Thursday, April 30, 2009
John Sterling tonight brought his "Thuuuuuuuuugh" game to the Tarzan Turf of the new House that Ruthlessness Built, delivering a serviceable, workmanlike 6.09 second win warble.
He's getting his chops back.
Listen to The Master hold thuuuuuuuuuuuugh note. He clutches it. He makes love to it. He makes it his bitch. This is a man who can "Thuuuuuuuuuuuuugh."
All he needs to do is take a deep breath before crunching out the word, "Winnnnnnnnnn."
By June, he'll be reaching seven seconds.
The front page of the Yankees' internet sex site, yesnetwork.com, features a clip from a naked video of someone named Nick Stripper. There must be a button you can click and pay $2,500 to watch the rest, but I can't find it on my WebTV and it's not something I feel comfortable asking the kids to figure out.
There's not much action anywhere else on the site today. Ken Singleton spent one night at home with his pretty sex-blogger wife and, from the sound of it, got nothing. Meanwhile, Kimberly Jones stowed away on the Yankees' Bang Plane, where old Phil Coke begged her for some sex act called a "fire drill." I don't even know what that is! Anyway, K-Jo brushed him off, preferring to leer at the under-24s and fantasize that "Joba and Hughes could be very, very good for each other" while letting Brian Bruney touch her keyboard.
This is not enough for the perverts who practically live at yesnetwork.com. They're actually starting to beg:
The Yankees need to fix this.
What's with this lowering of ticket prices?
Adam Smith would tell you that we're playing with fire. If we lower ticket prices, we can't afford pitchers. If we can't afford pitchers, we won't have people come to games. If nobody comes to games, we have to trade Derek Jeter.
What are thinking, lowering ticket prices.
We should be holding out, dammit. Does Scott Boras lower his demands to the Kansas City Royals? Hell, no. He says, pay up, you bastards. You want Aaron Small? Kiss the monkey!
And that's what we should be telling fans:
Listen, you poormouth, penny-pinching eany-weanies... you want quality baseball, dig a little deeper. Sell the jetski. Cancel the subscription to TV Guide. Don't give away your bottle deposits to the PTA. Buck up. We're in a pennant race. That means sacrifice. Do you think you grandparents cried when Yankee ticket prices rose because the team purchased Babe Ruth? Hell, no. They planted Victory Gardens. They recycled metal. They did what they had to do.
Now, we're being asked to give a little money for the team, for the tradition, for the future... and what do we hear: Crybabies. We're crying like Pittsburgh Pirate fans. Look at yourselves in the mirror, goddammat. If you want cheap seats, watch the Charleston Riverdogs. These are the Yankees, the most expensive baseball team on the face of the earth. Pay the money or get out.
The tell-all media has gone too far.
We're now learning that Ian Kennedy in Scranton developed a vasospasm, and he'll be out for a while.
We wish him the best. And dammit, there's no stigma. We're all children under God. We should all be treated with a little respect now and then. So what if the guy has a vasospasm! Does that mean his good name has to be dragged through the gutters and broadcast over the airwaves?
Are all of you so perfect that you can sit in judgement of a guy with a vasospasm. He's only doing what's human. He's only being a guy. Ohhhh, but I can just see you readers, talking to each other on your cells and giggling like little girls, making fun of him. "Guess who's got a vasospasm." You're worse than the big construction clods who made fun of Don Notts in "The Ghost and Mister Chicken." And you know what happened to them? They were proven to be clods.
I for one give full support for Ian Kennedy, and I don't care what he does in his personal time. As long as he's not having vasospasms on the mound in Yankee Stadium, in front of rich children, he has a right to be himself. Whatever puts a smile on his face is OK with me, as long as it doesn't bother his wife, endanger youth and break any laws.
Leave him alone.
The shy, somewhat awkward Henry stood in the corner with Werner, who threw open his arms to hug two of Bilzerian's friends when they came over to say hello. The women were soon joined by a third. Her poise—not to mention her glossy dark hair, endless eyelashes, and ear-to-ear smile—made an immediate impression on Henry.
