Trade Deadline Paparazzi Acquisition: Beckham to replace struggling Nicole

MANHATTAN _ Confirming long-held rumors, the New York Yankees news media Sunday announced the arrival of high-priced former Brittish star Victoria Beckham, boosting a Page Six lineup that had slumped this summer.

Sadly, the acquisition means that impossibly pregnant 1990's TV stickfigure Nicole Richie will be designated for assigment, according to Yankees spokesman Arthur Rubenstein.

Unless signed by another country's paparazzi, Richie must report to Scranton within five days.

"This is a big shot in the arm," Yankee manager Joe Torre told reporters, after the deal was announced. "Any time you can add an 'Old Spice' Girl to the line-up, you expect to score."

Despite a career year by Lindsay Lohan, Page Six has been mired in the second division, mostly due to the jailing of bullpen ace Paris Hilton and the astonishingly diminished attractiveness of Venezuelan right-fielder Britney Spears.

Scouts say Richie simply lost too much weight to adequately fill paparazzi camera lenses.

"She just wasn't eating," Torre said, of Nicole. "We're hoping she gets some kielbasa down in Wilkes Barre and comes back with boobs in September. She just needs to hone her strike zone."