Open Letter to Moose and Andy: Thinking retirement, eh? Have you looked at the economy lately?

Dear Madams or Sirs

They say you guys might retire.

If so, we wish you the best.

Moose, you stood up this year. You are a great pitcher, a great man, and you'll make a great pitching coach someday, hopefully, for our side.

Andy, you didn't gotta prove nothing. You are a great Yank, a great man, we will always admire your work and life ethic.

But... RETIRE? WTF? Are you guys snorting baselines?

Have either of you noticed a little doodad called the U.S. economy?

Well, let me brief you.

America is about to become a frickin Charlton Heston movie. We're talking zombies! food riots! apes on horses! shopping mall fountains full of blood! Statues buried to their navels! Guys, don't drink any Shamrock Shakes. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

In case you haven't been converting your $10 million checks into weaponry, your your entire savings might be worth a Merrill Lynchian 22 cents on the buck. That's right, boys. Less than two-bits on the dollar. That means stems and seeds. Spam for Thanksgiving dinner. Forget the Sam Adams, we're drinking Pabst next year.

And that means one thing...

YOU'RE PITCHING IN 2009.

YEP. AND IT'S NOT EVEN GONNA TAKE MUCH THINKING.

Friends, Wall Street is calling you back.

See you in the new park. The checks should cash. Just don't drink the Shamrock Shakes.

And I'd be wary of certain Peanut Butter, too.