Did We Buy The Royals Yet?

Since the Yankees went out of the pennant race in June, I have been drinking more and more.

Did you know that Crown Royal shots actually taste better at 10:00am than at 10:00pm?

I use alcohol to stimulate my thinking when it comes to the Yanks.  Rather, I use it to forget everything I'm pretty sure I know.

And in today's stupor, my only hope remains:  we have to buy the Royals.

If this doesn't happen, I will just keep drinking.

It's October in New York and, once again, in terms of sports, we might as well be on Mars

The Jets are a lost Malaysisan airliner. Last Sunday, the Giants played with the nervousness of Sayreville, N.J., incoming freshmen. The Knicks are - well - the Knicks. The Rangers stick their nose above sea level once every 20 years. The Mets are still recovering from Carlos Beltran taking strike three - right down the middle. And the Yankees - once the pride of Gotham - are stricken by the incurable ailment known as Steinbrenner Syndrome.

It's autum in New York, a great time for cryogenic suspension.

But why, why, WHY are NYC sports so rancid? Why does Boston get the Celtics, Patriots, Redsocks and Bruins, while New Yorkers actually ponder Syracuse as a home town college team? Why does San Francisco have the Giants and 49ers, while we have the Giants and the 13s?

Seriously. Anybody out there know? I've spent the better part of the last five minutes mulling this. Here are my guesses.

1. Pro sports owner communism. All pro teams are owned by Ayn Rand capitalists, who run their leagues like Che Guevara. Their goal is always to achieve parity, and the first salvo in that campaign is to crush any NYC-based teams, so they cannot exploit their advantage in market size. If you can't exploit your market advantage - well - then it becomes a disadvantage. If everything is equal, you have a better chance of winning in a small city, where the players have nothing else to do but chase personel records for their bench presses.

2. Obsessed wacko nutjob loonpie fans. NYC has at least 1 million drooling, loopy fans who a) make crappy players and midling prospects think they are Gods or b) scare the living hell out of star athletes. Whenever they talk about Jeter's greatness, they note that he kept his bearings while playing in New York. If he'd gone 20 years in Cleveland, would he simply be Omar Vizquel with better hair?

3. Hot and aggressively horny babes. Once the dairy princesses and prom queens, fresh off the bus from Ashtabula, realize they're not going to be Broadway's next Neil Patrick Harris, they quickly move to Plan B: Bed down some pro athlete and turn his powerful bat into Pad Thai. What really happened to Kevin Maas? (Without whom we would not have a great Yankee site in his honor.)

4. Water supply, air quality, proximity to Indian River nuke plant. Is NYC on a methane vent? Sometimes, it smells that way.

5. Yahweh pissed. NYC is, after all, Gomorrah on the Hudson. Half the Arab world still thinks God orchestrated the 9-11 attacks because Mayor Dinkins went easy on the squeegie guys. The Bible thumpers blame it on Rosie O'Donnell. Maybe God is taking it out on Brian McCann?

6. Best street drugs. Nah. Then why did Miami win in the NBA?

7. Bagels. Could there something in the delicate nutritional make-up of this magnificent New York delicacy, which undermines a highly tuned athlete's peak performance? Sometimes, after my fourth bagel, I do feel a tad gassy.

8. Keith Olbermann. Every NYC pro athlete knows he or she must face the ultimate scrutiny.

9. Owner incompetence. Let's face it: The owners of NYC sports teams are second or third generation pinheads, who make just as much money when their teams lose. I'm wondering if there isn't some inbreeding here? Could old George have had a secret affair with one of the Dolans, spawning Hank? Just asking.

10. Random sequence. We're simply talking about a small sample size (Note: On the River Ave site, this is referred to as "SSS"). If you wait a million years, NYC sports will probably rise. It just won't happen in our lifetimes, or our kids' lifetimes, or our grandkids' lifetimes. Somewhere out there, in the year 2525 - if man is still alive - a scrappy Steinbrennerian seed will find purchase in a fertile Zuckerman egg, and the ghosts of today's Yankee fanbase will enjoy the fruits of today's earthly torment. And I bet their kid will have flippers the size of surfboards.

Enough reason to consider cryonic suspension, eh?

The world breathlessly awaits announcement of the Yankees new hitting coach

During the golden semen avalanche of Bud Selig's epoch as MLB's Owner of All Owners Who Own, there used to be a rule against teams issuing big press releases during the World Series, especially if Kansas City happened to be in it. Bud wanted the whole world watching the games, so the sore loser owners - i.e., George - were expected to squelch competing news bulletins about, say, Tanyon Sturtze's ringworm.

Apparently, the Seligian gag rule is now just a gag. The 2014 World Series is about to be forgotten, because the Yankees are on the verge of announcing... drum roll, please...

THE 2015 YANKEE HITTING COACH.

Speaking on behalf of Planet Earth, I say this:

More cowbell.

Hold on, everyone. Try to stay calm. We're awaiting the envelope. It might be Dave Magadan. It might be Chili Davis. Good grief, maybe Hal will resurrect Babe Ruth back from the dead. (It's now been 10 years since the Yankees slayed the Babe a second time, ending the Curse of the Bambino, and we've been a declining force ever since.) Whoever is annointed 2015 YANKEE HITTING COACH, he - or she - will really make a difference. Right?

Hahahaha. Of course, they will. Hahahauhg. Just keep repeating it, over and over. A new whipping mule! A new organizational scapegoat! The one guy who - unlike the starting nine - can be fired next winter. The batting coach. Hahahaaha.

I can't wait to see how this new key linchpin of the Yankee attack will alter A-Rod's swing. Maybe he'll teach Tex a new stance! And Prado, my goodness, the things he'll do with Prado! It'll be like Mickey, changing Rocky to a lefty, by having him drink eggs and chase chickens across the barnyard. That Prado, he's gonna eat thunder and crap guitar feedback!

What's sad here is that the Yankees didn't change hitting coaches last July. We'd be in the World Series, instead of KC, and the games wouldn't be shown on your cable system's Channel No. 400.

A new hitting coach. You'd think this was the NFL, and the Yankees just hired a new Offensive Coordinator for Tom Coughlin. Next year, will we launch a West Coach attack?

A new hitting coach. This could mean an entirely different set of inspirational slogans being yelled at Brian McCann, as he marches back to the dugout after his 100th strikeout. (Sometime in June.)

A new hitting coach. Whoopie. For the first time, maybe I miss Bud, after all.

He would tell the Yankees to keep quiet. Then again, who can stay quiet with a cowbell in hand?

At last, an ex-Yankee post-season hero: Let us celebrate Travis Ishikawa, the one-night Yankee

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to  YANKEEOGRAPHY...

(Cue the classy music)... Tonight on Yankeeography, we celebrate the career of baseball hero Travis Ishigawa, the "Six-Inning Yankee."

The time is July 8, 2013. The place is New York City, in the back of an expensively seedy hotel bar and hash house near Yankee Stadium.

Brian "American Picker" Cashman has just spent the last 24 hours doing massive amounts of ibogane and laxatives with fellow top Yankee official, the legal begal known as Randy Levine, who still wears his Buzz Lightyear costume, which he donned for a Fourth of July founding fathers costume party.

Cashman is worried. The Yankee team is listing, losing, lifeless. Something has gone wrong with the Murderers Row batting order... Zolio Almonte, Travis Hafner, Vernon Wells, Luiz Cruz, Alberto Gonzalez... the team simply hasn't recovered from Boesch getting hurt.

"We need a firstbaseman who can spell Lyle Overbay," he tells Levine.

"I can do it... I think," Levine says. "It's O-v-e-r-b..."

