Why Joe Did Not Go

With a $200 million payroll, a new $1.5 billion stadium despoiled by conspicuously empty seats, anxious, impatient management and fans thirsting for victory after a postseason-less 2008 campaign, and a 15-17 record, 6-1/2 games behind the division leaders five agonizing weeks into the season, a 22-4 loss to Cleveland throbbing in the collective franchise consciousness, how did Joe Girardi avoid joining Bucky, Stump and Gene on the scrapheap of failed Yankee managers, and survive to lead the Yankees to their 27th World Championship, driven by Jeep, thereby ascending to the third position of all-time Yankee heroes named Joe?

IT IS HIGH has researched this important question and presents the Top Ten (actually twelve) reasons why Joe Did Not Go.

1) "Joe Heart Derek" was already carved into the big mahogany desk in the manager's office.

2) Joe babysat A-Rod's kids and they "really liked him."

3) Joe possessed compromising video of the Steinbrenner brothers from the 2008 Yankee clambake.

4) Joe's godfather made Cashman "an offer he couldn't refuse."

5) Yankee team doctor concerned that Suzyn's frail pschye couldn't handle the change.

6) First choice as replacement, Billy Martin, confirmed still to be dead.

7) Second replacement choice, Gary Burghoff, caught up in surprise success of new TV sitcom "My Name is F*cking Earl, What's It To You?", based on the career of retired Oriole manager Earl Weaver, was unavailable.

8) Third choice Buck Martinez admitted to being "fried on baseball" and ready to audition for role as sidekick on the new TBS show, "Lopez Tonight".

9) Cashman was rebuffed by fourth choice Lou Piniella, who proclaimed, "No way, man. The Cubs are going all the way this year."

10) Looking to establish his own executive management style, Hank decried midseason managerial changes as being "so eighties."

11) Cashman recounted "Brian's Dream" to the Boss, a showstopping number in which he conveys the objection of George's mom to the proposed managerial change, as revealed to him during a dream.

12) Joe was already a great manager; the team was great; it was just a matter of time before they put it all together and rolled to a championship. Anyone who couldn't see that doesn't deserve to work for "It Is High."