Yankeetorial: It's time for us to lead the world out of this economic darkness

Two years ago, with Earth facing economic foreclosure, the New York Yankees piloted an unprecedented spending splurge, restoring confidence in the American way of life.

Today, the nation again turns its lonely eyes to the team of The Babe, The Mick, The Scooter, The Iron Horse, The Yog, The Giambino, Captain, The Yankee Clipper, The Grandy Man and The Yankees win, Thuuuuugh Yankees win.

Today, we must shop.

But not like Pirates. Not like Mariners. Not like Rockies.

We must shop like Yankees.

We must:

1. Find a compromise deal with Derek Jeter, showing the fractured U.S. political system that negotiations can work, that Americans agree on far more than we disagree.

2. Give the great Mariano Rivera whatever he wants, re-establishing our nation's economic supremacy in the hemisphere.

3. Sign Cliff Lee, telling the world: Write this down, everybody! The Yankees will win the 2011 World Series.

4. Buy a lefty reliever -- a Downs, a Merrill, who cares! -- showing that America cannot be held hostage over a strategic component, such as oil or rare earth.

5. Devalue the price of our tickets, showing that the Yankee recovery will be shared by everybody!

5. Cut overpriced players and family ownership in-laws and hangers on -- you know their names -- who bloat our budget and threaten our future.

6. Resign the legendary radio voices of America... who bring truth to oppressed listeners throughout the world.