He stops when Brian slaps him, hard, across the mouth. Levine has been cycling steroids, growth hormone and lead-based paint chips for the last. He's a little hazy. The slap awakens him. It also excites him.

"O-v-e-r-b-e-y!" he shouts.

Before Brian can hit him again, his cellphone trills. It's Brian's special "MLB Waiver Wire Mix and Match Madness" ap. A new names has landed in baseball's recycling bin. The name is Travis Ishigawa. He sounds Japanese.

"KEI IGAWA?" Randy says, fitting himself onto his Yankee logoed bong. "I've heard of him. Sign him!"

"Not Kei Igawa," Brian says. "ISH- Igawa. And he could spell Overbay."

"That's easy. O-v-e-r-"

"Shaddup. I'm involved with important Yankee backroom wheeling and dealing. I should call our chief scout and baseball man"

"Don't wake up Hank," Levine says. "Last I heard, he was on a horse and hookers bender."

"Shaddup. This is big business."

"Sorry, Brian... you know that, really, I... mean well." Randy blurts out a bong hit. "MEANWELL, GET IT?"

Despite his anger, Brian simply must laugh. This mirthful scaliwag, Levine, he knows how to push a fellow's funny bone.

And so the Yankees sign Travis Ishigawa.

That night, Travis appears in the Yankee lineup - batting sixth, after Vernon Wells and before Luis Cruz. Travis goes 0 for 2 with two strikeouts, then is replaced by Lyle Overbay. The Yankees lose to Kansas City, 5-1.

A six-inning outing... Seven pitches. Six strikes.

Next night, he is gone... like Brigadoon... like that Malasian airliner... like Vanilla Ice.

And every July 8, it is said that he reappears in the clouds over New York City to say...

"I'm Travis, not Kei."

TRAVIS ISHIGAWA... NOT KEI... THE SIX-INNING YANKEE.

This week's .... YANKEEOGRAPHY.  (Cue out music. Run credits. Audience applause.)

Note to Brian Cashman:

Just buy the Royals and their farm system.

Sell every current Yankee to anyone who will buy them.  Fire sale.

Otherwise, eat the contracts.

But buy the Royals.  You can win until your contract runs out.

Otherwise.  Misery followed by stupidity.

The Yankees have three upper tier prospects in Baseball America's top league rankings. Unfortunately, they only have two players.

Congratulations to Rob Refsnyder, who is the 13th rated 2014 prospect in the Eastern League, and also the 13th rated 2014 prospect in the International League, according to Baseball America. He is our only prospect to crack the International League top 20.

The Yankees also have the eternal prospect, catcher Gary "I'm Not Jesus" Sanchez, who ranked 11th in the Eastern League.

It's fashionable to say that the Yankee farm system has finally shed the air-sucking misery of its last four years, when it served up Eduardo Nunez, Melky Mesa, Preston Claiborne and Zolio Almonte. And hopefully, Refsnyder in 2015 will become the first meaningful Yankee-born-and-raised position player since Brett Gardner.

Look, I don't want to be negative all the time. But before the Yankees congratulate themselves - (and write the front office bonus checks) - a point should be made:

The Yankee farm system only looks good when compared to past Yankee farm systems.

Don't even think about comparing it to the Redsocks' system.

Boston has four prospects on the International League's Top 20 list, including two that are ranked above Refsnyder. The Redsocks placed six prospects on the Eastern League Top 20. Overall, the Redsocks could have nine highly regarded rookies vying for next season's roster. That, my friends, is a wave. We had better hope for a few duds. And keep your fingers crossed for Refsnyder.

Ex-Yankee Randy Choate could be the next round's Joba

The Yankees October spirit lives!

In the first round, old friend Joba Chamberlain sabotaged Detroit's year.

Last night, it was Randy Choate throwing a ball into right field to kill the Cards.

Next round? I'd keep your eyes on the Royals' Jayson Nix.

Yankees make Letterman's Top 10 List of how New York is improving

Number seven - delivered by Supreme Leader Cuomo: 

"Yankee Stadium now available for your October event."

What's wrong with the Yankees? The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in our masthead.

Relard. That should be a word, as in...

"The Yankee front office, they're a bunch of relards."

"Relarding" would describe the annual churning of professional sports executives, who bounce among teams like hookers on laps in Sons of Anarchy. When somebody jumps, he (yeah, it's generally a him) is quickly replaced by a drinking buddy from the last GM convention. Make your bones in this gated community, and you'll never go hungry.

The Evil Empire is ready to hire Omar Minaya, the former Met front office bivalve, to the brain trust, according to Murdoch's fish wrap of record, The NY Post.  Omar - said to be a chum of Brian Cashman - will soon turn 57 - 10 years older than Cash. Thus, Omar's hiring would mean a) this is his pre-retirement pension drive and b) he is no threat to his boss.

Listen: I have no truck with Omar Minaya. Ten years ago, he helped build the Mets, and he then helped wreck them. Surely, he is a solid "baseball man," as the Gammonites put it. He's supposed to be an "expert" in international scouting, whatever that means. I say, "Oh, hell, why not!" He can't do worse than what he we had!

But when mulling the Yankee brain trust, now and then, maybe we should read the masthead.

Cashman - the Senior Vice President/General Manager - is the 10th name on the list, after the owners (who still list George, which I didn't count), Randy "Seventies Hair" Levine (President, Godfather), Lonn Trost (Chief Operating Officer, General Counsel/Consiglieri), Felix Lopez (Executive Vice President, Chief International Officer/ In-law) and Anthony Bruno (Senior Vice President, Chief Financial Officer/ official money launderer.)

Minaya would land two slots below Cashman, replacing Mark Newman, who is retiring. Newman's job title is a chuck-wagon of words: Senior Vice President of Baseball Operations.

I believe you can chart the downfall of any organization by the number of vice presidents. The more VPs you have, the worse off you'll be.

In the Yankee front office, there are 15 vice presidents: one executive VP, eight senior VPs and six regular, miserable, garden variety VPs.

In the "Senior Administration," the next tier, I count 19 "directors;" six executive directors, three senior directors, and 10 directors. Overall, it's a list of 44 names.

I claim no grand knowledge of what makes a good baseball executive. But here's a thought: A few baseball organizations do stand out for their success. So what do their mastheads look like?

The St. Louis Cardinals' masthead has 33 names. It has two vice presidents. (That's not a misprint: Just TWO!) The GM is sixth name from the top. Most significantly, the ninth slot is comprised of six special assistants - all of them ex-ballplayers. Go through the top 20 names, and you see a bunch of former players.

OK, so much for St. Louis. How about the San Francisco Giants, who are leading them in the NLCS. They've won two rings in recent years. The masthead is more complicated. At the top, it has 30 "associates," because the ownership is an LLC. If one assumes that the associates are the ownership board, and thus don't directly interfere with the front office, then it starts to scale down. The top 11 names - the administration - are mostly ex-ballplayers. There are 50 names under "Baseball Operations," and most you've heard before: They're old players.

The Yankee front office? There's not an ex-major leaguer on the list. (Could it be relevant that the last regime to build a Yankee team was lead by Gene Michael and Bob Watson?)

The Yankees farm system has endured a miserable last four years. Over that period, Hal Steinbrenner barely changed a nameplate. Now, with Newman retiring, it's worth asking one simple question:

Are we changing the way the Yankees do business, or are we merely relarding the bloat?

Call the Dodgers "Yankees West," And I'll Call You A Liar

Here's the proof.

Good value on the contract, hard worker, smart, commands peer respect... The next Yankee batting coach should be A-Rod

Former Yankee hitting coach Kevin Long had an interesting playing career. He served eight years on the Royals plantation, three times making it to the bright lights of Triple A Omaha. He never made it to The Show.

