(Scene, dark airport, small plane pulls into view. In trenchcoat, Brian Cashman appears from the fog. Looking beautiful, AJ Burnett hugs him. He places a letter of transit into AJ's trembling hands.)AJ: Brian, please. After these last few days of negotiations, I've made up my mind, I want to stay with you.
Cash: Last night, kid, we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re getting on that plane to Pittsburgh, where you belong.
AJ: No, I'll reject it... just like I did LA!
Cash: Now, you’ve got to listen to me! Do you have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, you’d end up in the bullpen. Or rehabbing in Scranton. And they don't even have a stadium! You'd be stuck there the rest of your life. AJ Igawa! Isn’t that true?
AJ: You're just saying that to make me feel better...
Cash: I’m saying it because it’s true! Inside of us, we both know you belong in the National League Central. You'll become part of Pittsburgh, you’ll throw 200 innings, you'll be the Pirate pie-man. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your career.
AJ: No, I'll reject it... just like I did LA!
Cash: Now, you’ve got to listen to me! Do you have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, you’d end up in the bullpen. Or rehabbing in Scranton. And they don't even have a stadium! You'd be stuck there the rest of your life. AJ Igawa! Isn’t that true?
AJ: You're just saying that to make me feel better...
Cash: I’m saying it because it’s true! Inside of us, we both know you belong in the National League Central. You'll become part of Pittsburgh, you’ll throw 200 innings, you'll be the Pirate pie-man. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not on it, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your career.
AJ: But Brian, what about our ring together?
Cash: We’ll always have Phily. Well, I thought we'd always have it, then you got lit up last October. Listen, I’ve got a job to do, and a stalker to shed. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, find a left-handed DH and a backup infielder, you can’t be any part of.
Look, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of seven starting pitchers don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy league. Someday, you’ll understand that. Now, now... here's salary dumping you, kid.
Cash: We’ll always have Phily. Well, I thought we'd always have it, then you got lit up last October. Listen, I’ve got a job to do, and a stalker to shed. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, find a left-handed DH and a backup infielder, you can’t be any part of.
Look, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of seven starting pitchers don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy league. Someday, you’ll understand that. Now, now... here's salary dumping you, kid.
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3 comments:
Stein Bros: You despise us, don't you?
Cash: If I gave you any thought I probably would.
Stein Bros: Forget about paying for one of the quality, proven, left handed hitting, free agents on the market. We can sacrifice rotation security for a non-crucial salary dump and a few no-name utility players. Is that so parasitic?
Cash: I don't mind a parasite, I object to a cut-rate one.
This looks like the start of a beautiful rivalry.
AJ will pitch in the playoffs this year after the Pirates trade him to a contender in July. Pinheada will not pitch in the playoffs this year because he will suck/get hurt and we will finish third.
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