Sunday, October 23, 2016

Cubs v Indians: An Empirical Evaluation of Which World Series Team Yankee Fans Should Support, Based on Fact Analysis and Empirical Evaluation.

Everybody has his or her personal preference, and that's okay. This is America. We live in a free country. No jackbooted fan thugs will kick in your door, simply for supporting the wrong team. That said, have you no shame? Do you want to live your life without even a shred of Yankeeistic forethought and decency?

I thought not. That's why I've devised an easy scientific analysis to discern which team each and every one of us MUST support, in this New World (series) Order. I suggest you print it out and tape it to a corner of your TV screen.

An Empirical Evaluation of Which World Series Team Yankee Fans Should Support, Based on Fact Analysis and Empirical Evaluation.

Reasons to root for each team, based on a qualitative 10-point scale.
(Note: * Denotes points awarded because of pain for Boston fans to see.) 


Cleveland Indians
Sympathy for having to live in Cleveland... 3.0 points.
Sympathy for long world series drought... 2.5.
Swept Redsocks*... 8.7.
Beat Toronto... 3.0.
ex-Yank Zach McAllister (dealt for Austin Kearns in 2010, ugh)... 2.0.
ex-Yank Andrew Miller... 8.5.
ex-Redsock Mike Napoli*... 3.2.
ex-Redsock Coco Crisp*,,, 2.7.
ex-Redsock mgr Terry Francona*... 4.1.
Carlos Santana, namesake of great guitarist... 0.5.
Rock Hall of Fame (assuming if keeps out Journey)... 0.3.
LeBron James, true Yankee fan... 0.50 points.
Chief Wahoo... MINUS 7.5

TOTAL YANKCENTRIC SCORE: 31.8 Yankee Sterling Hexometers

Chicago Cubs
Sympathy for having to live in Chicago... 2.8 points.
Sympathy for long world series drought... 4.0.
Beat Los Angeles... 3.9.
Beat Washington... 1.3.
ex-Yank Aroldis Chapman... 7.4.
ex-Redsock John Lackey*... 4.8
ex-Redsock John Lester*... 5.9.
Javier Baez (why Cubs dealt us Starlin Castro)... 2.2
rock band Chicago - (Does Anybody Know What Time It Is?)... 0.49
Bill Murray supporting... 0.4.
Theo Epstein... MINUS 5.8

TOTAL YANKEECENTRIC SCORE: 35.4 Yankee Sterling Hexometers

Suggested preference: Chicago in 7.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

F@CK 'EM BOTH........ IF WE AIN'T IN THERE, WHO GIVES A SHIT? ....I WILL ROOT FOR THE AMERICAN LEAGUE (THE MUCH BETTER LEAGUE OVERALL, NO MATTER WHO WINS THIS SERIES)........ I KNOW US YANKEE FANS GOT SPOILED, BUT I'M GETTING REAL TIRED OF WATCHING EVERYONE ELSE CELEBRATE.

Honey Barnes said...

Go with the Indians. The Cubs are set up to rival the Yankees 3 series from 98. Challenging the legacy is all we can care about as spectators.

Alphonso said...

Don't forget; one of the Cubs' starters is a Dartmouth grad.

Blind Robin said...

As Yankee fans, this year we are just fans of baseball. Go Cubs.

Alibi Ike said...

Cleveland will be at a distinct disadvantage because the cold weather will neutralize their advantage of Lake Erie gnats flying into their opponents' mouths.

Not to be THAT GUY, but the Cubs beat the Giants, not the Nationals.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Epstein should be minus infinity in these rankings.

I also hope for gruesome injuries for any former 'small market red socks' players.

...and broken bats with cork in them.