Long's best year was his first. He batted .312 for Eugene in the Northwest League. He never again hit above .300. His career average stands at .273. Overall, he clubbed a total of 14 home runs. Yes, over eight years... 14 HR.

I don't say this to mock a decent fellow who just lost his job. Maybe Long was a great hitting coach. Maybe he took a course in it. Maybe he got his Master's degree in batting coachery. I say this because Long never seemed to have  juice with the Yankee superstar lineups that were more interested in their hedge funds than on-base percentages. For the last three years, Yankeee hitters have steadily declined in production due to defensive overshifts. We saw Curtis Granderson arrive as a five-tool future superstar and leave as Richie Hebner with a hernia. We' watched Mark Teixeira turn into Lyle Overbay. Last year, we watched Stephen Drew - barely hitting .150 - STILL trying to drive the ball through overshifts.

When you're hitting .150, and you're not willing to lay down a bunt, is there a batting coach in creation - aside from Your One Personal God and Savior, Randy Levine - who can make a difference? What guy who hit 14 HRs in his career can get Carlos Beltran's attention?

Well, there is a guy who can do it.

Al "A-Rod" Rodriguez needs to be the Yankee batting coach in 2015.

Think about it. Why have a batting coach who once hit .312 at Eugene? Why not have the best hitter of his generation? A head case who has lived and breathed hitting for 20 years? Why not a guy who is on his last chance to do something meaningful in life, and who has a great recipe for milk shakes?

I'm speaking metaphorically, of course. Install A-Rod as batting coach. We're already paying too much for him. He can be DH/Coach. We'll save money. When A-Rod sits down next to Austin Romine, you think Austin Romine will be listening to Sheer Mag - (coolest band out there, BTW) - on his earbuds? Hell no.

Save money. Save the team.
Make A-Rod batting coach.

Nelson Cruz? Of course! Why didn't we think of that?

Nick Carfardo, one of the Globe's gaggle of go-to Gammonites, says Prince Hal and Bathhouse Brian will be hot into the bidding war for Nelson Cruz, based on his 2014 contract season numbers and the fact that he is one of the few free agents old enough to remember Fawn Hall and Ollie North's shredding parties.

Cruz would be a perfect fit for the Yankees next year because:

1. He'll be 35.

2, He'll want three years.

3. We need DH backup for Carlos Beltran, Mark Teixeira, Brian McCann and Al Rodriguez. (Note: To reduce fan backlash, the Official Policy of IT IS HIGH is that A-Rod in 2015 needs to rebrand himself as "Al Rodriguez." Imagine The Master's new home run call: "IT'S AN AL BOMB... FROM AL!  AL THE GREAT CONQUERS AGAIN!")

4. We'll wear out opposing teams, whose fielders will have to move from the right side over-shift to the left side over-shift.

5. Who needs draft picks anyway?

6. It's what Old George would have done.

If you buy the increasingly likely notion that Hal - the Boss' son - is simply tracking through his dad's evolutionary model, then the Yankees will be hapless for at least five years - until the Mets have risen to take NYC. (Considering how screwed up they look, we might be down for 10 years.) During the 1980s, the Iron Rule of Steinbrennerian Messing Up was to always buy high and sell low - Steve Kemp, Danny Tartabull, Tony Womack, et al. What better way to honor Old George than to add a DH, who's just had his best year, to a team of DHs.

You know, the more I think of this, the more it HAS to happen. It's like one of those ancient Greek tragedies, where the kid simply has to schztup his mom before we can move on to Act III.

The day we sign Nelson Cruz will bring about one of those out-of-body moments of mental torture. Randy Levine will host the news conference. They'll fit Nelson for the cap. The sportswriters will talk about the 40 home runs he'll hit. And the fan base will be even more polarized than it is now. (Have you see the viciousness on River Ave's comments section? You can't go five comments in without seeing a personal attack.)

You'll see half the Yankee fanbase sticking to the belief that the front office has a plan, because they know things that we don't, and that even if it looks bad, that they are doing this to help - and it will be just like all the things we say about the government.

The bottom line: We'll assure ourselves that the people in power would never make a move simply for the sake of making a move, would they? It's all about winning, right? Not just getting attention. Right?

And then we'll start imagining The Master's call. "IT'S A CRUZ MISSILE! NELSON ROCKS A FELLER!" We might as well get Fawn and Ollie back together. It's 1985 all over again.

Always something going on

"... grab-and-go food, snacks, souvenirs, toys, books, clothing and more..."

The Yankees could go with a six man rotation at firstbase

You know they say:

The key to baseball is firstbasing, firstbasing, firstbasing!

In fact, during Yankee blowouts, John Sterling takes pains to note that tomorrow's game will be entirely different, because both teams will field a new firstbaseman. Well, at least the Yankees will.

Which brings us to Brian Cashman's latest revelation: Next season, Al Rodriguez might move across his diamond habitat to play firstbase, along with Mark Teixeira, the legendary semi-regular firstbaseman, also known as the first firstbaseman. This adds to the Yankees' options, especially when in the 2015 playoffs, because a team with so much firstbasing must make the playoffs. Or at least the away-field one game wild card.

Here's the dream rotation for next October:

Game One: Teixeira. Make no mistake, he's our Game One Starter, our innings eater. Hopefully, he can get us into the eighth, when we can turn firstbase over to Martin Prado, the closer.

Game Two: A-Rod, who can avoid a lot of negativity next year if he just calls himself "Al" Rodriguez. (Note to self: That should be this blog's future campaign. When he comes to bat, the Yankees should play that old Paul Simon song, CALL ME AL: "A man walks down the street and says, why am I soft in the middle...") Let's face it. A-Rod ("Al") is getting up there. If we get five solid innings from him, Tex can come in and be the bridge to Martin. If not, Cash can scour the waiver wire and bring back Lyle "From the Pile" Overbay. ("I need a photo opportunity/ I need a shot at redemption/ Don't want to end up a cartoon/In a cartoon graveyard.")

Game Three: It has to be Beltran. Let's face it: His elbow barks, but he doesn't. Last year, when they put Beltran at firstbase, it was the first time he'd played the position since elementary school, when he tagged Marcia Gonzalez in the mouth and served lunch suspension for three days. At 38, Beltran is a stop-gap firstbaseman, but there's still lighting in those knees. When he falls, nothing gets through them.

Game Four: Nobody captured the Yankee September spirit like Brian McCann. As soon as the Yankees escaped the race, Mickey McCann turned it on, like a fully opened beer tap. With four more years on his contract, he must play firstbase, because otherwise - well - what'll we do with him? He's got that short rightfield porch in Yankee Stadium, and last season led the mighty Bombers in home runs... with 23! The Babe, The Clipper, The Mick, Mr. October, B-Cann!

Game Five: Frankie Cervelli has the mit and the temperment. Good grief, he hit .301 last year, placing fifth in Yankee batting averages. (Team leaders: Jose Pirela .333, Martin Prado .316, Antoan Richardson .313, Scott Sizemore .313 and Frankie. How could they fire a batting coach who has five players hit above .300?) Our game five starter brings a solid bat and a great sense of desperation: He'd rather die in a home plate collision than spend another summer in Scranton.

Game Six. OK, I know what you're thinking. Do we really need a six-man rotation? Old school managers in the 1960s went with three-man rotations. Well, this is the modern era, folks. Get with the Yankee program.

And this, of course, is why the Yankees are thinking about signing Chase Headley. He brings that extra flexibility, in case Al Gonzalez decides to play third. Maybe Chase can change his name to Lamar Headley. Oh, who cares. You know what they say: In baseball, you never have enough firstbasing.

