Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Yankees' and National Outlook for 2009



Now that the Yankees have wrapped up their season, it is time for a few predictions, based upon the Yankee's historical relationship with the State of the Union.

1. The Union ( Red states vs. Blue states ) now looks and behaves more like 1861 than the 21st Century. Our willingness to reason together, consider facts, logic and empirical evidence, and make choices for the betterment of the nation have collapsed. We either have to believe that dinosaurs lived as recently as 5000 years ago, and that the world started with a snake and an apple, or not discuss anything together but the weather.

2. Joba Chamberlain, the Yankees last, best hope for an emerging, young superstar who pitches, will spend at least two months next season on the DL with arm trouble. We don't have any such characters who play any other position.

3. Per all young Yankee pitchers, Joba will eventually agree to have arm surgery, and return in 2010 or 2011 as a junkballing, lefty specialist to get out Big Pappy in key situations.

4. Sarah Palin, will become acting President on several different occasions, and gain credibility as this Nation's personal, " Bridge to Nowhere."

5. The Dow Jones average will hit 2000, once it becomes clear that another $700 Billion in taxpayer wealth has been poorly allocated, administered and neglected.
6. The new growth industries of America will become; "gated communities " and "armed security work."

7. Banks will pay zero interest on our deposits. But only for a decade or so.

8. US Treasuries will be so expensive that they will yield a negative return, and the much promoted " tax break" on state and local taxes from the ( non ) interest payments, will mean that holders of this Government Debt will actually owe money for holding them.

9. The new Commissioner of Baseball will be from China.

10. Everything will be nationalized except for education and health care, which must be privately financed. A middle-tier college or university will cost $63,000 per year, plus money for books, food, housing, transportation, clothing, partying and illegal drugs. Sorry, no loans will be available because there will be no credit sources able to lend. And there will be no scholarships due to the fact that each University President will earn what the Chairman of Lehman Brothers used to take home.

11. It will be cheaper to fly to Indonesia for a plastic surgery on a skin blemish ( and stay for two weeks recuperating, on the beach, with a personal attendant ) than to have an X-Ray taken in the US. Except, of course, for members of the Government and their extended families, whose full-service care will be paid directly by deductions to US taxpayer paychecks.

12. The Mets will lead the NL East by 9 games in September, with 12 to play, and lose to the Marlins.

13. The US will no longer be regarded as a Democracy by nations abroad; we will be formally recognized as a failing Theocracy ( history shows that all Theocracies fail their people economically ).

14. The Yankees will win championships in all the minor leagues, with players whose average age is 34.6 years.

15. The best player on the Yankee's major league club will be Brett Gardner, and the team will come in 4th, about 16 games out of first. Brett will hit .183 but steal 65 bases.


16. Ian Kennedy will become a star on "As The World Turns," playing an alcoholic, former baseball player who can't come to grips with managing his father-in-law's grocery store.

17. George W. will declare war on Pakistan just before turning over the keys.

Come on , Miss America, it's time to stand up for the 7th inning stretch.

1 comment:

el duque said...

Want to know a scary secret everybody?

Alphonso is a prominent NYC banker.

Truth.