Tuesday, October 25, 2016

The New Yankee Stadium: Tastes Filling, Less Great.


Even when they were busy losing, the 1980s-era Yankees were still larger than life. Here's a Lite Beer ad that illustrates the point:




Can you imagine Prince Hal and Joe Binderardi doing a commercial like this today?

I can't either.


If they didgiven these guys' personalities, it would be a snooze-fest.  In fact, I think it would go like this:
Hal: Joe, we've listened to our fans and ticketholders and their top requests are for more family-friendly and socially-oriented spaces at Yankee Stadium. Which do you think is the best new social gathering space we're adding? Would you say it's the Sunrun Kids Clubhouse kiddie playground or the Breast Pumping Station? 
Joe: All the studies show we're likely to raise more kiddies who need the playground if we make sure that the Breast Pumping Stations are well used. And it should always be in that order. There is not one possible situation where I would use these facilities in another order. Let me show you what it says in my binder....
Hal: Do you think there's any way we can monetize the Breast Pumping Stations without appearing as shameless money grubbers who try to, you know, squeeze revenue out of everything in our stadium?
Joe: One time I saw Pete Rose watching a woman at a Breast Pumping Station. He was taking bets on whether 'Lefty' or 'Righty' was going to fill more bottles faster. Maybe we can make book like he did?
Hal: These types of contests could be an important source of fan engagement and, heh-heh, we would appreciate the enhanced revenue flow, but I'm concerned what Commissioner Manfred might think if we took any kind of bets.
Joe: Maybe you should ask him about it as soon as he finishes his revenue-sharing meetings with FanDuel.com and DraftKings.com.
Hal: Getting back to my question, I'm a little surprised you didn't choose our Sunrun Kids Clubhouse. As you know, Joe, we want our youngest fans to feel as if Yankee Stadium is an extension of their local park or backyard. We want to nurture their love for experiencing games in person, while providing parents the resources they need to keep their children entertained prior to and during the game.
Joe: During the game? Isn't that what the game is for?
Hal: Well, no, that's what the "MasterCard Batter's Eye Deck", located on the 200 level in center field and "Bullpen Landings" on the 100 level in left and right field are for.
Joe: Hmmm.  Some of the guys are asking where the Breast Pumping Stations would be located and if cell phone cameras will be allowed.
Hal: We were originally going to put them behind the soccer goals we keep in the basement when they're not playing soccer games here in the stadium.  But then, one of our junior interns suggested that the Breast Pumping Stations are themselves a type of gourmet food court, so we went with it.  It was genius, I tell ya.
Oh, and I know you can be set in your ways, Joe, so you'll be happy to hear that fans will only be allowed to use the Breast Pump Stations for the gender they were assigned at birth.
Joe: That reminds me, Hal. Page 133(A)(i) of my binder indicates that, if we start a successful promotion with Match.com, in later years we'll actually get more customers for the Breast Pumping Stations, but only if we do the promotion in that specific order and no other.  We need to a shoot for a B.P.S. Usage Ratio of 100 or better.  
Fans: (voiceover): Where the hell do we go for a beer and a hot dog in this place?


LBJ Bonus Commentary: It's only a matter of time before naming rights are sold and these things are rechristened as the Calgon Breast Pumping Stations.


4 comments:

rogerc said...

It is about time that Randy Levine and Lonn Tross had a way to express themselves.

Hmmm. Randy Levine. Motorboat!

el duque said...

They should call it "Your Name Here" Stadium.

Anonymous said...

WITH OUR NEW STADIUM BEING SO LOUD, WE FIGURED WE COULD AFFORD TO LOSE ANOTHER 2,100 SPECTATOR SEATS.......... UN-F@CKING-BELIEVABLE.

KD said...

The between inning "fan cam" jumbotron shots from the pumping stations will provide good family entertainment next year, for sure.