We Are Now Officially Dead ! Mark Down The Date.

All the Yankee suck-up beat writers are quick to jump on Kevin Long's " unacceptable" offense numbers, as a rationale for why his dismissal was so well conceived.  Sure, the termination of Kevin and the first base coach, along with two servers in the Yankee cafeteria, will turn the team around.

Surely, Kevin was in charge of the Yankee draft, right?  Similarly, the first base coach must have negotiated the deal for Beltran and the other .220 clean-up hitters loading up our lineup.

Not one of this lousy excuses for investigative journalists bothered to focus on the fact that, " you can't change water into wine."  If you give me a lumbering, old, achy 38 year old who makes more money than the GDP of many nations, and tell me he is going to hit .320, have 35-40 homers and steal 25 bases, while playing great defense, I'll tell you to go drink an entire bottle of vodka before you head to work this morning.  Do it every day, and you have a season.

To put it bluntly, the articles on Cashman's re-signing, mostly, made me puke for their lack of insight, accuracy and truth.  The facts are plain;  Cashman has presided over a disaster and never….NEVER…. should have been re-signed.

We have only old, over-paid, injury-prone, slow footed position players, because Cashman has failed completely in evaluating, developing and providing opportunity for young, athletic prospects.  We have polls now, on re-signing journeymen.  Who gives a turd?

There is a plan afoot to play A-Rod at first base ( are they trading Tex, or is it known that his wrist is totaled ?).  Remember how that worked out this year when we tried, infielders, catchers and outfielders at that spot?  Doesn't anyone on the Yankees understand that you need quality, trained, experienced people to play the positions they play?   That you can't just take anyone with a uniform and play him anywhere, and hope for a good outcome?  This isn't high school, where the best athlete can do it all.

Girardi has been hardened by the money, no doubt.  And he has track record with the Yankees.  But how can he remain silent when a parade of losers is shuffled to his dugout by Brian Cashman?   You think Buck Showalter would stand mute?

We, on this blog are the only, unwavering voices of realism and dissent on this issue, but we are voices in the wilderness.

The Yankee ownership, and the staff with whom they have surrounded themselves, are pathetic and brain-dead.  Moreover, they don't give a rat's ass about the fan base.  The people.

Much like our Congress.

We are screwed folks.  so find some other ways to enjoy your day.

Dear New Jersey police: Here are your Top 10 suspects who would steal Yogi Berra's world series ring

1. Vladimir Putin - to match Super Bowl ring he took from Robert Kraft.

2. ISIS - to maintain standards of pure evil.

3. North Korea dictator Li'l Kim - except he's dead.

4. Carl Yastremski - because he still has no ring.

5. Dick Cheney - to pay off Satan and live forever.

6. Bud Selig - final, convoluted poke at A-Rod.

8. Ben Affleck - out of sheer hatred for Yankees.

9. George Zimmerman - trust me: he's behind this, somehow.

10. Madonna - for her collection.

Yanks give Cashman three years and two scapegoats

Cash stays, because of the great job he did last year, general managing the Yankees to second place in the AL East, when many thought the team would finish behind Toronto.

Hitting coach Kevin Long goes, because he apparently couldn't change the batting styles of withering 36-year-old millionaires in the throes of their last long-range contracts.

And finally, first base coach Mick Kelleher was fired for not waving more runners to second, not slapping enough butts, and failing to remind guys how many outs there are in the inning.

These are the days of miracle and wonder.

It's Official

We knew it was coming, but Cashman's new 3-year deal was announced today.

Maybe if I learned to screw up on my job, I'd get $3 million a year.

Probably not.

Anyway, we are now officially doomed.

Do you think he's getting back at all the players and coaches who used to make fun of him for being such a dork?

Nah, that couldn't be possible. He's too professional for that. Right?

Will the World Series turn out to be a match up of ex-Yankee strategists?

If Baltimore and San Francisco play, it will be like an assembly of successful Yankee management personnel... none of whom are working for the Yankees.

Orioles

Ex-Yankee manager Buck Showalter, manager

v

Giants

Ex-Yankee Dave Righetti, pitching coach
Ex-Yankee Roberto Kelly, first base coach
Ex-Yankee Bam Bam Meulens, hitting coach
Ex-Yankee Joe Lefebvre, assistant hitting coach
Ex-Yankee Henry Cotto, baserunning coordinator
Ex-Yankee JT Snow, assistant
Ex-Yankee Shane Turner, coordinator of minor league development

Mike Lupica is livid

I like Lupica. Good grief, I've been reading him since Hoss Clarke arrived. He's New York's Dan Shaughnessy, minus six pounds of curls and 10 descriptors per paragraph. I remember Old George mocking him as "little Mike Lupica," as if The Boss was some titan of manhood, rather than just Leona Helmsley with a penis. And it was always to watch Lupica bounce from the Daily News to the Post and back to the Daily News, almost Dick Young-style, the way Gooden, Cone, Grandyman, et al, shuffled between the Mets and Yankees.

Most of all, it was always fun when Lupica got angry... furious... LIVID.

Today, he is foaming!

[S]ome low forms of pond life have broken into the Yogi Berra Museum in the night and stolen items from there.

Yes, Commissioner Gordon, it's those dastardly burglars of the Yogi Berra Museum.

It is as if they really did break into Yogi’s home and steal memories from him, pieces that are like valuable artwork from a remarkable American life, priceless to him. They did not just steal from that place. These bastards stole from Yogi.

Dear God. The monsters are the worst: fart-breathing booger-eaters, pig-doodlers and foot-mouthed flop-heads. Fortunately, he's hot on their trail.

Nobody gets to take anything more from him, not like this, not one single thing. If you know who they are, call this paper or call the cops. Whatever the reward is for information — late Thursday it was $5,000 — the Yankees should make it even bigger. These punks don't get to get away with this.

Listen:  If any of you happen to be the bleeps who stole Yogi's rings... GET OFF MY LAWN, NOW! GO ON, GIT! I hope they give you ringworm. But my grandmother used to say, 'tis an ill wind that blows NO good. And in this case, it's always fun when the great white hunter charges into action to harpoon the whale in the pool. These are the days of miracle and wonder...

YES Network ratings and franchise value send us a message: The Yankees have reached a point where they cannot suffer financially for their mediocrity

Yesterday, the bold reality of our insignificance emerged in two news releases. We learned that:

Despite marketing one of the more tedious products in history, despite playing lackluster games and finishing barely a toothache over .500...

1. The value of the New York Yankees' brand name rose by about $100 million last year, according to Forbes. The team has the most profitable brand name in all of sports, more so even than the European soccer powers, generally viewed as the world's most valuable franchises.This is why the teenager who shot Khadafy, or the tyke who tugged at the Pope, wore NY caps. The Yankees are synonymous with power, prestige and money.

2. The YES Network announced that ratings for Yankee games rose by 15 percent over 2013. They rose in every demographic. The Yankee Pre-Game Show was up 25 percent. The Yankee Post-Game Show rose by 23 percent. The only slacker was Yankee Batting Practice, only up 6 percent. Of course, the Yankees had no bats.

So, there you have it, Yankee fans. Say whatever you want about Hal Steinbrenner and Brian Cashman. It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. You might as be speaking in tongues. If the team stinks for 10 years, all they need to do is honor another old star - you know, put Yogi on a medical flatbed - and everybody will watch. They can inhabit the reality where Carlos Beltran warrants a three-year-deal at age 37. It doesn't matter. They cannot lose money.

The Yankees have reached the pinnacle of capitalism: They are untouchable. They are one of the fixtures in American society that cannot be held accountable for dastardly deeds or plain old incompetence.

