George Carlin Interviews Death

CARLIN: Well, well, look who’s here. The trash collector. You know you can never throw away a trash can. You leave it, they won’t take it. Ever notice that?

DEATH: I have noticed that.

CARLIN: Hey, I have some questions for you.

DEATH: Fire away.

CARLIN: "In the unlikely event of a water landing . . ." Well, what exactly is a water landing? Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to SMASHING INTO THE OCEAN?

DEATH: Actually, that’s what it is, smashing into the ocean.

CARLIN: Another thing. Do you deal with God? Because, if I were you, I’d be a little nervous. Everybody he makes dies.

DEATH: That is the truth.

CARLIN: And if you do things he doesn’t want you to do, you might go to a burning place in Hell for all of eternity. But remember... HE LOVES YOU.

DEATH: Yeah, well…

CARLIN: You believe in Frisbeetarianism?

DEATH: Presbyterianism?

CARLIN: No. Frisbeetarianism. The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on a roof and gets stuck.

DEATH: That’s possible, I suppose.

CARLIN: Lemmie ask you. In heaven, can I say the seven words?

DEATH: No. They're not allowed.

CARLIN: Then I’m going to hell?

DEATH: Not my call. But if I were you, I’d just keep quiet.

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: Please, don't say those words.

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: Stop that. This is extremely-

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: You can’t… Stop that…

CARLIN: Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

DEATH: You’re hurting me.

CARLIN: OK. Sorry. But I’m not sure I want to go heaven. I've never wanted to join a group whose symbol is a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

DEATH: I don't blame you. Look, it’s time. Take my hand, and we’re going for a walk.

CARLIN: This is very gay, you know. Ever notice how somebody driving slower than you is an idiot, and somebody driving faster than you is a maniac?

DEATH: I don’t drive. Let’s go. Take my hand and walk with me.

CARLIN: Can I sing a song?

DEATH: I don’t care.

CARLIN: Ta-da-da boom dee yay! Did you get yours today? I got mine yesterday. That's why I walk this way...