Thursday, February 25, 2016

Gammonites are raving about Hal Steinbrenner's big Yankee acquisition - a hill!

Hold on to your hats, everybody! Word from Tamptown is that Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner has shed his bingo parlor outlook and shelled out BIG TIME on a Yankee upgrade. No, he didn't buy a pitcher. He bought a hill. SEE IT!

Yes, a hill... you know, to run up and down, like Jack and Jill. In the old days, players ran stadium steps. Not anymore! The Yankees have a brand new, state-of-the-art hill. And the writers are in love. SEE IT!

Don't get this wrong. This is not a knoll. Nope. The Milwaukee Brewers can run up and down a mound. This is a hill - Yankee Hill. Damn, I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it... Those youngsters, standing at the foot of Yankee Hill, thinking of all the great Yankees who will run up and down. This is no mere conditioning tool. It's a metaphor... for climbing to the top of the hill!

I can barely contain myself. The Yankees didn't need pitching, after all. We just needed an edge, and now we've got it. Our own hill. At last, we've outsmarted the Redsocks. They don't have a hill. And if we get into a hill-climbing contest, well, let's just say they brought piss to a shit fight.

Someday, I'm thinking the Hill goes into Monument Park. Its number will be retired, and we'll honor it with a day at Yankee Stadium. They'll bring out all its teammates - the weight machine, the treadmill, the jacuzzi - everybody will be crying when Hal pulls down the curtain to reveal - the bronze plaque: The Hill. SEE IT!

I'm telling you, being a Yankee fan, every day is Christmas. What will Hal give us tomorrow? A creek? A pond? A sand trap? Wait... I got it! A boulder! Guys can push it up the hill. It'll be incredible!

3 comments:

John M said...

Tex feels great and wants to play until he's 40.

Are we dumb enough to resign him?

Well, that's a stupid question....

Anonymous said...

GUYS, I SEE EXACTLY WHY WE ARE: 1.) WRITING YANKEES "WORK HARD" MANIFESTOS 2). LETTING EVERYONE SLEEP LATER AND 3). BUILDING A HILL FOR RUNNING .........FIGURE IT OUT YET?.......................WHICH TEAM IN ALMOST ALL OF BASEBALL COMPLETELY RUNS OUT OF GAS BY THE LAST WEEK OF THE REGULAR SEASON???.....THINK BACK....EVEN WHEN WE MADE THE PLAYOFFS IN 2012, I WAS AMAZED HOW WE COULD BARELY GET A HIT, GAME AFTER GAME....I REMEMBER TELLING MYSELF, "THEY LOOK TOTALLY GASSED." ..... IT KEEPS HAPPENING......... LAST YEAR, I REMEMBER THE LAST WEEK OF THE REGULAR SEASON WE HAD TO WIN ONLY 1 OR 2 GAMES, AND WE JUST COULDN'T WIN A GAME!...... I FELT LIKE JIM MORA, "PLAYOFFS??...PLAYOFFS?, WE'RE JUST TRYIN' TO WIN A DAMN GAME!" .............. HAL WOULD BE MUCH BETTER OFF DOING SOMETHING HIS FATHER USED TO DO....................... GET SOME BETTER BALLPLAYERS!!!!!!!

Local Bargain Jerk said...

Someday, I'm thinking the Hill goes into Monument Park. Its number will be retired, and we'll honor it with a day at Yankee Stadium.

I am soooo looking forward to Bobble-hill day.