Top Institutions of American Society 

Who Cannot Be Held Accountable 

for Dastardly Deeds or Plain Old Incompetence   

1. Cops
2. Bankers
3. Yankee Ownership
4. Other Sports Team Owners
5. Assorted Billionaires from Vices (Trump, Adelson, etc.)
6. Kardashian Family
7. Fox News Commentators
8. Congressmen in Safe Districts
9. Corporate CEOs
10. Jennifer Lawrence (Note: She really hasn't done anything, but let's face it: She could get away with it.)

There was a third news story yesterday, still making the rounds. The Yankees won't bite on the international man of mystery, Cuban OF Yasmani Tomas, because he'll cost too much money. On the heels of the two other stories, it's just too perfect - too clean, too symmetrical - not to mention.

Of course, nobody knows if Tomas is worth the money. But some teams will bid hard on him, because their scouts think he is. The Yankees will sit this one out. Not only will they sit this out, but they are announcing - in their sly, de facto way - that they will sit it out. Thus, their fellow Yacht Club commodores can rest assured they won't face a bidding war with a team worth more money than the country of Sierra Leone. (Where the lack of money invested into hospitals and education may just prove to be our future downfall.)

This is what nice billionaires do, when they were properly raised as nice billionaires.

We can sit here and argue about which kind of oil we'd like to see them boiled in - peanut? olive? Mazola? - but we're the ones - the diehard fans - who sit in the kettle. They will never hear us. They will never feel us. They will never worry for one moment about Yankee fans straying from the lodestone. They own the lodestone. And its value never goes down.

Have a nice day.

Things Yogi would say about his museum heist

The other day, some total jerks knocked off 

the Yogi Berra Museum at Montclair State University.

So...

It’s aint stolen ‘till it’s stolen.

It's tough when they steal memorabilia, because you don’t always remember it.

Burglary is 90 percent getting in, and the other half is getting out.

Nobody steals any more. They just take your stuff.

These days, a nickel isn’t even worth a crime.

The secret to the St. Louis Cardinals success is simple. They got rid of Beltran

They saw a 37-year-old, slow-moving outfielder with a cranky elbow... who had just wrung the last .296 season out of his failing knees... and who was seeking a three-year-deal and a pay-raise... and they said, "So long, and good luck!"

You stick Beltran's .233 average and 15 HRs in the Number 3 of the Cardinals' batting order, and do they still beat Pittsburgh by two games in the NL Central?

The Yankees say Beltran will return to form in 2015. He'll be 38. They're talking about re-signing Chase Headley, which would make A-Rod the regular DH and have Beltran play in right field.

Question: Do you think the Cardinals brass would buy into such optimism?

Will the Yankees learn anything from the success of San Francisco and St. Louis?

Here we go again: SF v SL - the modern gold standards of the National League.

In the AL, it's KC v. Showalter, two clubs loaded with stars in their primes, both likely to be contenders - if not division winners - for several years.

And then there is our raging nemesis, Boston, soon to be freshly rebooted. If the past is prelude, they'll be resurrected next year because - well - they are the modern gold standard of the AL.

At some point, the yacht club commodores who run the Yankees might ponder how these teams have built mini-dynasties at a fraction of the Bombers' costs.

San Francisco, now chasing their third World Series ring in recent years, are led by Buster Posey, arguably the next Jeter. Posey was once the third pick in the MLB draft. The Giants have made consensus draft picks, stressed pitching, and in down years, turned to rebuilding.

The Cards, likewise, always look a few years down the road. When Albert Pujols - a god in St. Louis - chased West Coast money, they never felt heartburn. Somewhere, within their incredible farm system lurks a young executive who might have reset the Yankees' miserable quagmire. Instead, the Yankees kept farm director Mark Newman until long after his sell-date, and now he's retiring with a system that sucked air for the last three years. (Yes, I know: Dellin Betances! But are 28 year old rookies really prospects?)

Yesterday, George King of the NY Post reported that Brian Cashman and company won't chase the 23-year-old Cuban OF, Yasmani Tomas, because they don't think he's worth the $100 million he's destined to get. In other words, some team - likely with less money and a better record of scouting players - DOES believe he's worth $100 million. Of course, none of us knows the worth of this guy. But the question remains: Do we feel confident about the Yankees' decision to turn away and count their pennies?

Over the last two seasons, the Yankees have sold a lot of tickets by promoting nostalgia acts: Huge pageants to honor ex-heroes, such as Tino Martinez, and they promoted the entire month of September as farewell tours for Mo or Jete. Yankee Stadium became MLB's version of Branson, Missouri. Unfortunately, we have now run out of Rolling Stone reunions, and we are looking at Foghat and Mungo Jerry. Chasing the last Wild Card slot gets stale, especially when you're trading future prospects just to stay relevant.

Who will the Yankees use to sell tickets next fall? A-Rod? Get real. A farewell season for Ichiro? Count me out. Are we supposed to come and cheer the painful deterioration of Sabathia and Teixeira? Does anybody think we will be reborn by signing 30-year-old Chase Headley, and ignoring the population of Cuba? Who breathes life into the tired Yankee brand next year? Martin Prado?

Are we learning from the Giants and Cardinals? Because they are the gold standard of baseball. And the Yankees, on the other hand, have become the bronze standard... yep, the Bronze Bombers. And I can think of something else the color of bronze.

Why All The Blather?

Dear Mr. Duque;

I have told you 50 times that the stupid, team destroying decisions which constantly surround the current Yankee team, are due to one man:  Brian Cashman.

He will never use the term re-building.  He will never favor young prospects over aged, over-paid veterans.  After all, he signed them to the stupid contracts, and he will play them, come hell or high water.

The prospects you speak of, who have earned a shot due to excellent performances this season at Scranton, will wither on the vine.  Unless they hit .500 in spring training, and unless one or more of the bulky, faded roadblock veterans pulls a hammy, they won"t come north.

Even if one of the prospects does hit .500 in the spring at Tampa, Cashman can always cite the one month wonder they brought north this past season. The guy with the million dollar name, now forgotten. He ultimately bombed and was sent away.

If I could only waddle faster, I would come to your home and hit you over the head with a mallot, until you finally get it.  Cashman is the problem.

Cashman is the devil.  Yes….Cashman's decisions will make this team worse next year.  It is going to happen.

And the Steindolts are currently drooling over the terms of Casman's contract renewal, whereas they should be breaking all ties with him.  They should be detailing his failures in the media, and making certain his days in the game are finished.

Doesn't anyone care that the Yankee farm system is the joke of the league?   Doesn't wanton disregard for the future mean anything?  Doesn't two straight years out of the playoffs have relevance?

Apparently not..

 All we can hope for is endless, recurring injuries to the old, mediocre players.  Injuries are the only way young talent on the Yankees gets a chance. We fans have to hope for extensive lists of players on the DL.

The Yankees have no chance to succeed because there is no long-term planning.  There is no commitment to re-building a competitive franchise, capable of winning it all.  Because such an undertaking requires change, courage, and an honest assessment of the current situation.

There is no honesty in Cashman.  There is no courage.  There is no willingness to stare failure in the eye, and decide to do things differently.  Cashman's talent is in building expensive, wildly expensive, mediocrity.

Don't you get it?  Do I really have to pound you over the head, relentlessly with a croquet mallot?

Cashman has ruined this team, and is now about to ruin its future.

The door of opportunity is open now.  The chance still exists to dump Cashman onto the world's garbage heap.

But does anyone think Hal and Hank aren't already sucked into the delusion that Cashman is the man to bring the Yankees back?

We are doomed.  Stop tying to drown us in well-conceived ideas.

