Monday, October 20, 2014

It's time for NY Giants fans to become champions of morality

Six weeks ago, the resident oh-dears of the mainstream media launched a moral crusade against the wife-beating, children-whipping and brain-damaging plantation owners and gangland thugs of the National Football League. You couldn't watch an online episode of Honey Boo-Boo without a pop-up of some 70's-haired columnist or angry librarian denouncing the NFL, merely because a guy cold-cocked his girlfriend and dragged her from an elevator like a burlap sack full of playground sand.

Well, the NFL's ratings only went up. Turned out, nobody was listening to the sermons. And who could blame them? The fans were trying on the Lawrence Taylor jersey, practicing the ol' forearm shiv on Aunt Edna, and buying whippets for the kickoff!

Well, as fans of Ray Rice might say, the bloom is off the nose.

People, it's time to march for a better world.

Altogether now, New York Gints fans:

"ON MORAL GROUNDS, WE ARE BOYCOTTING THE NFL.  FROM NOW ON, UNTIL ROGER GOODELL* IS GONE, WE SHALL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE BLOOD SPORT OF PRO FOOTBALL, WHICH IS ON THE LEVEL OF HUMAN COCKFIGHTING."

(*In lieu of Goodell, we might consider Tom Coughlin.)

Yes, Gint fans, it's time to replace our Eli jerseys with Pope robes. Let's get 100 percent self-righteous and at least 50 percent morally clean. Another season just died in the womb. Hey, dammit, that's abortion!

Once again, it's not even November, and the Gints are done. Of course, Coach Dale Carnegie will rally the team to win the last two games and finish 8-8 (and win a three-year extension from Rooney Mara, or Kate Mara, or whomever is counting the family cash flow these days.) They'll win the final game to "establish momentum" for 2015, as they did last year.

From now on, indignation is easy. The NFC East is a race between Dallas and Philadelphia, and when those moral dwarfs play each other, if there is truly a God, a volcano will erupt beneath the stadium and blow everybody in it to Iceland. That would teach the NFL about messing with the most important Commandment, (which the Giants have faithfully upheld) - "Thou shalt do no work on the Sabbath! And that means you, offensive line!"

Once again, we see the New York City sports mediocrity model in pure form: Two teams represent NYC, and one is so rancid that it makes the other look competent. The Mets have given the Yankees a free pass for the last 13 years. And the Jets? Good grief, you must go back to Emerson Boozer.

Last spring, the Gints made a big point about "character issues" in the NFL draft. I'm not making this up: They drafted team captains and linchpins of morality. We can probably out-debate the Cowboys. No animals will be harmed in the playing of this season. But the Vegas line against Phily is 20 points and growing.

Not that it matters, of course. From now on, I'm avoiding the NFL. It's a league of wife-beaters, children-whippers and displayers of shriveled grapenuts, such as Jerry Jones. I'm not ignoring these beasts from the netherworld. I'm officially boycotting them. Stop, hey, watch that sound, everybody look what's going down...

2 comments:

Alphonso said...

Sounds good to me.

Tonight, for example, you can watch the USWNT soccer play in a gold cup match, to qualify for the 2015 world cup.

Better than MNF and it's 2 hours of commercial breaks, and idiotic sideline interviews.

John M said...

So what we're thinking here is WNT, not Jint.

I know this sounds very NFL, but if the gals just had tighter-fitting or skimpier uniforms, ratings might go through the roof.