Saturday, October 18, 2014

The world breathlessly awaits announcement of the Yankees new hitting coach

During the golden semen avalanche of Bud Selig's epoch as MLB's Owner of All Owners Who Own, there used to be a rule against teams issuing big press releases during the World Series, especially if Kansas City happened to be in it. Bud wanted the whole world watching the games, so the sore loser owners - i.e., George - were expected to squelch competing news bulletins about, say, Tanyon Sturtze's ringworm.

Apparently, the Seligian gag rule is now just a gag. The 2014 World Series is about to be forgotten, because the Yankees are on the verge of announcing... drum roll, please...


Speaking on behalf of Planet Earth, I say this:

More cowbell.

Hold on, everyone. Try to stay calm. We're awaiting the envelope. It might be Dave Magadan. It might be Chili Davis. Good grief, maybe Hal will resurrect Babe Ruth back from the dead. (It's now been 10 years since the Yankees slayed the Babe a second time, ending the Curse of the Bambino, and we've been a declining force ever since.) Whoever is annointed 2015 YANKEE HITTING COACH, he - or she - will really make a difference. Right?

Hahahaha. Of course, they will. Hahahauhg. Just keep repeating it, over and over. A new whipping mule! A new organizational scapegoat! The one guy who - unlike the starting nine - can be fired next winter. The batting coach. Hahahaaha.

I can't wait to see how this new key linchpin of the Yankee attack will alter A-Rod's swing. Maybe he'll teach Tex a new stance! And Prado, my goodness, the things he'll do with Prado! It'll be like Mickey, changing Rocky to a lefty, by having him drink eggs and chase chickens across the barnyard. That Prado, he's gonna eat thunder and crap guitar feedback!

What's sad here is that the Yankees didn't change hitting coaches last July. We'd be in the World Series, instead of KC, and the games wouldn't be shown on your cable system's Channel No. 400.

A new hitting coach. You'd think this was the NFL, and the Yankees just hired a new Offensive Coordinator for Tom Coughlin. Next year, will we launch a West Coach attack?

A new hitting coach. This could mean an entirely different set of inspirational slogans being yelled at Brian McCann, as he marches back to the dugout after his 100th strikeout. (Sometime in June.)

A new hitting coach. Whoopie. For the first time, maybe I miss Bud, after all.

He would tell the Yankees to keep quiet. Then again, who can stay quiet with a cowbell in hand?

1 comment:

Local Bargain Jerk said...

There's nothing to say and nothing to do about the Yankees' ownership, management, and even the lineup.

And yet, I come here each morning to read lines like "That Prado, he's gonna eat thunder and crap guitar feedback!"

Thanks as always El Duque for keeping us focused on what matters.

(FWIW, I'm pulling for the Royals.)