Yankees should say no to beheadings and to Headley

The Yankees should not be beheading players or be playing Headleys.

There you have it: By far, the most tasteless introductory pun in the history of this blog - proof that two seasons out of the playoffs can turn a Yankee fan insane.

O, but if only this were a delirium dream...

It's not. Jon Heyman at CBS says the Incompetent Empire might sign Chase Headley.

Dear God, do something. Send a message. Send a savior. Send an asteroid!

It's perfect. It's surreal. The Yankees would sign yet another former all-star, on the wrong side of 30, who can't fathom an over-shift, whose power numbers are plunging, whose B.A. is plummeting into the .220s, and whose presence guarantees a defense with at least one DH somewhere in the field. Wow. Pinch me!

If the Yankees sign Headley, 2015 could actually be worse than 2014. Imagine that.

After escaping San Diego, Headley hit .262 with 6 HR for the Yankees in 58 games, and compared to the strikeout/pop up/ground out machines who clogged the middle of the order, you'd think he was the Second Coming of Bye Bye Balboni. The YES men quickly dismissed Headley's .229 average over 77 games with the Padres, where he became known as an LOB machine. Once again, we glimpsed the Yankee front office hubris in full self-congratulatory glory: Look what we stole from those stupids in San Diego! Put pinstripes on him, and he'll be a star again! What crapola. Does anybody ever wonder how the team got into this sewer?

If the Yankees sign Headley, that means Martin Prado - whose greatest value is versatility - plays 2B all year, and both Rob Refsnyder and Jose Pirela - our best position prospects - either get traded or sent back to Scranton, disillusioned and distraught. There, they can hit .210 in April and gently slide off the grid, like so many other young Yankees. Remember when they cut Frankie Cervelli at the last minute of spring training three years ago, and it took him until July to raise his average to .250? (And by the way, turned himself into a fine player.) And how a devastated Austin Romine backpedaled all last year, after the Yankees made him a backup catcher at Triple A? These guys come in as prospects and go out as street people.

At a certain point, a guy who hits .300 at Scranton deserves a crack at the majors. He doesn't need a suit in NYC deciding from videos that he'll never make it. Pirela won the International League batting crown, for god's sake. The Yankees never even called him until late September, and then he impressed everybody. Where was he when Brian Roberts was dragging the team down like a cannonball? If they sign Headley, Pirela and Refsnyder disappear - and A-Rod and Carlos Beltran can be matching bookends at DH. Yes, the old two DH lineup! Always a winner.

The concern, of course, is that A-Rod - at 40 - may need to be a full-time DH. Well, I say, screw that. I'm all for forgiving Alex, but he's made his bed. He's making $25 million. He needs to play in the field. We can't carry another full time DH. And we can't sign somebody just to ease A-Rod's conscience.

I suppose there is some contract Headley could sign that would make him worth our while. A one-year deal, so he can salvage his career on the Gotham stage. Trouble is, I doubt that's where we're going. He'll want three years. And if he was bad in San Diego, trust me - yes, even me, sitting in sunny Syracuse with a channel changer in one hand and a loaded Luger in the other, the barrel perched in my mouth - trust me, give him three seasons, and he'll be just as bad in NYC. They always are.

What a strategy! Sign another old guy. Dear God, send an asteroid. No, wait. It's a beautiful day, let's catch two.

The Peeve of Peeves: More than anything, John and Suzyn HATE watching Yankees hitters fail to exploit the overshift

Someday, if our past petition drives ever gain traction, John Sterling will get his chance to manage the Yankees. On that day, certain Yankees will receive an earful.

They will be scolded like never before. They will hear about the wastefulness - the shamefulness! - of allowing defensive over-shifts to destroy not only their Yankee careers - but the Yankees.

Certain players - we're not naming names - apparently cannot alter their precious swings in order to exploit the wide-open fields, which have been left uncovered due to over-shifts. (Over-gifts, they should be called.)

They cannot bunt for a hit or slap a routine grounder into the opposite field - even when the Yankees need a base-runner more than a home run. They just swing harder and hit the ball where the defense is waiting to catch it.

This incompetence has been named Top 2014 John and Suzyn Shitlist Peeve in a non-scientific poll.

Of nearly 200 hardened Yankee fans, 43 percent named Inability to Exploit the Over-shift as John & Suzyn's top peeve.

First-runner up - and we should note that if, next year, all Yankees DO exploit the over-shift, and thus, the reigning peeve cannot complete its term, this would take over as the Top Peeve - is Missed Yankee Scoring Opportunities, with 37 percent.

Placing third was the Tropicana Dome Sound System - a hellhole of bizarre whistles and clattering sounds, which play at ear-splitting levels. It had 11 percent.

Fourth place goes to Leadoff Walks Issued by Yankee Pitchers, with 7 percent.

Congratulations to all the Peeves who entered this year's contest. Remember: There are no losers here. Each Peeve is a pain in the butt, and I'm sure each will return next year, more troublesome than ever. Good luck to all.

We are in the era of the Failure-Based dynasy

Congrats to the Royals, after flushing the big-ticket Anaheim Angels (the de facto Yankees, in many fans' minds) from public view! Nobody can say KC didn't earn its ticket to the ALCS: They had to stink for most of 25 years to accumulate enough high draft picks - and choose Eric Hosmer third in 2008 - and field a pennant-worthy team.

Also, hooray for the Nats, who drafted first twice in a row - (along with a bunch of compensation picks) - en route to bringing an NL Division crown to Warshington!

While we're drinking, let's toast Pittsburgh - poster team for disaster for more than a decade. Sorry, Bucs, that you disappeared so quickly this fall. Maybe you should have lost a few more games, back in those seed-building years.

In its quest for NFL-style parity - that is, a league without dynasties, (or without the Yankees) - Major League Baseball has reached that magical point where as soon as a team falls out of the race, the smart owner starts dismantling, chasing the golden 10 worst record in baseball, which means they can sign free agents next winter and not lose draft picks. It's almost like the NBA lottery. It's worth losing to get a shot at the next LeBron.

Of course, Boston understands this, and its owners made damn sure the Redsocks weren't going to get hot in September and screw up the future. As a result, they'll draft high, they'll spend high, and next season, they'll probably win the division - the way the SF Giants did it - growth through mediocrity. Because they were so bad in the mid-2000s, they got to draft Buster Posey. And let's not kid ourselves about the mastermind known as Buck Showalter. The Orioles took Matt Wieters first, Manny Machado third and Brian Matusz fourth - because they were bad. Awful. Terrible.

Want to make some money? Bet the house on Houston in 2016, flexing its corporate rewards for long term mediocrity - the way Tampa did in the late 2000s. (And Toronto, alas, poor Toronto, always ends up around .500, and never goes anywhere.) 

Meanwhile, the Yankees - Toronto on the Hudson - shall battle Girardi-like every September - loading up on salary dumps to chase the magical away-field, one game Wild Card elimination. Last June, we didn't draft until late in the second round, after 54 names had been pulled from the board.

Want to be bad forever? Come in fifth. (And hey, Seattle fans, with the great regular season force known as Robbie Cano, you might want to get used to 83 wins. You could be sitting there for a lonnnnnng time.)

In the mid-1980s, the Yankees launched a 14-year barf, in which they missed the post-season continuously, despite shelling out for the highest payroll in the game. It wasn't until they completely fell apart and drafted high - Brien Taylor (who failed) and Derek Jeter, who didn't - that the team finally built what could be its last dynasty in history... or at least in my lifetime.

So, congratulations, Kansas City. And good luck to the Dodgers (the new de facto Yankees). But don't look over your shoulders, folks. Those Padres and Diamondbacks were pretty awful this year. It won't be long.

