Adventures in the free press

Something's up. It's today's BIG news story. Actually, it's today's only news story.

Everyone... is... shopping!

Have you heard about this? Everyone... everywhere... shopping. It's incredible. It's unbelievable. Right now, you should be shopping. I should be shopping. So... dammit... stop reading! I've got to stop writing. MUST... GET OUT AND SHOP. Everybody... everywhere... SHOP, DAMMIT, SHOP!