Saturday, October 15, 2016
Posted by el duque at 7:55 AM
2. He's already succeeded in NYC, had his best year as a Met. He knows the media, the sushi restaurants, the hookers, the corners where you can buy Rolexes for $5! damn - even the secret bars that offer Utica Club on tap! (Fuck the microbreweries! U-C!) He's probably still subletting his house in Westchester. Bring him home!
3. He won't cost us our first-round draft pick next June. This is critical. We've finally started drafting consensus, high-ceiling (and expensive) studs, instead of whimsical, dart board (and inexpensive) projects, (Hello, Cito Culver.) Toronto won't give him a $17 million qualifying offer. (He made just $12 million this year.) We'd buy him without going back into youth hibernation.
4. He devours innings the way Paul O'Neill does press box buffet entries. (Coney is always in awe.) When all our 2017 rookies are sitting in Dr. Andrews waiting room, he'll still be out there. This guy will save not only our rotation but our bullpen.
5. We won't have to face the goddamm somebeeech no more. This could be the only reason, and it would still work. Jeez, I hate hate HATE facing knuckle-ballers. Back when we had big hitters, the mere appearance of a knuckler always vaulted them into prolonged slumps. The best thing you can do is bench your hitters, so they don't have their timing unhinged for a month.
6. We'll keep him from signing with Boston. The Redsocks know the value of the knuckler. They already have Steven Wright, who was challenging for the Cy Young before he got hurt. We can't let them have two knuckle-buddies. It would be like giving them a six-man rotation.
7. Addenda to 6: The Redsocks and Jays would now have to face the knuckleball. They've basically been spared this. Thus, their big, free-swinging lineups will get to see what they've missed. Suck on it.
8. The guy is smart. He writes obscure novels. Do you know how much discipline it takes to write an obscure novel? Try it sometime. As he grows older, he'll use his high-brow sensibilities to craft new ways to outsmart hitters. Think of each at bat as a plot twist, each pitch a literary device. Considering their new guidelines, if he pitches well, maybe the Nobel Committee will someday give him the Literary Prize. Or at least a Peabody.
9. He'll bring the amazing secrets of his knuckler to our franchise. We will crack open the sacred vault of knuckle knowledge. How does it work? What happens when you throw it. How the fuck does a guy throw 70 miles per hour and strike out professional hitters? Frankly, we need a guy who can teach the knuckle ball. He could be a great coach. Let's get him into the organization and start developing our own knucklers.
10. Without a beard, damn - he'll look like he's only 35! I bet he has his best year since the Mets. GET HIM, HAL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?