KC Are Krazy Cool

I never liked the Anaheim Schmuckballs from LA, or whatever the he'll they're called. Best record in baseball, my ass. And chubby little Mikey Scosia and that rally monkey. These people are clowns.

So nothing gives me greater Schadenfreude than to see the Royals kick their ass in three straight. Trout, Hamilton and company go home. As soon as the last out was in the books, TBS cut to George Brett, our worthy, hemorrhoidal adversary of years gone by. Sporting a helluva 20,000 dollar watch (probably more), by the way.

Now we can only hope that KC stays torrid and smokes Showalter's boys. I respect them and wish Buck never left, but KC has my heart. So fuck 'em.

The last time the Yankees were five years from a ring, and two straight without a post-season, was 1983

O, that wonderful year.

We were starting the Omar Moreno Period, and look, LOOK! - two players under 30! We won 91 games - 7 better than this year's incarnation.

Imagine Nettles as Jeter, Baylor as Beltran, and Jacoby Mumphrey as Jerry Ellsbury - wait, is that right? - and think of time as a flat, circular roll of provolone, as outlined by Matthew McConaughey's crazy character in "True Detectivies."

Of course, we had yet to reach our Trade All Youth Era - with Otis Nixon, Doug Drabek, et al. Ron Guidry was starting to fade. Our rotation included Bob Shirley. Danny Tartabull, Ed Whitson and Sheriff Joe Cowley were flickering lights in the distant horizon.

As the modern Yankees revisit the 1980s - and Kansas City becomes the gold standard of the AL - maybe it's time to see what's in our future - via the past. Here's our pitching staff from 1983.

Do you see Sabathia? (Rudy May.) How about Pineda? (Righetti.) Capuano and McCarthy? (Rawley and Fontenot.) Shawn Kelly? (Dale Murray.) They're all here. Excuse me, I'm going out to stare at the sun.

Gone Guy

Lemme get this straight: Ben Affleck wouldn't wear a Yankee cap in "Gone Girl," but he's making a movie about Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich?

So who are Kekich and Peterson going to be playing for, 

the New York Knights?

Search Twitter: Joba + Ebola

Need I Say More?

The year is over.  The season another disaster.

Injuries, failures, stupidity and short-sightedness everywhere on the Yankees.

The organization smells like goose poop steaming on your lawn.

Until Cashman is gone, I'll be back for more.

Wait for me next spring.

Yankee doom and gloom.

The Senators win! Thuuuuuuuuuuhh Senators win!!

Who to support? Scientific analysis of Yankeedom for each playoff team

GIANTS:
Dave Righetti: 5 (pitching coach, ex-Yank great)
Roberto Kelly: 2 (coach, ex-Yank, traded for Paul O'Neill)
Hensley Meulens: 2 (coach, ex-Yank future HOF prospect)
Joe Lefebvre: 2 (coach, ex-Yank OF prospect)
JT Snow: 1 (coach, ex-Yank farmhand, dealt for Jim Abbott)
Henry Cotto: 1 (scout, ex-Yank, broke eardrum with Q-tip)
Travis Ishikawa: 1 (momentary Yank last season)
SCORE: 14

NATIONALS:
Tyler Clippard: 4 (ex-Yank, had big hit v Mets, had great nickname "The Yankee Clippard")
Rafael Soriano: 4 (saved Yanks when Mariano hurt)
Matt Thorton: 2 (ex-Yank, disappointment)
Tony Tarasco: 2 (coach, ex-Yank, O's OF who waved at famed HR caught by Jeffrey Maier)
Bryce Harper: 1 (will be Yank when washed up, age 40)
SCORE: 13

TIGERS:
Brad Ausmus: 5 (mgr, ex-Yank catcher)
Joba Chamberlain: 5 (ex-Yank, gnat incident in Cleveland, still beloved)
Phil Coke: 4 (ex-Yankee LP, surprisingly good career)
David Price: 1 (gave up Jeter's 3,000 hit, a HR; future Yank when washed up)
Miguel Cabrera: MINUS 2: (Longtime Yankee killer)
SCORE: 13

DODGERS:
Don Mattingly: 8 (ex-Yank great, retired number, future Yank mgr)
Carl Crawford: 1 (huge Redsock dud, fun reliving Boston pain)
Adrian Gonzalez: 1 (huge Redsock dud, ditto)
SCORE: 10

ORIOLES
Buck Showalter: 6 (ex-Yank mgr, helped build WS teams)
Kelly Johnson: 2 (ex-Yank, traded for Drew)
JJ Hardy: 1 (might replace Jeter next April)
SCORE: 9

ANGELS
Don Baylor: 2 (coach, ex-Yank DH, great hitter)
Hal Morris: 2 (scout, ex-Yank prospect, squandered by mgmt)
Mike Trout: 1 (Jersey boy, future Yank, when washed-up, after age 40)
SCORE: 5

ROYALS
Dave Eiland: 2 (coach, ex-Yank nobody)
Dale Sveum: 2 (coach, ex-Yank nobody)
SCORE: 4

CARDINALS:
Randy Choate: 3 (long ago, Yank LOOGIE, surprising longevity)
Mike Aldretti: 1 (bench coach, ex-Yank nobody)
John Lackey: MINUS 1 (ex-Redsock star)
SCORE: 3

Redsocks doing more than reshaping their team!

 

 



If this training has merit, the Yanks need to play catch-up. Any little edge seems worth pursuing, although our old dudes may have brains too ossified to take advantage..



The apology that Hal's dad would have made yesterday

Boys, ladies, gents, guys...

Thanks for stopping by the crypt!

Yes, I know it's cold and clammy down here, and the bagels are covered with spider eggs - Howard Rubenstein isn't answering his phone - but try to get comfortable, and don't stare at St. Peter: He's touchy about having three heads.

I've called you down here to apologize for the New York Yankees of 1982.

Wait, did I say 1982? Ha. I meant the Yankees of 2014. They just remind me so much of the 1982 Yankees that I get confused. Spending eternity in Heaven will do that to you.

What galls me, though, is that my sons must have been drunk or stoned out of their miserable gourds from 1982 through 1996 - the 14-year barf - because they didn't see what can happen to even the richest sports team in America.

Every Yankee fan down here in Heaven - by the way, it's much hotter than I anticipated - is in royal agony about this team. I mean, you hear tortured screams all day. The walls hold giant Yankee posters of Danny Tartabull, Bobby Meacham and Howard Spira, and I have to eat by myself in the cafeteria. These fans still remember what happens when an organization turns its back on youth, forgets to mount a plan that looks beyond next week, and which swallows so much inherited wealth that it chokes on its own delusional hubris.

That's what happened in the 1980s. Unfortunately, my sons were not watching. They were playing the horses, or smoking dope, or doing whatever rich frat boys do - and so now they must rediscover not only the game of baseball but how to walk on their own two feet... and I'm sorry to put you through this. Like I said, get comfortable. It's gonna be a while.

Most of all, I'm sad that Hal still blames his dad for everything that goes wrong, and so instead of firing management - as, yes, I probably did too often - he intends to keep this sorry collection around for his own eternity - and yours.

What? Time's up? Well, so long, guys... Keep churning out that copy. One of these days, you'll be joining me down here. I've got to get back to Heaven. It's movie night. We're watching Ishtar!

Hal to City: Drop Dead

Vows He'll Veto Any Bail-Out

Hal stands pat: “Changes will not be made in the organization for show. You will be held responsible if the job is not getting done. Any change we do make, I will feel the job was not getting done and we could do better.”

The Voice of Moderation gave his "State of the Yankees" address today.

