My confrontation with Buck Showalter in Florida

I decided you should hear this from me before it hits the networks.

Friday, I was involved in a loud, abrasive confrontation - mentally - with Baltimore manager Buck Showalter at the Orioles spring training camp in Sarasota. It started innocently. I was minding my business, taking harmless photographs, when suddenly, Showalter burst boarishly into my field of vision.

Well, I knew what he was trying to do. Push my emotional buttons. Again. Well, this time, Lord Buckington went too far.

"WAIT A MINUTE, I KNOW YOU," I yelled - mentally. "YOU'RE THE RANGERS MANAGER WHO IN 2005 PULLED MIKE YOUNG, MARK TEIXIERA AND HANK BLALOCK - YOUR SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH HITTERS IN THE LINEUP - IN THE FIFTH INNING OF THE LAST GAME OF THE SEASON AGAINST THE ANGELS, THROWING THE GAME SO THE YANKEES - YOUR OWN FORMER TEAM - WOULD LOSE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE IN THE PLAYOFFS! HEY, OLD SKIP, DID THAT MAKE YOU PROUD?"

Amazingly, he pretended not to hear my mental shouts.

"DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed, silently. "YOU BLEW THE 1995 PLAYOFFS BY OVERPITCHING WETTELAND AND CONE, AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH TO PITCH AROUND GRIFFEY. MY DOG COULD SEE THE IDIOCY IN PITCHING TO GRIFFEY, A PERSON LYING IN A COMA IN A HOSPITAL BED WOULD KNOW BETTER, BUT YOU PITCHED TO HIM! THANK YOU, MANAGER OF THE YEAR! YOU REALLY NAVIGATED THAT ONE!"

Well, he just kept walking. I think he was trying to goad me into saying more things, mentally. 

"DON'T ACT LIKE YOU CAN'T HEAR ME," I shouted, in my mind. "DID IT FEEL GOOD IN 2001, WHEN THE DIAMONDBACKS WON THE SERIES AND CELEBRATED BY PLAYING 'NEW YORK, NEW YORK.' ON THE STADIUM P.A.? DID THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY? THE YANKEES CARRIED NEW YORK CITY ON THEIR BACKS,THEY LIFTED THE WHOLE COUNTRY FROM THE TRAUMA OF A TERROR ATTACK, WITH TWO OF THE GREATEST NINTH INNING COMEBACKS IN WORLD SERIES HISTORY, AND YOU GUYS WON ON A CHEAP HUMPBACK LINER, AND THEN THEY YOU PLAY 'NEW YORK NEW YORK' ON THE P.A. LOUDSPEAKER, HEY, DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI, DID THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD, MR. GANDHI?'

By now, security guards, pretending not to hear, whisked him away.

"RUN!" I shouted, mentally. "FLY AWAY, LITTLE BIRDIE. FLY AWAY! RIDE ON YOUR LITTLE MOTORIZED, AARP, PAID-FOR-BY MEDICARE SCOOTERCRAFT. GO TAKE YOUR NAP. BUT I'M WATCHING YOU. AND DON'T YOU BE THINKING THAT NICK JOHNSON'S GONNA HIT FOR THE ORIOLES, EITHER. HE'LL GET OFF TO A GOOD START, AND THEN HE'LL HURT HIS WRIST. AND I'LL BE LAUGHING WHEN IT HAPPENS. HEAR ME? I'LL BE LAUGHING WHEN IT HAPPENS!"

He just rode off, as if nothing happened. Amazing.