Yanks Will Seek to Re-Invent Themselves in Nationwide Prime-Time Address

NEW YORK _ The Yankees said Monday they have secured network TV time later this week for a national address, in which they will decry media coverage that has given a wrongful impression to the nation that the 2008 team is in fourth place.

"Some Americans, if they read The New York Times and other elitist eastern media -- or if they go online to the depraved intellectual snobs of the blogosphere -- would think this Yankee club is a loser," the team said, in a statement released to the YES Network. "Nothing could be further from reality. In fact, the lineup is filled with all-stars and future hall-of-famers, who have proven their skills over the last eight years and beyond. They are attacking us because of our success."

Also, sources indicate that Susyn Waldman will be named Third Base Coach and Batting Instructor for the 2009 team, a selection designed to electrify the Yankee fanbase. Waldman is famous for opposing the Alex Rodriguez trade, which has been rechristened the by Yankee fans "The Bridge to Nowhere."