Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Deal Hal Steinbrenner: This Thanksgiving, which are you? "Mr. Austerity"... or "Mr. Kinky Boots?"

Dear Madam or Sir:

Sorry if I appear confused. I'm just not sure to whom I speak.

This Thanksgiving, are you Harold Z. "Hal" Steinbrenner, alias...

a) "Mr. Austerity" 

or b) "Mr, Kinky Boots"

This year, are you a tightwad... or a Johnny Wad?

From what we hear - aka, Joel Sherman - we are entering another "Yankee Austerity Off-Season." The team will avoid long-term deals with evil Max Scherzer or tainted Jon Lester. We will even ditch 4-year commitments to Chase Headley or David Robertson. Prudence, people! Mr. Austerity wants us to hitch up our belts, pull away from the pizza buffet and cut our costs!

Or... is this your "time of the month?" (Wink-wink)

Forgive me, but since your father died, you have not exactly been a cornerstone of consistency. You have:

a) Declared Austerity, demanding that the payroll be cut to $187 million, with an absolute moratorium on two-year deals.
b) Same month, signed Ichiro to a two-year deal.
c) Ditched the Austerity plan altogether, claiming $187 million was merely "a goal."
d) Announced a new Secret Austerity plan, refusing a long-term deal with Robbie Cano.
d) Same month, ditched the new Secret Austerity plan, signing long deals with McCann, Ellsbury, Beltran et al.
e) Purged all distant memory of the new Secret Austerity plan, with salary dump deals for Headley, Prado, McCarthy, et al.
f) Announced this winter's new Double-Secret Austerity plan, avoiding long-term deals...

Unless you change your mind, heh heh. O, you crazy cad, you wild tumbleweed of desire! What gets into you?

(Wait a minute... TIME OUT. I just realized something: The Yankees are owned by a psycho spoiled rich kid, sitting in the 19th hole with a Scotch and a six-page menu, and he can't decide whether to order the hamburger or the surf 'n turf.)

So... today, we're frugal, right? But come July, when we're 6 out and tanking, you'll approve a pile of sub-prime salary dumps - bringing in a new crate of old slobs, designed to grease the engine and keep the team afloat through September 15? Then... next winter - you'll announce the new Triple-Secret Austerity Plan! No long-term deals! Time to cut Yankee costs!

(Holy crap... I just realized something: We're dealing with a psycho spoiled rich kid who has a drug addiction, and he's always planning to quit, but he never throws away his stash.... and he's stoned out of his gourd... )

So... recapping now: Consistent policies? Who needs 'em?

Which is it? Austerity... or Sailor Moon?

This Thanksgiving... which Hal is carving the turkey... the one we will be lashed to in 2015?

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