Conditions Under Which We Would Take A-Rod Back

Rodriguez wants to stay a Yankee — albeit after proving his open-market value — and has gone out of his way to make it possible for the Yankees to climb down from their posturing and match any offer. --NYTimes

We'll take the bum if he passes the following tests:

1. Personally apologize to Suzyn Waldman, offering flowers, wine and chocolates.

2. Play one year free, tithing 20 percent of his personal savings to the team, and in the off-season, going door-to-door to spread Yank Gospel.

3. Bring us the broom of Theo Epstein, to prove that he is dead.

4. Involves sperm.