Last night, we seemed to be coasting to victory. Mr. Sterling was preparing a dense, deep-throated win warble -- a Fourth of July, Wrath of Khan, Janis Joplinesque nuking of his vocal chords that would cap a two-game win streak.
And then -- well -- we won't bother to go into details. What came forth was a gasping, sad, Steven-Hawking-on-Nitol win warble of 4.78 seconds.
Four point seven eight seconds... barely the length of an Alphonso orgasm.
Is a win warble this short... a win warble at all?
Listen to this and decide for yourselves: Is this the win warble of a happy Voice of the Yankees, driven by Jeep?
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
He comes into the 9th, and thank God we have a 7-run lead. He can't get three outs.
In fact, one of the two outs he managed was a shot to the outfield wall.
We end up using Mariano.
Repeat: We have a 7-run lead in the 9th, and we end up using Mariano.
A 7-run lead in the 9th... and we end up using Mariano.
Seven run lead in the 9th...
Seven. Nine. Mariano.
Another comedic homerun by the Hero of Hudson Valley...
"Joba Chamberlain also needs to pitch. One good start by Hughes in April should not start the “We need Joba in the bullpen” nonsense. Who knew that Tyler Kepner was such a rabble-rouser?"
And that wasn't it, as the Lord of Lohud also pulled out of his arsenal:
"The Yankees lost four in a row and the fans wanted everybody fired. Then Phil Hughes pitched six shutout innings and now everybody wants to know what will happen when Chien-Ming Wang comes back.
Oh, heavens, they’ll have too many good pitchers.
What a dilemma.
Here’s a wild thought: Sit back and watch the game tonight and stop worrying about it.
Hughes pitched one game. Let’s wait a few starts before deciding that his being good is such a problem. Meanwhile, Chien-Ming Wang will throw 40 pitches to 17-year-old kids on Saturday. He’s not exactly racing up the interstate to the Bronx."
But for the sake of internet traffic (and my e-mail in-box), let’s say that Wang comes back in early June and Hughes is 4-1, 2.85. What then?"
He raises a very good point. What about when Kei 'Hee-Hee' Igawa is ready to come up, along with Ian Kennedy? Then Brackman and Betances? Suddenly its a 10-man rotation!
I say trade Wang and Burnett for Andruw Jones. Get him now while the gettin' be good!
April 26, 2009 Sunday
His adulation piece April 17 on his buddy George Steinbrenner starts with a false statement that the Yankees are the "most loved and most hated team in Major League Baseball."
Indian Harbour Beach
Jesus of Tampa, our 19-year-old savior from the land of oil and Hugo, hit two HRs yesterday in the Florida Rednecks-in-Ballcaps League.
Praise Jesus. He hits like a holy terror. But the devil here is his size: They say he's too massive to catch, that his future is 1B, and we have a billionaire there who is now hitting .200.
So here's my question: Why in the name of Ron Bloomberg is Jesus playing DH?
Before continuing, let me concede this: Yes, they know more than I do.
They split catching duties at Tampa between Jesus and Austin Romine, another prospect, to give each playing time.
This is ridiculous. This is typical Yankee organizational over-reach: We'll draft Andrew Brackman and cut his arm for a year. We'll draft this kid who's going to college, because he'll change his mind. We'll develop both kids and have two all-star catchers.
We have one of baseball's best prospects, and he's DHing half the time. This is insane. If we don't watch out, Jesus will come up as the new Sam Horn. Not only that, but Romine might not have honed his skills. We need these catchers catching every day.
Long ago, some Yankee mastermind decided Ron Bloomberg, our best prospect, should platoon in the minors. So he came up as a guy who only batted against righthanders. What a loss.
Romine should not be thrown overboard. But it's becoming clear that Montero is a special case. They are not equal. Montero needs to catch every day, and Romine should either go back to Charleston or up to Trenton.
