YANKEETORIAL: Get off Barry's Back

AN OPEN LETTER TO FANS:
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You stink. Go home, you bums.
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You should not be allowed to follow baseball. You should follow canasta. You know nothing about baseball. You know nothing about life.
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Case in point: Barry Bonds.
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You piss and moan about Barry. You want him in jail. You want to deny him Cooperstown.
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You should be denied Cooperstown.
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You say, "Oh, mercy, Barry is a scumbag! He lied."
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OK, smartasses, what great hitter wasn't a nutjob?
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Babe Ruth = glutton.
Reggie Jackson = megalomaniac.
Wade Boggs = sex addict.
Dave Parker = coke freak.
Ty Cobb = evil incarnate.
Pete Rose = gambler.
Ted Williams = sociopath.
Mickey Mantle = alchy.
Rafael Palmiero = Viagra = penile pervert.
Alex Rodriguez = egomaniac.
Gary Sheffield = paranoid schizo.
Mark McGwire = juicer.
Jose Canseco = whore.
Manny Ramirez = Christ, he's Manny frickin' Ramirez! What else needs to be said?
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It’s baseball. Get it?
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Big batter = batty as a shithouse rat.
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You say, “Oo, wait! Mr. Yankeetorial. What about Henry Aaron, Joe DiMaggio and Big Papi! They’re not mean. They love children.”
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They’re cardboard cutouts, you fool. Believe us, you don’t want to know the real Big Papi. It would be like watching Laura Bush take a crap on a Secret Service agent. God, now look what you did. You made us picture a horrible image. Goddamn you.
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So you want Barry in jail? "Oo-oo, but Mr. Yankeetorial, Barry was juicing. He perjured himself!"
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Barry isn’t the only one juicing. And thank God he’s honest enough to lie.
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Have you fans never told a lie?
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HAVE YOU?
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Get off his back, you stinking, lying insufferable hypocrites. On his worst day, Pat Robertson can’t out-hypocrite you. IF YOU NEVER LIED, THEN YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BOO. Otherwise, shut up, pay your money and watch.
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Got it?
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Good. So here’s what’s gonna happen. First, you’re gonna shut your lying, fat yaps. Second, Barry’s gonna stay out of jail. Third, he goes into the Hall, and you Laura Bush crapaholics are gonna smile and say, “Well, he was unpleasant, but he could hit, and that's what matters.”
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That’s right, fans.
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For the last 50 years, as far as you're concerned, that's all that ever mattered.
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If they hit, you forgave.
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You brought this on. Not Barry. You.
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YOU are the reason for steroids. Not Barry. YOU are the problem.
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For once, show class, you lazy, booing toads. Or follow the World Canasta League.
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Now get the hell out of our site, you make us sick. Pttuuii.