Monday, October 20, 2014

A-Rod nearly run over by crazed, morally indignant Cowboys quarterback

Al Rodriguez* was in Dallas yesterday, no doubt hoping to enjoy a rare whif of public attention.

He stood in the runway of Jerry Jones "Home of the Groper" Stadium and was nearly knocked down by a stampeding Tony Romo, and you could almost hear every fan in America yelling at the TV, "HA, TONY! RUN HIM OVER!"

Soon, Al will return to Florida for spring training, where he will face a relentless wave of boos at every baseball stadium he visits. And we Yankee fans will constantly hear the question: "How can you root for A-Rod?" (*Who, for rebranding issues, we will call simply "Al.")

Keep this in mind. (Or clip and save.) To our knowlege, A-Rod...

Hasn't knocked out any girlfriends.

Hasn't whipped any of his children.

Hasn't pulled an AK-47 on a cop, or driven people off a road, or taken hostages, or had dogs tear each other apart, or killed anybody with a DUI, or sent a phone text of his genitals to a female sportswriter.

In his most brutal and heinous physical attack on record - for which he shall always be condemned - he slapped the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove. Yep, he slapped!

Alex Rodriguez is accused of using performance enhancing drugs during a period in which they were not only legal but abundant throughout the game. In one case, he was given a waiver by MLB to use drugs - along with two other players, neither of whom has ever been identified.

Yes, he's an insecure, self-centered jerk.

The pariah. Our pariah. Shame on us. Shame, shame, shame...


KD said...

You forget two other infamous crimes of Al's: 1) yelling out "I got it! I got it!" as he headed for third, causing an opposing infielder to misplay a popup, and 2) stepping on the rubber on his way back to the dugout.

remember all the MLB sissies crying over those heinous acts?

KD said...

OK, I reread your post. Those weren't physical crimes. Just boyish offenses committed by a man playing a boy's game for which he got hammered.

Al's always worked hard and played hard. He never phoned it in or showed up at camp fat and out of shape. His only crime is trying to be even greater than the great ballplayer he was.

Welcome home, Big Al!

JM said...

We need more lady wrestlers sitting in the field box behind the dugout. Actually, we could use a few thousand of them to fill the empty seats in all the field boxes, just so the camera shots aren't so depressing.

Whaddya say, Al? Can you swing it?

joe de pastry said...

I've got a great coming up to bat song for him: "I Don't Want to be an Asshole Anymore" by the Menzingers. Check it out on youtube.