Of course, we all know what the Yankees will do: Because of the glut, they'll put one on the DL and have him go drinking for a month with Billy Connors.
April 27, 2009 Monday
Why is this a bummer? I thought it was one of the best ball games I have watched in the last 10 years since I moved here to Naples.
This is not New York or Boston, to which your stories are always slanted.
The paper should represent Naples.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Suddenly, the sun is shining.
Suddenly, there is hope in this great land.
Suddenly, children feel free again.
Phil Hughes has come unto us, bearing the gift of Yankee victory. Let us again know ourselves to be a proud nation, a land of hard workers and pretty women, and dentists who do not charge an arm and a leg. Yes, we are whole again. The Yankees are back! Thank you, Phil Hughes.
The 2008 Governor's Cup-winning Scranton-Wilkes Barre nine topped the always-tough Rochester Red Wings yesterday, ending the big three-game series at Frontier Field.
Rock solid Ian Kennedy fired 4.2 innings, giving up only one unearned run and striking out four. Zach Kroenke posted the big win with 2.1 innings and three "whiffs." Anthony Claggett finished up.
Youngsters Shelley Duncan, Juan Miranda and John Rodriguez sent balls over the wall to post the Anthracite City assault.
The big two-game series against the Lehigh Valley IronPigs begins today!
"...if you’re concerned about the swine flu, the Yankees have a perfect solution. Purchase one of the $2,626 Legends Seats behind the plate. You are guaranteed to be at least 10 feet away from anybody else, so the odds of catching the flu are slim."
Unrelenting brilliance from qwerty uiop.
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April 26, 2009 Sunday
We'll put up the poll soon. But what names should be in the listings?
Soon he will be back, and we will begin to make beautiful music again.
In the meantime, how 'bout them Scranton Yankees!
Monday, April 27, 2009
How did it happen?
We are not just 9 and 9.
We are demoralized and homeless.
Yes, homeless. Yankee Stadium is gone.
How did we get to be owned by the Redsocks?
When did that seismic shift occur, the moment we shifted places: They became predator and we became prey?
Because we are patsies. Every lead feels temporary. You see it in our faces. It's as if we know Boston will win.
When did it happen?
Is it possible we spent $200 million to be worse than last year?
Could we have spent $2 billion on a park and diminished the game experience?
Are we still on the way down?
Historically, the Yankees have always been a barometer of America.
Let this be remembered:
On the weekend of the Boston Reverse Massacre, swine flu exploded.
Once it's pandemic, those empty seats are going to be all over the place.
We are so screwed.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I'm out here in the damn desert and I heard about the Yankee embarassment in Boston.
A six run lead with our best pitcher on the mound.
This team is garbage. It has no relief pitching now except MO.
I should have known Bruney would get hurt. And mark my words; 15 days won't be enough.
Today, I vote that the Yankees play in their jock straps. Forget the damn pinstripes.
Get swept up there. Get leaked upon. Just humiliate yourselves like school kids who wet themselves in class. Ooops, that's what they did yesterday.
This team sucks.
We need to spend another $400 million in order to have any shot at third place.
For those of you who don't speak my native tongue, N=Now; W=What.
Obscured by yesterday's nightmare in Boston was this tidbit:
We released 25-year-old former superprospect Humberto Sanchez, lynchpin of the 2006 trade in which we peddled Gary Sheffield to the Tigers.
We waived Humberto.
Thus, for Gary Sheffield -- who never hit less than .290 for us -- we received... uhmn, let's see now... Anthony Clagget. Straight up.
Sheff for Clagg.
(For whatever it's worth, the third pitcher, Kevin Whelan, is somewhere in the system, on target to throw two strikes in a row once every full moon.)
Here's another thought: After trading Sheffield, our offense broke down in 2007. We could have used the 25 HRs he hit for Detroit. But we soldiered on, dreaming of our rewards -- that magical day when Humberto recovered from Tommy John and became The Ace.
Yep. We traded for Humberto on Nov. 10, 2006. He barely threw a pitch the next spring, then underwent surgery. How much did the Tigers know? Better question: How little did we?
