Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Posted by el duque at 8:01 AM
Finally... we can ditch Aaron Hicks. Why would we want a Jackie Bradley Jr?
At last... we can push for Mookie Betts to win MVP. He'll demand more money.
All those years they'll be tethered to David Price... we now can cherish them.
And Big Papi... who thought Cleveland would be the ones to moon him?
Welcome, Redsock fans. Your call is very important to us... Please stay on the line for the next available service representative... Your expected waiting time is... ONE HUNDRED THIRTY FIVE DAYS AND TEN HOURS - Thank you for your call... Welcome, Redsock fans. Your call is very important to us...
Also, let me take a moment to thank the Juju gods for answering my plea. I vowed to not complain for the rest of the year, if Boston was swept. Thanks to their swift and effective work, my lips shall not posit one negative thought for the rest of 2016. Nope. Nothing from me. If the Yankees trade the city of Trenton for Vernon Wells' pool boy, I'll stay bubbly. Hell, they can vote Brian Cashman into the Hall of Fame, no grumbling from this end. I'm doing whippets. Yoan Moncada? It's just a funny word. No carping about the Yoanster. Where's the spray cannister?
Oooh, oooh, Jumpin' Jehovahzat! I just got an idea! We should send a consolation email to all our Redsock-leaning friends, encouraging them to stay upbeat. Let's crowd-source this puppy. Any ideas? Remember: It's gotta seem honest, so they can't really tell how giddy we are. Here's a first draft. Feel free to improve this:
Hey (Insert name),
Wow. I just heard the news (Note: This should be sent next week.) and immediately thought of you. What a bummer. When something like this happens, sometimes, you almost wish your team didn't even make the playoffs. So sad. Really... I just feel bad, so I wanted to reach out. You guys should keep your heads held high. It was a great season, and you shouldn't feel one iota of sadness. Boston is the best team in the AL East, hands down, and you guys got really screwed by the umps on that close call at second. (Note: To my knowledge, there was no close call at second.) Don't feel bad. Not one bit. You've still got Joe Kelly coming up from Pawtucket, and I think Rusney Castillo is also going to be really good. (Note: They're sick of both players. Is it too late for a Daniel Bard reference?) I'm saying 2017 will be the Year of the Panda. (Note: They hate being reminded of the Panda.) See you in Florida. Pitchers and catchers... right around the corner! Go socks!
Hahahahaha... any improvements?