Call off your dogs, Selig. It's over. You won.

Call off your dogs, Selig. It's over. You won.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Yankeetorial: It's hard to be angry when you're nine games up. That said, it sure would be nice to have a mop-up man who can close a six-run lead

Derek Jeter has his Edge. I'm trying to sharpen mine. As thinking fans, we must not allow ourselves to sick back and chew Cheetos. Last time we sat back and chewed Cheetos, we were three up on the Redsocks in an ALCS with Javy Vasquez practicing his Canyon of Heroes speech. Remember that? SO PULL YOUR CHUBBY, ORANGE-DUSTED FINGERS OUT OF THAT BAG, AMIGO! THOSE CHEETOS ARE FOR CLOSERS!

Q: What is a Chad Qualls, other than a taller version of the bad Cody Wade?

Q: Is anybody EVER on this godforsaken team going to hit with runners on base? 

Yeah, OK, we're nine up. But for crap sake, if we hit with RISP, we'd have clinched the damn pennant by now. We could be DHing Billy Crystal and letting Mariano Rivera hobble around in centerfield, just to prove he could come back. Good grief, we could showcase Pat Venditte just for fun, and poor Jack Cust could come up to pinch run. We could liberate Frankie Cervelli from the Thruway hellhole of the Traveling Wilkes Barres, and Adam Warren would get another shot. Andy Pettitte could be home hanging with his family - wait, he is home with his family - good grief, how many games up would we be?

But no. We can't hit with runners in scoring position. And Chad Qualls can't even hold a six-run lead. So we're a measily, stinking nine up. DAMMIT, THIS SUCKS! CAN ANYBODY ON THIS TEAM PLAY THE STUPID GAME OF BASEBALL. I'M TELLING YOU, I'M GOING PAULY O'NEILL ON THE IT IS HIGH WATER COOLER! EITHER THIS TEAM SHAPES UP, OR CERTAIN PEOPLE ARE GOING TO SHIP OUT. WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE, DAMMIT. IF ANY ONE OF YOU THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE WE'RE NINE UP, MAYBE 10, WELL, BUDDYBOY, YOU GOT ANOTHER THOUGHT COMING. NOT GONE HAPPEN. NO WAY.

All right. Now GIT. AND DON'T LET ME CATCH ANY OF YOU YOYOS PRACTICING HIS SPEECH FOR THE CANYON OF HEROES.

(Sigh.) It's only July, Jeet. You think they listened?

2 comments:

MUSTANG said...

I'm pretty sure Andruw Jones got a hit last night with runners in scoring position.

coolnewyorker said...

I know, I know. It's been predictable with RISP futility. A-Rod always seems to be in the midst of it.

So now what happens? In Worlds Series against the Nats.

Harper and company small ball their way to championship title because Yanks fail to hit HR's.

Even with nearly two digit edge against the whole leagues, I am still angry. Damn Yankees.