(The late) Osama's tips on hosting your Super Bowl party

1. Spring for a quality TV! (Nothing beats a 16-inch Motorolla; you can move, it if the antenna goes.)

2. Run wiring down the wall. (Neat decorations, plus you won't trip en route to the loo.)

3. Wear your best wool cap. (Covers the bald spot; keeps the ladies interested!)

4. Claim the couch early. (Don't show up in the second quarter expecting a decent seat.)

5. Take charge of the remote. (Dammit, you da man: Control the clicker.)