10 Reasons why Vidal Nuno will replace Ivan Nova in the Yankee starting rotation

1. He's a better pitcher than Nova.

2. He's already replaced Nova, and that's how the Yankees always do everything: They go with a guy until he totally screws up, and then they make a change.

3. He's a better pitcher than Adam Warren and David Phelps, who have been getting cuffed around lately.

4. We don't have enough prospects to trade for a front line starter.

5. He's a better pitcher than Alfredo Aceves, who is still rehabbing not only his arm, but his reputation.

6. The cool name, Vidal. It has a Yankee connection! Gore Vidal wrote historical novels about the Civil War, with those "damn Yankees."

7. He wears number 57, the magical jersey that was once worn by Hensley Meulens, Ramiro Mendoza, Tucker Ashford and Scott Proctor - some of the all-time great-sounding names. Joe Borowski, too!

8. The last name "Nuno." It has exactly the same amount of letters as Nova, and it takes up exactly the same space. Weird, huh? In fact, to make the switch, the Yankees only need a "u" and a lower case "n." You could almost change it with a pen, by converting "uno" to "ova."

9. Good grief, Miley Cyrus may be dying in a Kansas City hospital. This is no time to throw a monkey wrench into her recovery by moving somebody up from Scranton that she's never heard of. For that matter, even if we wanted to sabotage Miley's recovery by bringing somebody up from Scranton that she's never heard of, we have nobody in Scranton who is worth bringing up, that she's never heard of. But wait a minute: Why would we want to sabotage Miley Cyrus? Because she's a competitor with Lady Gaga? (a Yankee fan, by the way.) Hmm. That would make sense. Still, there's nobody in Scranton except for some guy named Billings. If Miley hears the Yankees are bringing up "Billings," would that put her over the edge?

10. Because ten point lists are goddamm difficult, and if you think otherwise, you should try one sometime. The fact is, at a certain point, you just have to go with the idea that Vidal Nuno will replace Ivan Nova, and you don't need to nitpick over the reasons. Jeez. You wanted ten? OK, you got ten. GET OFF MY LAWN.