ST. PAUL, Minn. _ At the invitation of party leaders, Vice President Richard Cheney will materialize telepathically to delegates at the Republican National Convention tonight, jubilant GOP officials said Wednesday.
Cheney will deliver a 30-minute mental prime time address, outlining the Bush administration’s achievements and attacking Democrat candidate Barack Obama.
Party leaders had all but given up hope for a visit from Cheney, after the Vice President’s speech Monday night had to be canceled due to concerns about Hurricane Gustav. Then, a possible video address Tuesday was scrapped due to conflicts with the President’s satellite appearance, and by Wednesday, the cell phone with Cheney's number had run out of battery and could not be replaced in time to call.
Nevertheless, party officials were ecstatic at the prospect of Cheney using the non-traditional medium of mentalism.
For years, Cheney has yearned to speak directly to the voters, without the liberal media filter or rank physical manifestation. Until Oriental masters taught him the ability of thought projection techniques, his options were limited.
Cheney has learned to send text via extremely low mental frequencies, similar to those conveyed on AM radio stations.
In a demonstration Tuesday, a draft of Cheney’s address was mentally leaked to news organizations and service sector employees.
Cheney’s face appeared beneath a cowboy hat, back-dropped by a Wyoming ranch landscape and cattle grazing.
"Republican… GOOD!" Cheney said, though the garbled transmission ended in a brief subliminal image of a man swimming up a creek of excrement.
Cheney’s full message will include an implanted suggestion that Democrats in the mid-Atlantic are creating hurricanes, along with a disturbing image of Barack Obama shirtless with a machine gun and Afro haircut.
Cheney will deliver a 30-minute mental prime time address, outlining the Bush administration’s achievements and attacking Democrat candidate Barack Obama.
Party leaders had all but given up hope for a visit from Cheney, after the Vice President’s speech Monday night had to be canceled due to concerns about Hurricane Gustav. Then, a possible video address Tuesday was scrapped due to conflicts with the President’s satellite appearance, and by Wednesday, the cell phone with Cheney's number had run out of battery and could not be replaced in time to call.
Nevertheless, party officials were ecstatic at the prospect of Cheney using the non-traditional medium of mentalism.
For years, Cheney has yearned to speak directly to the voters, without the liberal media filter or rank physical manifestation. Until Oriental masters taught him the ability of thought projection techniques, his options were limited.
Cheney has learned to send text via extremely low mental frequencies, similar to those conveyed on AM radio stations.
In a demonstration Tuesday, a draft of Cheney’s address was mentally leaked to news organizations and service sector employees.
Cheney’s face appeared beneath a cowboy hat, back-dropped by a Wyoming ranch landscape and cattle grazing.
"Republican… GOOD!" Cheney said, though the garbled transmission ended in a brief subliminal image of a man swimming up a creek of excrement.
Cheney’s full message will include an implanted suggestion that Democrats in the mid-Atlantic are creating hurricanes, along with a disturbing image of Barack Obama shirtless with a machine gun and Afro haircut.
Cheney’s address will be made while he is pacing in front of a mirror in Eastern Europe. It is expected to be first thought of him to reach Minnesota in the last week.
After returning from his trip, Cheney will remain in a safe, secure, undisclosed location, where he will make mental speeches over the next few months at party fund-raisers and presidential campaign whistle-stops.
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2 comments:
I would say "mentally UNdress" but those republicans are a scurvy lot. And wrinkly, too.
I really pray thats a photoshop and no human being wasted part of their life free hand sketching dick cheney.
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