Friday, November 2, 2018

Hand-Me-Down Hal speaks... and once again says nothing.

Yesterday, Prince Hal Steinbrenner - known around here as "Food Stamps" - rendered unto the world some steaming hot nuggets of nothingness. In case you missed it, the son of the owner spouted off to Joel Sherman of the NY Post on several topics:

1. On losing to the George Soros-occupied Boston Redsocks: "I am frustrated."

2. On the Yankees' recent playoffs. "The starting pitching was not good and the hitting was inconsistent."

3. On 2019, there will be "some changes and additions, there always is."

4. On signing free agents: "These are the questions we are asking."

6. On his unquenchable thirst for success and lifetime commitment to excellence: "It will be no different this year."

Yes, it's clear that Food Stamps graduated from the Derek Jeter School of Locker Room Interviews, which studies the Bartlett's Quotations of Nothingness. 

It's amazing: With the YES Network, the Yankees have built a propaganda machine worthy of any bone-saw-wielding autocrat in the modern world, and right now, they have nothing to say. No message.  Sherman could have asked Hal to rate his favorite Kardashian: "The analytics, the pro scouting, are always talking temperament, personality, motivation..." We get mush. 

Boston is still celebrating, pissing in the streets, chanting anti-Yankee slogans into dawn, and the Yankees owner says he is "pissed off..." yet then offers a verbal equivalent of radio silence.

I'm sure that Sherman - a veteran Gammonite - asked Hal some tough questions. Didn't matter. We heard nothing to suggest that the Yankee House of Saud intends to spend their money this winter. We just got creamed corn from a billionaire who doesn't need to assure its fan base of anything. 

Well, here's what an actual Yankee owner should have said:

"Fuck yeah, I'm going to spend! Jesus H. Montero, for three fucking years we've been castrating ourselves to get under the luxury tax threshold, so we can press the "reset" button and sign these big name free agents. So, yeah, you're goddamm right we're going to spend! Machado, Harper, Kershaw, fuck yeah!

"What do I need? A fourth yacht? Hookers? Hell no. You know how much money I'm worth? Because I don't. It can't be counted! Last time anyone tried, it came out closer to infinity than to absolute zero. I got more money than I have time, and with these daily blood transfusions, I plan to live to 150. Nobody's going to remember me for that fucking Ice Bucket Challenge, or my perfect comb-over. The Yankees are my legacy, we have been disgraced and humiliated, and goddammit, this will not stand, and we will spend whatever it takes - there is no limit! - whatever it takes to fucking win!

"Now, where were we on rating those Kardashians...?"   


10 comments:

13bit said...

Yep. Sigh...

John M said...

Corbin, let's get him. But...oh...:

"That doesn't mean Corbin comes without risk, of course. The southpaw underwent Tommy John surgery in 2014, and before his breakout '18 campaign, he had never before approached the level of dominance he showed last season."

Move Gleyber to short, sign this guy, let Didi go (sadly)--and the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire:

"Lowrie led all second basemen by a wide margin with 4.9 WAR in 2018 according to FanGraphs, and he's situated himself well to get paid accordingly in free agency. MLB Network insider Jon Heyman predicts for FanCred Sports that the switch-hitter will sign a two-year, $22 million contract, which would ink Lowrie the second-most lucrative contract among second basemen this offseason."

Hire the best doctors in the country if necessary, but get Red Thunder back on the field.

That's probably it. But Cashman is known for doing weird, unnecessary, stupid shit, so we wait.

Anonymous said...

CORBIN

HAPP

MORTON

KEUCHEL

GET ANY 3 OF THE 4.

ONCE AGAIN...NO CC.

Bill Groskopf said...

Amen brothers. This was the most disappointing year I can remember. Our brain trust is cool, calm and collected. Our manager is a communications guru. Our players are watching Manny Machado and adopting the Cool Hand Luke style of play. We need someone to act like they give a s***.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Agreed. Corbin is a necessary start—as with every other aspect of the game, when it comes to pitching we are just desperately short of arms—but he's, at best, simply a good no. 3 starter. Which we need! But still.

Go big, or go smart—or go both!—or go home.

Why do I think we are already headed home to Tampa?

HoraceClarke66 said...

Love "Hand-Me-Down Hal" incidentally. It's even better than "Food Stamps."

HoraceClarke66 said...

Loire did have a career year in 2018.

But he still struck out 128 times, will be 35 in April, 2019, and is a lifetime .262 hitter who has also batted .141 with no power in 74 postseason at-bats.

Daniel Murphy is a year younger, a lifetime .299 hitter who rarely strikes out by today's standards, and elevates his game in October: .309, with 8 homers in 113 at-bats.

Plus, Mets fans would be really pissed off. I say Murphy.

Anonymous said...

"HAND ME DOWN" HAL IS GREAT.

ranger_lp said...

You want to turn around the team? Sign Harper. Trade Stanton for Kershaw. Kershaw does better in AL because he doesn't have to hit, except in inter-league games. Less strain on his back. Only 3 years on his contract. Stanton flourishes on NL pitching again. Helps the Dodgers with more HRs. Sign Corbin. Then get one more left-handed hitter. Problem solved.

13bit said...

Kershaw is now off the table. Nobody will take Stanton. They will sit back and laugh at his contract and us. And we really need pitching. Harper will not help us with that.