They picked our pockets.
This sucks even more than trading Ramon Ramirez for Shawn Chacon. This sucks even more than signing Kei Igawa. This sucks even more than letting Damaso Marte out the door in 2001 for Enrique Wilson, then trading to get him back after he's pitched himself into Palookaville.
In the 1980s, we fell into a deep decline, because our scouts were always on the outside looking in. We traded for Dale Murray, we signed Bob Shirley and Ed Whitson, even though people throughout baseball saw the mistakes. It was only until we got Bob Watson -- a solid baseball man -- in the organization that we started making the right moves.
Now, who is judging talent for us? Reggie Jackson? Dear God...
Writers tout the "legendary" pitching guru known as Nardi Contreras.
Anybody want to start listing his success stories?
Writers quote scouts anonymously, do backflips for interviews. In those Q&As, do they ever question the scout's track record? (Answer: Not if they want another Q&A.)
At the end of the day, the Steinbrenners write out the checks, and the Cashmans read the reports. But if the reports are garbage...?
Sheff for Clagg.
Sheff for Clagg.
April 23, 2009
pitcher's mound, first base and third base;
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Was it an acid flashback?
Why is it that I distinctly recall the wizards telling us the Yankee bullpen would be loaded this year?
Were they lying to us?
Did they not know?
How did it get to feel so late, so early?
"We at the LoHud Yankees Blog would like to welcome Mark Sanchez to the Jets. You seem like a nice young man. But here’s hoping Richard Seymour and Vince Wilfork snap you in half on Sept. 20."
Wisdom continues to flow from the Lower Hudson's Quipmaster General:
UPDATE, 3:50 p.m.: If you remember nothing else from this blog remember this: Never shake hands with Tim McCarver if you see him coming out of a bathroom. That’s all I’m going to say. Just don’t.
Jesus Montero, age 19, is batting .396 in a league historically dominated by pitchers.
Two home runs. (League leader has 4)
Ten RBIs (League leader has 16)
Third in league in total bases.
Second in league in on-base percentage.
Now here is something insane to ponder: Could he be our right-handed DH in September? A la' Miguel Cabrera, 2003?
Yes, it's crazy. He's not ready defensively. But the kid can hit.
Do you believe in miracles?
Do you believe in Jesus?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS?
IF YOU BELIEVE IN JESUS, THEN GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES RIGHT NOW, GET DOWN, SINNERS, GET DOWN AND TESTIFY! TESTIFY TO THE LACK OF RIGHT-HANDED DH-POSSIBILITIES THAT WE HAVE, AND PRAISE HIM! DO YOU HEAR ME? PRAISE HIM! PRAISE HIM UNTO CASHMAN! JESUS IS COMING. DO YOU HEAR ME? GET OUT, YOUKILIS! JESUS IS COMING. I BELIEVE!
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Friday, April 24, 2009
Red Sox complicity in U.S. torture flights
They feed their own fans prison food
They're bigger racists than Joe Torre
Their groundskeepers are thugs
Varitek clawed A-Rod's face, kept his own mask on
Schilling poured ketchup on his sock, called it blood
They decapitate their players when they're done with them
Big Papi has it in for Joba for no reason
New York _ During a six-month period last year, the New York Yankees repeatedly subjected fans to an outlawed torture-tactic known as "bullpenning," according to internal sources, freedom of information requests and a review of last-year's standings, obtained at considerable expense, by this website.
During that period -- in which the team sought to extract money for 2009 season ticket packages -- the organization used Jose Veras 60 times and Edwar Ramirez as many as four sessions per week. This occurred despite public warnings that so-called "bullpenning" could undermine the team's world profile.
"They wanted to extract whatever they could from the fanbase," a source told IT IS HIGH. "And it came straight from the top: Cheney ordered it."
The controversial tactic, thought to be outlawed following the Torre administration, invokes within fans the false experience of drowning.
