Yanks to League: No more losses, starting now, and this time, we are not kidding... That's right... We mean it... Here we come!

In a unified display of steely-eyed confidence, the New York Yankees today announced that they will start playing winning baseball tonight and defend their 2007 American League Wild Card.

Until now, despite pleas from fans and management, the players found it difficult to summon a sense of urgency to each game. Occasionally, the result was a losing effort.

"We're done with the old ways," manager Joe Girardi told reporters. "We had a team vote, and it was done with hidden ballots, so nobody could sway anybody or buy off anyone, and the vote was 13-12 that we should start playing hard, effective immediately. Knowing the way this team feels about democracy, I'm sure that we'll all pull together, effective immediately."

Girardi said if any player doesn't get the message, he or she will be sent to the bench. And they will not be allowed to challenge the team vote through the normal Yankee appeals process.

"A vote is a vote," he said. "If we were to delay our stretch move by one week, it could be a disaster. Therefore, we will start winning now."