Newman's Own Police Blotter

Having been pardoned for Ed Yarnell, Kei Igawa and Sean Henn, Mark Newman's luck ran out the other night in the Barefoot State. He drank a few Billy Martins at the Swindall Tavern, then went for joyride on the Leyritz Parkway, where he met Sheriff Cowley.

I know what Joe Buck would say: "This is just the kind of off-the-field controversy that baseball doesn't need."

Baseball is a tough game. If I had to deal with Brien Taylor blowing his $1.55 million arm out in the bar fight, I would probably drink for two -- Brien and me -- for the rest of my life. I'm not going to moralize here or make some self-righteous speech, like a 300-pound, tazer-toting, uniformed whackberry in "Cops," but let's hope the guy takes this thing seriously.

No two words in the English language go together more slimily than "drunk" and "executive." Well, actually, there are some, but -- hey, after seven beers, it was tough enough just writing that sentence with the "Cops" reference. I think I'll drive to Watertown!