Pitches far outside the strike zone are slowly poured over fans' faces until all bases are full. Then, with two outs and two strikes on the batter, a grand slam is hit, turning a one-run game into a blowout. Then, in excrutiatingly slow detail, the entire process is repeated.
Disclosures of the Yank torture tactics have renewed calls for a special prosecutor to look into the signings of Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa and others, and the termination of Joe Torre.
Yankee officials declined comment on the charges and directed all inquiries to spokesperson Selena Roberts, who was said to be perched in a bush in a residential neighborhood of Tampa and therefore unavailable for comment.
When throwing a fastball at old Kevin Youkilis,
Make sure that your fingers aren’t slathered with mucilous.
Don’t stare at him hard, or it could make you puke-ilous.
But just ponder the past, like that Met: “Wilson, Mookilus.”
It’s not an occasion to grow mad and mutinous,
Like a trip to a crypt with an urge necrophilious,
Just imagine yourself down below in a nautilus,
And shoot that harpoon at the whale we call Youkilis.
In your moment of weakness, you’ll feel supercilious,
As he stands there and glares at you, angry and bilious,
Like a six-foot-three lizard, some man-crocodilius,
Throw as hard as you can at that man, Kevin Youkilis.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Hear for yourself...
And the greatest...
Honest Abe has what will have to pass as the details.
He was throwing to the all-stars of the Florida Special Olympics (redundancy there).
Looks like he hasn't lost a thing from his early season command.
Raunchy internet smut site yesnetwork.com, best known for Ken Singleton's wife's sex blog, is running a thing called Girls Of NY Sports Bars. There's no permalink, so hurry over to the front page and scroll down-low before Interpol raids the Yankees' offshore server farm.
(Note to readers: It is critical that Mr. Cabrera read this. The message might save his career. It might save the Yankees. It might even save your life -- but we won't go into what we know. Print out this note and post it in public spaces frequented by Mr. Cabrera and his friend, Mr. Cano. This includes laundries. Too often, we forget the laundry. If you cannot print it out, write it out by hand, but please be ledgible. If you cannot attach it to a telephone pole or bridge support, rent a sound truck and read it while driving through neighborhoods. We cannot stress enough the importance of this work. Everything hinges on compliance. Everything.)
Dear Mr. Cabrera,
Congratulations on your great game yesterday.
Don't go thinkin' your shit don't stink.
The only reason you're still a Yankee is because you decided last winter -- after being demoted to Scranton -- that you would show plate discipline in the future.
Yesterday, you whiffed with the bases loaded on a pitch in your eyes.
You still have one hope for a career: Plate discipline.
The home runs are great. But if you start swinging for the fences, you'll be back in Scranton faster than you can say "Kevin Maas."
Don't start thinkin' your shit don't stink.
From the release, uncluttered, unspun, untouched...
Mitsubishi Electric Diamond Vision Shines at Yankee Stadium Opening
Yankee Stadium opened its doors to excited fans on April 2 with its annual team workout, and unveiled the most advanced, high-definition Diamond Vision display in sports.
Thousands of fans joined players and New York Yankees and Mitsubishi Electric executives in an afternoon ceremony that marked the debut of the massive display in center field.
This installation continues the long-standing relationship between the New York Yankees and Mitsubishi Electric, which in 1983 installed one of the first Diamond Vision video displays in Major League Baseball.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
It's still not World Series-caliber, but it should silence some of the critics who say the Sterl has lost his hurl.
Six point nine-eight seconds, baby!
HE'S CLEARING HIS THROAT FOR BOSTON!
April 21, 2009
The minimum wage in Major League Baseball is $400,000 per year; its lowest-paid players earn an astounding $2,469 per game. With these exorbitant salaries, and steep ticket prices, the league has distanced itself from the average working person in North America.
Perhaps Noam Chomsky was right when he stated: "Sports occupies the populations, and keeps them from trying to get involved with things that matter. In fact, I presume that's part of the reason why spectator sports are supported to the degree they are by the dominant institutions."