you can go back and take their career records, but what they did last year was pretty impressive. Pavano's 3.00 ERA was eighth in the Majors, while his 18 wins tied for fourth. Wright's 15-8 record helped the Braves win yet another National League East title, and as a fourth starter, he will be a valuable addition for New York.
"Randy Johnson is one of the premier pitchers of any baseball era. To be able to add a pitcher of his caliber to the top of our rotation further solidifies and strengthens our entire pitching staff."
Warning: This is not a joke. Some pimply, Boston College Delta Chi mascot Soxtard is blogging that the Redsox will dethrone Ruth/Gehrig and Mantle/Maris -- maybe even the 2007 undefeated New England Patriots! -- as the greatest team of all-time.
It must be fun to be 12 years old and blogging for a big corporation, like NESN.
Sports Item: Boston signs top notch sluggers, while New York comes up empty in the free agent pitcher (Cliff Lee) sweepstakes. The American League East Division has already been decided. The upcoming season is still months off, but by July 4 the team will be printing World Series tickets. Fenway sellouts, devoted fans and a lineup of hitters that even New York fans envy, will be a runaway from day one. The "magic number" countdown will begin around Memorial Day. The array of Boston caps and apparel 'round town will be the order of the day.
Enjoy your regular season glory BoSox rooters, because it will be a memory that won't go away. Team Boston, victors of 100-plus wins around the first of October, will mean nothing come the first round of the playoffs. A first round elimination, probably by Texas, will rival the Boston Bruins "choke" last hockey season. All of the Red Sox supporters for months will be thinking, "Wha' happened?"
It's great to be a Yankee fan in New England, watching the inevitable demise of Boston. By the way, it's long overdue for the wrecking ball to scrape the "Green Monster." Take a look at the blue prints for the New Yankee Stadium. Get with the program already.
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