Wednesday, February 24, 2016

David Ortiz: "You know what I want most of all? I would love it if the fans at Yankee Stadium gave me a standing ovation." (I've got a better idea.)

In the perfect alternative universe, here's David Ortiz's last moment in Yankee Stadium...

It's cold and wet. Ninth inning. Yanks lead by 12. It's late September (and I really should be back at school.) Boston's been out of the wild card race for six weeks. Ortiz pinch hits for Dustin Pedroia, who is batting .192. Papi himself is hitting .202, having achieved the vaunted Stephen Drew above .200 status last week, when he went on a torrid 2-for-9 s0treak. On the mound is Brandon Pinder, doing mop-up, saving the Yankee bullpen for the playoffs.

Behind home plate sits a handful of super-rich beer farts. Most of the Trumpian crowd is swilling crab legs in the buffet line, or dancing in the stadium disco, or they stayed home anyway. Sitting in the middle of this collection is the famed Yankee executive, public relations whiz, and esteemed class warfare sociologist, Lonn Trost, who turns toward the game, points to Big Papi and yells, "Wait a f---g minute, I know this guy. It's Big Pog, or Big Palin, something." His 16-year-old escort screams, "It's Pig Boppy," and everybody laughs. Lonn gives her a kiss and thinks, I don't care if she's poor and loud, this little firecracker understands me! 

Ortiz steps into the batters box and waits for the announcer to say his name. Nothing happens. The P.A. system isn't working. There is silence as the 22,000 in attendance slowly realize the implications of this historic moment.

This is it... the culmination of one man's career, the end of an era, and the last vestige of what was once the greatest rivalry in sports. And everybody in Yankee Stadium does the right thing.

They set aside their animosities, bury their collective hatchets... they react as One.

They rise from their seats, turn their backs to home plate, unhitch their pantaloonies and bend over.

That's right. The Papi Moon. Imagine the Yankee Stadium crowd, united in one grand moment - the moonment - giving David Ortiz a sendoff he will never forget.

It's only a Papi Moon.

That's what should happen. He could even hit a home run. I wouldn't care.

8 comments:

Local Bargain Jerk said...


I love, Love, LOVE this plan. How can we spread this suggestion far and wide? I mean, how exactly do we start a flash mob of like-minded, pants-dropping souls?

My only quibble is: Do you really think 22,000 people will be there? I'm thinking more like 10,000.

el duque said...

As an addenda, it would really be neat if the entire crowd could collectively fart a two-syllable "PAAAA-PI!" This would require incredible physical dexterity and pre-planning, and frankly, I think it's beyond humankind's technological and spiritual capabilities, at this time. But it would be the ultimate Bronx tribute, never to be forgotten in the annals of sports. I should shut up. I'm going to get thrown off the Internet.

Blind Robin said...

Lunacy.

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA!.... "PHYSICAL DEXTERITY AND PER-PLANNING"........... THAT FAT BASTARD DOESN'T REALIZE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DJ, MARIANO, AND HIMSELF???? ....TOTALLY DELUSIONAL! (AS ARE ALMOST EVERY SINGLE RED SOX FAN)..............LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, WHEN A-ROD RETIRES, DO YOU THINK RED SOX FANS WILL GIVE A-ROD A "STANDING OVATION" AT FENWAY??? .........THE AMUSING PART OF IT IS, A-ROD WOULD NOT EXPECT IT, OR EVEN BE STUPID ENOUGH TO ASK FOR THE OVATION.......THE DIFFERENCE?......A-ROD CAME CLEAN AND TOLD THE TRUTH, AND FAT BOY REFUSED TO! ............ AS LOYAL SOLDIERS IN OUR YANKEE ARMY, WE AS YANKEE FANS CAN NOT POSSIBLY, EVEN THINK ABOUT SUPPORTING THAT FAT FRAUD........... THE MOONING IDEA HAS BEEN APPROVED.....

KD said...

That would be a sweet moment! However, it's about as probable as this turd getting a standing O from real Yankee fans. the redsock fans in attendance, who will outnumber the Yankee fans, will give Ortiz his applause and he'll be conceited enough to think it came from all of us.

V. Morrrison said...

A marvelous night for a moondance.

Beana27 said...

Good plan! Count me in for the flesh mod. I will start working on my squats and glute squeezes now.

John M said...

Interesting idea, especially since the wife and I have been calling him Big Poopy for years now.