Joel Sherman had his pad and pen ready.

This stinks: Jagiello is going to miss the fall instructional league

Our top pick - back in 2013, when we actually had first-round picks - was a college kid named Eric Jagiello, a 3B out of Notre Dame.

He represented one of our few top picks who wasn't immediately questioned as a stretch (Andrew Brackman, Cito Culver, Dante Bichette) or as unsignable (Cole Gerrit.) We had three first-rounders that year, and they were all "safe" in terms of receiving consensus applause. Because of the "success" of this draft, the Yankee farm system directors kept their jobs.

Last year, Jagiello hit 16 HRs at Tampa in 85 games. Not bad. In fact, after Peter O'Brien (whom we traded for Martin Prado) and Kyle Roller, (who has Jose Pirela disease, and thus is invisible to Yankee scouts), Jagiello was probably our top minor league HR threat.

BTW, when talking about Yankee HR threats, keep in mind that the team leader this year was Brian McCann, with 23. No misprint. Twenty-three. McCann was tied with seven others - including Neil Walker, Marcell Ozuna, and JD Martinez - for 30th place in the HR listings.

So Jagiello, 22, went to Arizona this fall - having missed part of the regular season, and recently took a bean ball in the chops. He has a broken bone, and he'll miss 4-6 weeks. That really sucks, because he was one of a handful of our players to receive the choice Arizona placement.

Damn.

Maybe the Yankees are just snake-bitten. Did Joe Torre use up all our luck for the generation?

Live shots from Jeter's retirement

Dear Mr. Steinbrenner, When pondering the Yankee future, here's a phrase to consider: REBUILDING YEAR

Dear Madam or Sir,

I won't whine about 2014. Nope. What's done is done. You won't hear a mean-spirited verb from me. Instead, I'm thinking of the future: 2016.

Follow my advice, and you shall again prance the light fantastic in your kinky boots along the Canyon of Heroes... but not next year. Think of the place behind the pines... the year after next.

Here is my 11-step plan.

1. They say you're re-signing The Quipster, Brian Cashman. OK, fine. Whatever the guy has on you, I don't want to know. Give him this mandate: He MUST win in 2016. Stress this. Instead of winning every year - which is impossible - he must target 2016. Every move should be predicated on building a team two years away, not for next month. If we do win in 2015, that's gravy. But next August, even if we are within spitting distance of the one-day, away-field wild card, do NOT alter the course: Think about twenty-sixteen.

I know this will be tough. Write it into Cashman's contract.

2. You about to wipe a shitload of money off the books. I count $57 million from next year's annual payroll - give or take a David Phelps. We dump Soriano ($18 M), Kuroda ($16 M), Jeter ($12 M), Ichiro ($6.5 M) and Robertson ($5). Wow, that's an Adam Sandler movie. If Kuroda decides to return, sign him. I'd like to see Robertson stay, too, but that depends on what he seeks. Either way, you've got at least $30 million. That's a Pauly Shore movie - with a walk-on role by the hot young comic, Mark Teixeira.

3. Face it: We have no choice but to ride the A-Rod train next year, and see where the hell it takes us. My guess: Boise. If he does come back, who knows! We could win it all. If A-Rod can still play 3B, wonderful. I'm thinking 1B or worse - DH - or worst, nothing. Whatever. Next year, Alex either carries us to glory or hauls us into his personal, self-inflicted black hole, with new girlfriend, Amanda Bynes. He could be a giant human lump in the middle of the lineup. I would not sign Chase Headley, because a) he won't come cheap, b) he's an LOB machine, and c) because of A-Rod, we have no place for another lump.

Best case scenario: A-Rod has a solid 2015, so we can eat the contract and deal him to Miami before 2016. Everything should be predicated on A-Rod going home for 2016.

4. We need a big ticket pitcher. Sabathia won't last through 2014. Probably, neither will Tanaka. So sign John Lester. He is a) the best pitcher out there, b) a poke in Boston's eye, and c) he won't cost a first-round draft pick. Let's shoot for a sever-man rotation: Lester, Pineda, Tanaka, Green, Sabathia, Phelps, Nova, maybe Brendan McCarthy (depending on what he wants.) That way, when two people collapse, we'll have five. In 2016, maybe Luis Severino will be the next Guidry. But I'm betting he's the next Manny Banuelos. Whatever that means.

Anyway... write this down: We cannot lose first-round picks.

5. We need a slugging OF. I say try the 23-year-old Cuban, Yasmani Tomas. Yes, he'll be overpriced. And yes, he might be a bust. But these Cubans are making big-bucket splashes, and if this one turns out to be Fidel's communist spy, he'll still have trade value. We desperately need a young OF, we have the money, and this guy won't cost a first-round pick.

Note: We want to keep first-round picks.

6. Dump Carlos Beltran. The Pirates often recycle our mistakes. Let's admit that Beltran is one, and be done with it. Get a prospect, or a bullpen arm, or an iPhone 6, whatever. We don't need another Alphonso Soriano, or a Brian Roberts, or a Travis Hafner, or a Vernon Wells, or an Andruw Jones, or a Mark Teixeira, or a Carlos Beltran, or Insert Name Here, clogging the middle of our lineup like a hairball in a drain. Keep in mind, we'll have A-Rod. We want a seven-man rotation, not a seven-man DH staff.

7. Take a leap of faith: Play Rob Refsnyder at 2B... just to see what happens. Jeez, if our farm system cannot supply ONE effing position player in five years - since Brett Gardner - fire the losers who are running it. We need SOMEBODY from the system, and if Refsnyder can't cut it, try Jose Pirela. If he can't do it, bring up Angelo Gumbs or Derek Toadvine, just for the name-shock value. I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Give somebody young a crack. In other words, cut the dead wood from their paths. If next June, Refsnyder is hitting .198, there will be an old veteran on the market to replace him. Let's not exile Refsnyder to Scranton with a Zoilo Almonte sign on his back... and never see him again.

8. Invite Teixeira in for tea and scones. Compliment him on his hair. Play soft music. Give a back rub. Gently - politely - tenderly... explain to him that he either starts hitting to the opposite field, or he should try stand-up comedy. Right now, he's a comic with no punch lines. If his wrist is shot, he should retire. Tell him the Yankees will hire comedy writers. Call Billy Crystal. Maybe Tex can get his own TV show. But he CANNOT clog our lineup for another year and bat .220. We are a ball club, not a nostalgia act... or worse.. a clown college.

9. Shortstop... Jeez, I was afraid you'd ask. Frankly, I have no clue. There is a Korean named Jung-ho Kang, and he has a bang-up highlight video. But it's Korea, which is sort of like SUNY Brockport. I dunno. I say re-sign Stephen Drew, because we don't lose the draft pick. (Have I mentioned that you shouldn't give up a first-round draft pick?) Drew can't be THAT bad. He has no power, he hits .160... and he can't figure out the over-shift? Still, come on... NOBODY is THAT bad. He ought to be cheap. If he's not cheap, wish him the best. Hello-o, Korea!

10. If we don't re-sign David Robertson, give Betances the ninth. Maybe that lefty we drafted last June, Jacob Lindgren can make the jump. The bullpen is the bullpen. It always manages to find its own level, moving from lights-out to mediocrity. But Lindgren is another reason why you need high draft picks.

I'd trade Cervelli or Murphy or Romine for a couple young arms, so Gary Sanchez plays every day at Scranton. Move kids through the system. Do not let contracts get in their way. Next year, it's all about A-Rod, and Boston could be really tough. But in two years, they'll fold, and we can be young, improving and - who knows? - maybe champs.

Sir... think big, think long term... think: REBUILD!